Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. As the saying goes, “New year, new you.” Yes, with Impact Wrestling, the saying is usually “New month, new you,” but it’ll still be nice to see the show’s new version of you. Unfortunately, that doesn’t start this week, because we’re still on the things taped many moons ago. Many, many, American Top moons ago.
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact Wrestling on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world.
Previously: There were two weeks of 2017 recaps, but before that, Sami Callihan got Konnan with the ol’ fireball to the face. Oh, and James Storm offered his career up in a match against American Top Team’s Dan Lambert, but that should be nothing to worry about, right? Right?!?
EH: Impact Wrestling’s First Image of 2018
Not counting the reminder of the company’s ~global reach~, the first thing we see — this blur, because the camera doesn’t know how to focus — when we return to Impact Wrestling in 2018 is Dan mothereffing Lambert. The first thing. Just… Here, I’m just going to get everything about this terrible storyline (and terrible execution) out right now.
EH: Lashley’s Finally Reacting — Sort Of
When Dan Lambert tells American Top Team to “take the night off” (*wink wink*), Bobby Lashley is the only one in the bro crew to delay in fist bumping his boss. Instead, he asks Lambert if he’s sure. To that, Lambert replies, “Dude, he’s just a pro wrestler,” but that’s not the important part here … EvenThoughItShouldBeBecauseLashleyIsAlsoAProWrestler.
The important part is that Lashley’s frustration and worries are starting to shine in a moment when everyone watching (and of course, American Top Team) knows they’re going to interfere anyway. Considering the story they’re poorly telling, this was a moment of Lashley genuinely worrying … which makes the future segment (where he’s part of the ATT run-in) make zero sense.
What would make sense is if Lashley wasn’t initially part of the James Storm beatdown but then later shows up to get Dan Lambert to stop. But what happens in the actual match is this: Lashley spears Storm, as everyone takes turns beating him down, and then he decides it should stop when all that’s happening is Dan Lambert staring into the eyes of a wobbly-legged Storm. That’s when King Mo and Colby Covington (a name it literally took me minutes to remember, because John Hartnett is all that matters in these idiots) hit Storm with the Con-Beer-To … and Lashley doesn’t react to that, the actual moment of “going too far.” Then when the replays of the “match,” they don’t even show the “rational” Lashley part; the only thing that has him is just another angle on that bottle spot.
TL;DR This storyline has been going on for months, and Lashley is still less important than Dan Lambert. I’m sure the pay-off is going to be totally worth it, y’all.
EH: One Last Reminder That The Only Important Person In This Story Is Dan Lambert
KM’s moment to truly “prove himself” to ATT — being the first one to hit Storm with the beer bottle — isn’t even the finish of this match. (Speaking of, somehow Storm got through all of this with no blood? I’m not a blood lust type of gal, but come on.) The heat could have been put on him and he could have gotten so momentum if he was actually the one who took James Storm out. But no. Of course not.
You know what? I’ll even give an ACE to KM jumping Moose earlier in the show. Because that was honestly the smartest thing he’s done in this story.
EH: So Y’all Know This Is Bad? Okay.
“What an absolutely terrible way to go out.”
Well, yeah. You’re absolutely right, Jeremy Borash.
EH: Once More, With Feeling (aka Wow, Screw The Entire Impact Wrestling Roster)
With this, I can’t think of a better example of a talent telling a better story than the actual people behind in charge. Actually, maybe this is the case for scripting everything; Because if Storm’s pre-match promo was scripted, then it wouldn’t expose the story for how bad it is. Then again, Impact Wrestling chose to allow him to cut and air a promo where it exposes this story for what it is.
So, just to be clear, the promo James Storm cuts this week is another one where he proclaims his love for Impact Wrestling and THIS. BUSINESS. You know the deal, just like you know Storm has a way of selling people on things that should never be sold. (Like this story.) The problem is, however, this:
“I am this company. … So tonight, you’re not just fighting me: You’re fighting all the boys and girls in the back.”
Then where the hell are all the boys and girls in the back when Storm is getting taken down by American Top Team? (By the way, an ACE to the lady in the crowd who you could hear the audible eye roll of as she uttered: “Six on one? Seriously?!?”) They have no problem hugging him and telling him they appreciate him after the match.
So why was it that Moose was the only one who was going to have his back, before he got jumped by KM. I’ll wait. Especially when Storm at least had two allies in the even worse “Team Impact vs. Team AAA” feud. Are we really supposed to believe that white meat babyface Eddie Edwards would just chill backstage while everything was going down? Really?
And in case you didn’t think the writing off of James Storm was disrespectful enough, when they show that solitary moment of him on the phone with his wife? It’s drowned out by the crowd chanting “L-A-X,” because apparently they couldn’t find a quiet place — maybe outside, since they often film outside too, you know? — to film the moment.
ACE: Big Fight Feel
Alright, back to the actual show. I really am sorry to start this all on such a negative note, but I really figured it was better to get it all out of the way now than to wait and let the frustration taint everything else. So, let’s get to some real ACEs. An Ishimori/Trevor Lee match. That can’t be bad, right? (Before I get to how it can be bad, let me please praise the backspring crossbody into Lee’s fallaway slam spot. It’s amazing, and I rewound it like five times.)
EH: The Intricacies Of An Ishimori/Trevor Lee Match
You probably already know where I’m going with this. “He was outstanding in last year’s Super X Cup.” Yes, but Ishimori didn’t win last year’s Super X Cup. I like Ishimori a lot, but this company has dropped the ball numerous times when it comes to giving someone who’s actually on their roster a story (and even a character). So they have Josh Mathews salivating for over half a year all over the guy Dezmond Xavier beat in the Super X Cup finals. Why not just have Ishimori win the tournament then, to help the ~global reach~ talking point?
Jeremy Borash also mentions that Dezmond Xavier must be watching this match, calling him “a man that’s been in contention for that X-Division Championship” and “will likely face the winner of this match.” There’s a pause from JB when he says that second part, as though he’s either just bullshitting or making sure he gets out the necessary talking point. It ends up being the latter, as Dezmond Xavier comes up to Ishimori right after he wins the championship — reminding him that he beat him last time they went one-on-one.
You know, I think I’d be less frustrated if they’d just had Ishimori win the title in a multi-man match (perhaps the one at Bound For Glory). That way, even though Xavier wouldn’t have had a one-on-one championship match, at least Ishimori wouldn’t have before him.
Unrelated to the general logic of this entire division, there’s the story the match tells that factors into the finish. The story of Caleb Konley, being one of Rita Repulsa’s Putties, I guess? No, I’m not referring to the part where Caleb distracts Child Ref for absolutely no reason; I’m talking about when he takes one forearm from the apron and apparently dies. The forearm happens a little right after the show gets back on from commercial, so there’s a lot of time between then and the finish. Even worse, you can see Caleb just barely pretending to struggle to get back up when Ishimori goes for the 450. Him crying over Lee’s loss is amusing, but it would be more amusing if there was an actual explanation for him being useless at the end of this match.
EH: Referees Are Really More Of A Suggestion …
I’ve cut Child Ref slack for not being the worst referee in Impact Wrestling right now, but it’s worth acknowledging he hasn’t proven himself to be a good referee either. The X-Division Championship match is when I first noticed that he’s absolutely awful at telegraphing that things are just going to be a two count. It’s like he really doesn’t trust the talent to kick out at the proper time — which is pretty insulting, honestly — so he holds his arm back after the two even if they haven’t yet kicked out.
ACE: The Sneakiest Of Meatheads
“As far as, ‘Is there gonna be no more Mr. Nice Guy?’ Johnny Impact was never Mr. Nice Guy.”
This is probably the most natural thing Johnny Impact has said in a promo since he got here.
EH: Feast Or Fired, The Series
There are literally two “Loser Leaves Town” matches in this episode of Impact Wrestling.
Did no one think, “Should we maybe space this out better?”
ACE: A “One More Round!” Chant For The Impact Grand Championship
You know what? All things considered, this match deserves it. I’ll allow it.
EH: The Case Against Marijuana
After this show, Matt Sydal might be the biggest heel in Impact Wrestling. You’d think I’d love the one who says screw the actual rules of the Grand Championship and pushes to remove the format … but not when that pushing is simply confirmation that his opponent was right all along. He really can’t get things done when it counts. Again, this all comes across — and you know it’s not intentional — as someone who couldn’t win the Global Championship or X-Division Championship now looking for excuses as the why he can’t even win the worst championship in the company.
“Yeah, that Grand Championship is supposed to stand for the best in pure wrestling in this industry. And what happened tonight is the same thing that happened to me before. EC3 managed to find a way to put an intermediary between me and him. To find a way to separate himself, just far enough away… That he can keep a little bit of distance, watch the clock, use the judges to avoid facing me one-on-one like a real man.”
I feel like Sydal (the character) just does not understand the match structure of the Grand Championship, and since there’s no one in this company to explain them to him (because no one cares), he’s snapped. His post-match promo is truly a piece of work, as he finds a way to say EC3 used Fallah Bahh — you might know him as the one who spent most of the match on the outside, actually — as a way to win.
Fallah Bahh being removed from the equation was integral to literally both men’s strategies in this match, and neither one really gained the upper hand on him, so that makes little sense for an argument. And “the best in pure wrestling?” The Grand Championship? “FOOTAGE NOT FOUND,” etc. The “use the judges” point is crazy too, because Sydal’s the only one who even addresses and shakes the hands of the judges before these matches.
Also, let’s be honest, Sydal (the wrestler) has a couple of legitimate timing miscalculations in this match. One of which Josh Mathews even has to try to cover up on commentary! That would be at the end of the first round, where Sydal tries to get one last ditch hit on Fallah Bahh, but the time ends when he’s still very much in motion (but not even yet mid-air), and he still goes for it. Josh tries to save it wasn’t a cheap shot, but technically, it kind of was. The first round also has Sydal completely missing an attempted kick to Fallah Bahh (who moves on to the next spot, unaware Sydal was just trying to kick him).
You even have Sydal (the character) going on about how his Shooting Star Press is so powerful, only to ignore how when he hits the move toward the end of the third round, hurts himself (Rob Van Dam-style). Then he starts pinning EC3 way too late to get the win. Sydal’s point about EC3 watching the clock is actually a fallacy, by the way. EC3 is out. Sydal just doesn’t capitalize, because he always Rob Van Dams himself on his finisher. And because he might not know how to read numbers. EC3 is an unsportsmanlike jerk, but at least he’s not throwing a tantrum because he doesn’t understand the very rules of the title he’s defending.
EH: The Expired Chicken Or The Rotten Egg
What’s a worse use of Impact Wrestling’s time and existence as a television product:
- Using the Global Wrestling Network spot in the episode to show the origin of Joseph Park (okay, okay, understandable… wait, why is this so long?) … and then show the entirety of Joseph Park vs. Bully Ray from Slammiversary 2012, complete with the trending topic that aired with the pay-per-view? OR…
- Having a heavily clipped Global Championship match — between the champion and someone he’s in a blood feud with, not even just some indy guy — from a poorly shot independent promotion, held in a practically empty gymnasium?
Whichever one you think wins, we all still lose.
EH: #GlobalForged
Remember that episode of Global Forged (lol I know, funny joke) that was all about getting Can-Am Dojo trainer/Impact Wrestling enhancement talent Jon Bolen over, instead of the actual competitors? Well he gets to be in Chandler Park’s (an ACE, of course) debut match, while the winner of Global Forged (Hakim Zane, remember him?) is … ?
EH: About The Expired Chicken …
The following is something I wrote about the six-man tag match where Alberto El Patron pinned Eli Drake (which got him the disappointing title match), but I didn’t include it in the original recap because I wanted to confirm my suspicions. But watching the title match, it looks like I was right: Impact Wrestling so wants to play both sides when it comes to Alberto El Patron. He’s 100 percent the pissed-off babyface in his title match against Eli Drake (who of course has to cheat to win), and that’s insane.
Let’s talk about anti-heroes and shades of grey, shall we? That’s not what’s happening with Alberto El Patron, but that doesn’t mean Impact Wrestling isn’t going to try, you know? I think everyone watching this or at least with a tangential knowledge of the storyline knows Alberto’s the heel. He ruined Bound For Glory more by interfering in the main event … but before that he cut a rambling promo where he got the crowd to cheer him for being against the company.
Understandably, being anti-authority is going to get you cheered, but remember, he was also complaining about how they suspended him when he made a fool of himself in public. Again. It wasn’t a good look, but the choice in delivery was strange, because it was obviously designed to get him cheers — despite the actual content and the result.
So now he’s feuding with Johnny “Kid” Impact and Eli “Paper Champion” Drake, but obviously most of his focus is on Johnny; because while Eli’s the champion, Johnny’s the babyface, so it’s an easy target. But now we have him in a six-man tag team match on the same side as the faces, against Eli Drake, Chris Adonis, and the partner of their choosing. That’s … odd, no?
Alberto explains on this episode: “That President and Vice President came with their 25 lawyers just to force me to do this.” Except, why would Impact Wrestling authority figures (in story) want Alberto to team with the man he’s been trying to kill for weeks? They even got “banned from the building” for a week because of the damage they did to each other. (And Alberto did the most damage. Like I said, he’s been trying to kill him.) Why would they want to put them in a situation for that to happen again? The question is “can they co-exist,” but the answer is literally no. The answer is also “Alberto El Patron actually has no idea how to subtly tell someone he’s going to interfere/screw them.”
I believe I said with the previous episode, Impact Wrestling is trying to have their cake and eat it when it comes to Alberto El Patron. They see him as a draw, which is why he’s still even part of the company — instead of just cutting him loose and focusing on talent who doesn’t have a habit of publicly embarrassing themselves and their company as a result. So even though he “has” to be the bad guy in his return, that doesn’t mean they don’t want him to be cheered (and for fans to buy his merchandise). So they put him in positions to be cheered.
That’s why he’s on the face team in the six-man tag. That’s why — after Eli spits on Alberto before doing an elbow drop — Alberto gets the face treatment of the referee holding him back as he tries to go into the ring. (Remember, this referee just stands around confused most times, so him actually doing something sticks out.) And Josh Mathews isn’t even calling him a “son of a bitch” anymore (which was one of the few good things Josh was doing). Instead, Alberto is “hot-fused” and “short-tempered.” I can’t remember if he was called “passionate,” but you get the point.
It’s playing both sides, and while that’s technically a win for the shades of grey argument, is it really shades of grey when the character is playing the poor me card, refusing to take any responsibility? Then he weasels his way into a win and hits a terrible looking (technically, Frog) splash to pin the champion in the center of the ring. That’s when he becomes a “thief” to commentary, but it’s a little too late. Is it really worth it to play both sides with Alberto El Patron at the expense of others? Johnny Impact only beat Alberto because of interference and a roll-up. Eli Drake can’t beat Alberto El Patron on his own. No one is made to look good but Alberto, but since he doesn’t even look good … It’s a vicious cycle, you see?
ACE: All Heart Santana
It’s strange to say, but LAX vs. oVe is the saving grace of this episode. Remember how rough this feud was? Remember? Because it was rough.
The key to these LAX/oVe matches are the fact that they’re car crash matches, but you’ve got to get it up to LAX that they’re really good at the babyface-in-peril (Santana) and house of fire segments (Ortiz) in the match. oVe just has to be obnoxious (Jake Crist, every time he pins someone) and do stupid crazy moves (Jake Crist’s interception cutter). The EH goes to Poor Man’s Poor Man’s Dan Hedaya though, because it’s a match he’s refereeing.
Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap, because otherwise I won’t be able to keep these up. Also comment, because I actually love reading comments. (Crazy, right?) And despite frustrations, I’m really looking forward to see how things shake out when the new tapings start airing.
