Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling — that’s what this is, it probably won’t change again — coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend.
Good news, friendly readers: After this edition of Aces And Ehs, you should be getting these recaps a lot quicker. The obligation that prevented me from doing so before no longer an obligation, so now I can pump you full of some green goodness (and Impact clips) much quicker. This also means I can now commit more time to Impact’s YouTube, where their new GFW (“GFW”) AMPED Anthology trick is to put “AMPED Anthology” at the very end of the video title. So now you see things like “Shelton Benjamin Taken Out & Makes A Major,” think Shelton left WWE again, click, then see the full thing is “Shelton Benjamin Taken Out & Makes A Major Announcement AMPED Anthology Part 3 Fri, October 13th.”
In a related note: Editors, please don’t make me cover AMPED Anthology.
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world.
Previously: We learned Karen Jarrett hasn’t been given desk privileges, and the soul of every ‘80s professional wrestler lives in Gail Kim. I also realized Eli Drake might be Mr. Kennedy 2.0 and got super existential about it.
EH: All In On Green
This edition of Impact Wrestling is instantly memorable for one reason in particular: Despite taking GFW out of the opening signature, so much of the episode itself mentions “GFW” or “GLOBAL FORCE WRESTLING.” It’s to the point where James Storm — a TNA original who is more loyal than anyone — leads the Impact Zone troops into a rousing “GFW” chant. Because he bleeds green and owl pellets, and as long as he talks with that loud, slightly slurred James Storm inflection, people will believe Global Force Wrestling is actually a cool thing and not an entity that one audience member at Slammiversary was actively rooting against.
I respect that James Storm has no idea of what it means to phone something in, even if that type of conviction can sometimes lead him to totally not killing Mickie James on some train tracks. It’s weird to hear him as #1 GFW shill, but he’s the first member of the roster to actually make the weird, no longer existing transition from TNA to GFW sound like a natural progression. When Storm speaks, you almost want to say, “Oh yeah, it’s been GFW the whole time!”
On the other hand, the Impact Zone crowd is more into chanting “TACO BELL” than they are “GFW.”
EH: Dirty Finish Road
There are four matches on Victory Road and three of them end with dirty finishes. That’s fine, right?
EH: I Hope You Know That This Is All Your Fault
“Certainly an exciting time for all of us here, despite the fake news and the naysayers out there.” – Josh Mathews
This show has multiple instances of people saying the name of the company they no longer are (and technically never were) because they can’t afford to film at a more normal schedule (one that would accommodate for how much of a mess they make every other week). They’ve gone back to showing segment recaps where they replay entire segments — even the Karen Jarrett office segment — to fill time. This show doesn’t even know (or make sure the talent know) the difference between last week and two weeks ago. The official photo gallery for this episode is actually the photo gallery for the episode before. Oh yeah, Impact Wrestling still hasn’t learned the ways of the calendar. Wasn’t Eddie Edwards’ GHC title win (or a defense) supposed to be on this show? They said “next week” last week, so expect it in three weeks.
The only “fake news” I can think of when it comes to Impact is discussion about possible sales, but come on: The problems reported with the company are actual problems. Yet instead of learning from their mistakes, they just have Josh Mathews (or Joseph Park) complain about it as a “joke.”
So tune in next week when the same thing happens.
EH: The Voices Of The Sadly Not Yet Voiceless
Josh Mathews thinks he’s helping Trevor Lee by focusing on Trevor’s genius IQ and how dumb his opponents are. As Mathews points out, Trevor has a 154 IQ compared to what he assumes Petey Williams’ IQ is: 94. Thing is, the audience knows that Trevor Lee is smart. Or at least, the audience knows he’s smart compared to dummies like Sonjay Dutt. But for any new person tuning in, just how much do you think they can stand of Josh screeching about IQ tests during a wrestling match?
It’s not good heel work if it makes potential new fans immediately tune out. Unless Impact Wrestling has been doing a postmodern attempt at professional wrestling all this time, and having people avoid the product is part of the whole experience. I hate that I regularly have to address commentary, but for a company that always “changes,” it still hasn’t learned its changes have to be for the better for them to matter.
ACE For Effort: EH For Logic
Impact Wrestling didn’t put any of the match up on its YouTube channel. There is this though.
So … Petey Williams sure like hurricanranas, doesn’t he? After the third one in the match, it’s really hard not to notice it, because he does hurricanranas like other wrestlers do forearms or chops. It’s… odd. Has he always been a hurricanrana enthusiast? I know that’s a strange thing to fixate on, but even the Impact website mentions it. It adds an apostrophe to hurricanranas, but it still mentions it.
Hurricanranas aside, this match is worked fairly well, especially considering its very existence. But Caleb Konley plays a good weasel sidekick to Trevor Lee, and the finishing sequence is executed beautifully between Petey and Trevor (some nice false finishes, and the stomp out of nowhere is awesome). If you were thinking they might sell it as Petey’s revenge on what Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley did to Sonjay Dutt, they do not. Even Trevor Lee doesn’t understand why he’s defending his title against Petey Williams:
“There’s not really a lot of history there with me and Petey Williams. He used to be a top guy, but now [he’s] just another guy to step over.”
It’s not like Victory Road is a real pay-per-view anymore, so the Petey decision isn’t exactly a case of wanting a bigger buyrate or anything like that. This same show features Dezmond Xavier celebrating with his buddies oVe for winning the tag titles, so it makes little sense why he — the Super X Cup winner — is not the one challenging Trevor Lee for the X-Division title. Logic dictates he’ll challenge at Bound For Glory, but history chronicled in these recaps says otherwise…
EH: TV-PG! *Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap*
I don’t care about your lame “edgy” wordplay, Konnan. I just want to know if the clubhouse (very much shown to be just a place backstage around equipment cases) can teleport from Orlando to Tijuana. Because that appears to be the implication this week, once they say they’ll go back to their club (in Tijuana) to celebrate successfully defending the tag titles. That is at least a 10 hour flight, jefe.
ACE: God Save The Knockouts
There’s really not much to say about the six-women Knockouts match on the macro level, because it’s exactly what you think and hope it is: It’s a six-women Knockouts match with the stars of the division. Allie and Rosemary’s (#DemonBunny) chemistry continues be one of the shining spots of Impact Wrestling, and their codebreaker/German suplex double team combo is poetry in motion.
Everyone gets their time to shine, and the only thing that particularly sticks out is the pre-match guesswork of Jim Cornette, speaking about the Knockouts for the first time ever. (And basically cursing Gail Kim’s team by saying they’re going to win.) I write a lot about how Impact can’t even stay consistent on a weekly basis just with something as seemingly simple as their name, but against all odds, the Knockouts Division these days remains consistent in how good the talent is.
Also, Taryn Terrell might not still come out to the jam known as “Hot Mess” (R.I.P.), but she’s still so good at the little things. Her running out of the ring as soon as Gail Kim gets in, only to later in the match (while Gail is down) request to finally tag in is perfect:
Taryn: “I can do it! I can do it!”
Sienna: “You better do it this time!”
Taryn: *does it*
ACE: Everything Before “Chihuahua” (Yes, Even “Mexi-can’t”)
Please know that this ACE also includes James Storm and EC3’s backstage stare down before Storm’s in-ring promo. If anyone were watching this, I’d say that stare down launched a thousand fics. Josh Mathews later tries to ruin it with his voice by saying a line that would definitely be in most of these fics — “Strange bedfellows here on Thursday night.” — but he can’t ruin everything. And thankfully there’s the second stare down.
As I mentioned earlier, James Storm has a way of making you believe everything he says in his promos, to a point where you only ever question him (if you do at all) after he’s already said what he has to say. His words hold power, which is why it’s such a cool thing for him to immediately shut down lazy “USA” chants and point out his problem with Fantasma, Pagano, and Texano is all a matter of being upset disrespectful asses are being disrespectful asses in his business. He kind of has to shut said chants down because his promo starts off dangerously close to a “Mexicans are trying to take my job” promo, but it really only sounds like that because he’s cutting a blood feud promo for a nonsensical feud. The James Storm Special.
And James Storm’s “Mexi-can”/”Mexi-can’t” is such a dad joke, I think we finally have the answer to the Roode family question, “Why is daddy cheating?” It’s because he couldn’t take any more of The Cowboy’s dad jokes, Roode family.
EH: As Usual, I Was Saying Boo-SA (And Boo This Angle)
How exactly do you go from shutting down a lazy “USA” chant to causing the crowd to chant “TACO BELL” at a Mexican wrestler? I didn’t imagine that, right? It’s the most ill-advised aspect of the promo, because he does such a good job making it a matter of pride and respect… and then it ends on a “yo quiero Taco Bell” level note. I’m mostly just confused.
However, the bigger problem is that Impact Wrestling has not built an invasion angle, no matter how many times they say they have. Because if AAA is part of the Global Force (“Global Force”), how exactly is this an invasion? They’re technically part of the roster. Is Garza Jr.’s removal of his pants an act of invasion? Wait, can Garza Jr.’s removal of his pants please be considered an act of invasion? Look at that, I just came up with another fic prompt.
If you’re playing Impact Wrestling bingo, you know that an invasion angle is right next to a power struggle angle; sometimes they’re one and the same, but they’re both still very much Same Old Impact. The bigger problem is that this isn’t even a half-assed version of an invasion angle. It’s a quarter-assed, at best. James Storm and EC3 (and maybe Eddie Edwards too, depending on where he is in the space-time continuum) are bonded in “their hatred of AAA,” apparently. What hatred of AAA? They have problems with three guys, not an entire roster. Remember how Hector Guerrero was part of the start of this, as the impartial Grand Championship judge who sided with EC3?
If they were trying to do an invasion or takeover, why not just have Guerrero side with Fantasma and the AAA guys? Why not have Fantasma win that match and AAA keep the Grand Championship hostage? Really, if they ever want any of these partnerships to mean anything, outside talent is going to have to win Impact titles. Then there’s an actual angle.
And if there’s a war, then why do only three members of the roster care? Why can’t Jim Cornette (or Scott D’Amore or Karen Jarrett) just get rid of the troublemaking AAA-ers? Why can’t they use other AAA talent? Oh god, are these guys the American Top Team of lucha/AAA? What does this make Johnny Impact, besides the white guy exception to the “AAA = bad guys” rule? Fantasma even says here that they respect GFW — not really the makings of an invasion, guys — but believe AAA is the best promotion. So they just want bragging rights, not some war. My head…
One of the worst things about Jim Cornette just being an onscreen figure in a company that changes what it’s doing every week is that he’s only going with what he knows for this character. And what he knows, while it might make sense, usually isn’t what the story is telling. Here, specifically, it’s in how he talks about the AAA partnership. As commentary is talking about Impact’s “partner promotion” somehow invading through the front door, Cornette attempts to explain to us what Impact/AAA even means:
Storm: “Jim, how keen is GFW on this AAA partnership?”
Cornette: “The promotional affiliation? They’re pretty keen.”
Storm: “Well, uh… AAA’s not gonna be too happy the way we send them boys back to them.”
Cornette: “James, please. Win the match, don’t screw up the deal.”
I just have “the promotional affiliation?” on a loop in my mind. And how would he ruin the deal? What is the deal? Can we see the deal to better understand the deal? Also, all of that exchange this is dialogue from one of the James Storm/EC3 fics, I’m sure of it.
ACE: LOL Grifted Grado
Grado is getting swindled (or at least getting a typical indy paycheck — sans hot dog), which almost makes it all worth it. What actually makes it all worth it is the number of glasses on this wrestling restaurant table:
EH: Oh, Hi Mark
Please tell me it was intentional for Scott D’Amore to do the most Tommy Wiseau-esque acting for his phone conversation with the Global Forged finalist Mark. Tell me this and I will make it an ACE so fast. And bless Global Forged finalist Mark for living up to The Room standards by not knowing how to do a fake phone call.
This is an EH because this should not be on primetime television. Unless the joke is that this is another one of the Broken Universe/Park & Borash type segments. Because the only time this looks TV ready is at the end, when Scott D’Amore cuts a promo to the camera instead of pretending to be a human being. I’m mean, I’m sure D’Amore knows how to be a human being. But being a human being for a reality show is much different, and he does not currently have that skill.
EH: oVe! oVe! oVe! Is It Working Yet? oVe! oVe!
Much like Petey Williams is obsessed with hurricanranas, Jake Crist is more concerned with getting the chant “oVe” over than he is with actually winning or wrestling any match. Even worse, the crowd seems to realize that, and every time he starts it up, they counter-chant “LAX.” Except for that one very high-pitched woman in the front row who chants “oVe” even when no one else is chanting a thing.
Really, based on what the Impact Zone has seen from oVe during these tapings, why on Earth would any of them — besides people already familiar with and supportive of the Crists — cheer for them against the proven LAX? Their Impact Zone performances have been bad to less bad, and that’s all the reference they have for these guys. And now they’re the tag team champions. They win the match in their best match in Impact so far, but if they couldn’t have a good match with LAX, then we’d really have to be worried. Because then they would be Veterans of War level. The match itself is still more white noise of the inevitable, especially since it’s the only match on this faux pay-per-view where a title change could be allowed.
And for those of us who have seen more than the Impact Zone at this time, we can address that Josh Mathews tries to sell the story in this match that the reason the Crist brothers lost in Tijuana is because Konnan paid off the referee. In fact, commentary sells that match — which we saw clips of — as a two-on-two match where the referee was paid off and Homicide interfered. Yes, Homicide did interfere. But he wasn’t the deciding factor, and oVe weren’t even pinned in that match… as there were two other teams competing against oVe and LAX. If Impact wants to sell a certain narrative, why don’t they just execute said narrative? Or at least not show us the exact opposite and expect us to forget (I wish I could) or accept it (I wish I didn’t see this take as much as I do).
ACE: The Nicole Kidman Of MMA
Everything about this Lashley/American Top Team thing is still staggeringly awful, but you know what’s not? King Mo leading the charge in a segment of amazingly terrible, “Is American Top Team a cult?” acting.
Despite the press release about Impact not releasing Lashley from his contract, Lashley appears to have been released from his contract. I say “appears” because the actual show never even mentioned the press release, and Lashley is simply not showing up to the Impact Zone, so… This level of storytelling never falters, y’all. And because Impact is subservient to American Top Team, they send their cameras to the facility to watch Lashley and his friends train. King Mo, a jock who is also somehow a human ball of awkwardness, pauses the practice to inform the crew of something even the viewers at home can see: “Bobby’s back, y’all.” Then they all high five Lashley (nooice) and go around in a circle sharing their feelings, specifically their feelings about how Lashley should stay in MMA and how professional wrestling is full of suppressive people.
Keep in mind — because while no one at Impact remembers, I do — that feelings circle leader King Mo is the one in this storyline who originally said that Lashley should do both MMA and professional wrestling. I remember this vividly because they aired him saying exactly that (no new footage), two weeks in a row. Then, all of a sudden, when American Top Team kept showing up in the Impact Zone to choke Hebners and slap D’Amores, King Mo was nowhere to be found. The one who would be the voice of reason in this storyline straight up disappeared. And now he’s back, spouting the gospel of American Top Team and MMA.
I know what you’re thinking: “Are you saying King Mo was Stepford Wife’d?” That is exactly what I am saying.
Then Dan Lambert shows up to cut a Cobra Kai promo on American Top Team being a “championship factory” and Impact “a circus.” I can’t speak to The Center … er … American Top Team, but I can speak to his words on Impact. He’s right.
EH: Just. Stop. Talking.
Josh Mathews gets dangerously close to perfectly selling Eli Drake in the Victory Road main event, and then he says this:
“It may seem boring to you, but this is how Eli Drake wins matches.”
Let me back up. Mathews spends a good portion of the Victory Road main event talking about how Eli Drake’s wrestling style involves grinding and wearing down his opponent, how every action Drake takes in the ring for that specific reason. That’s a good focus, and when you watch him do things like stomp Johnny Impact while he’s down or even just going for chokes, you can see that Mathews didn’t just pull this out of his fauxhawk. It’s the opposite of the Trevor Lee/IQ thing.
Now the problem is, even bringing up the idea that people might think it’s “boring” acknowledges that: 1. People have called Eli Drake’s wrestling boring. 2. Josh Mathews is trying to cover for Eli Drake being boring by saying “eh, wrong.” It’s calling attention to a talking point that’s not even part of the main event story or Eli Drake’s character, so it’s clearly referring to something. And because Josh Mathews can’t ever do commentary without being petty in some form, he turns his rare example of good work into more of his immature commentary.
ACE: He Told You So
I actually did find myself very invested in Eli Drake during this match — especially after last week’s Mr. Kennedy freak out — because this match was the perfect thing to highlight something no one ever seems to talk about when it comes to him. That would be that he’s secretly very good at making his opponents look even better.
No, that’s not a backhanded compliment. I think going against couch thief Johnny Impact really makes this clearer though. Because one thing that’s always been apparent about Johnny’s wrestling style is that, despite how flashy it looks, it’s always been hard to make any of it look all that (hehe) impactful. The illusion can be created with smaller, flippier guys taking the offense, but there’s something worth praising about a bigger guy making it look good as well. And that’s 100% what Eli Drake does in this match. Seriously, Johnny Impact’s offense looks far better (in actual effect, not just execution) than it tends to with Eli Drake selling for it. And despite being a bigger guy, he even takes the Spanish Fly off the top rope… which we all know isn’t just a one-person situation.
Eli Drake isn’t a flashy in-ring technician, but this match is the closest we’ve ever gotten to him (perhaps since his match against Alberto El Patron earlier this year) to a secret workhorse. It’s weird to think this is better than Johnny Impact vs. Low-Ki, but with that match, you had to have know what you were getting. There was no way Johnny’s offense would look as effective against Low-Ki’s (despite the result), and there was no way Low-Ki was going to sell Johnny’s offense as such. Throw in the Impact pacing for those two, and it’s no surprise that wasn’t a classic. But this match, with the Impact pacing and a solid grasp of what’s required on both men’s parts, really works.
I still can’t believe someone tried to start a “HIRE RUSSO” chant way before the Attitude Era last act of the match (and the post-match segment) though.
EH: Where’s Your Pants! Where’s Your Pants!
Garza Jr. makes the babyface save on Johnny Impact without his pants. Meaning he can’t remove his pants to show that it’s going down for real. Meaning that he gets his pantless ass handeed to him. The bloom has fallen off the rose.
An ACE to LAX though (wow, I know) for jumping Johnny Impact in the first place because he stupidly celebrated oVe’s tag title win backstage. Who watches the product? LAX watches the product. I’d say they also attacked him for Low-Ki, but Low-Ki’s apparently been erased from the LAX history books post-departure. They don’t even kayfabe where he went. They just don’t mention him.
EH: Really? Again?
The post-Impact movie for this week was What About Bob? Again. This is not what I signed up for Pop TV. Play something like Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit or Overboard. Bob will still be around.
Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap, because otherwise I won’t be able to keep these up. And since I’ll be sending these in on a more timely schedule from now on, you should have no problem sharing.
