Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: A motivated Brock Lesnar returned to destroy a ring full of Superstars, Kurt Angle is being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, and Sami Zayn is now Woody Allen for some reason. Also, Roman Reigns got powerbombed through the announce table for not remembering Battleground.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 23, 2017.
Worst: Episodes That Don’t Physically Connect
I want to detach for a second from the subject of whether or not I liked last night’s Roman Reigns segments to comment on something I think hurts ALL of them: the idea that wrestling doesn’t happen between Tuesday and Sunday. Or Saturday if there’s a pay-per-view.
Last night, Roman Reigns — a man who has a one-on-one match for the Universal Championship at Royal Rumble with a stipulation that benefits him — talks his way into a United States Championship match against Chris Jericho. He could’ve skipped the Machiavellian maneuvering and just opened the show with, “the only two people I ever wrestle now are Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho, which one am I wrestling tonight before the other interferes, or am I just wrestling both of you?”
But yeah, Jericho and Reigns wrestle again (again), and when Roman’s about to win, Kevin Owens interferes, causing a disqualification. The heels try to team up on Roman and lock him in the WWE Crash Cage® cage, but he escapes, locks OWENS in the cage, then Superman punches Jericho while he’s hanging from it.
The problem I have with this, aside from it being the most John Cenic nonsense on Raw, is that Roman is just 100% all the time. Think about what he’s been through in the past three episodes. Two episodes ago he got beaten up by three guys to set up a handicap match in which he got beaten up by two guys, Code-broken twice and powerbombed on the ring apron. That’s the move that almost ended Sami Zayn’s career, and at least managed to incapacitate Seth Rollins for a week. That move even did damage to Cena, which is like beating the Ruby Weapon. One episode ago Roman took an F-5 from Brock Lesnar, then wrestled a six-man tag that ended with him being assaulted with a steel chair and powerbombed through the announce table. This week, after all of that, he’s able to pretty handily beat a secondary champion, fight off the two top heels on the show again, escape a cage and dramatically punch dangling Canadians.
I know dude wrestles in a bulletproof vest or whatever, but shouldn’t he be showing SOME damage, at some point? How much do you have to do to a guy before he’s showing wear and tear? I’m not asking for DDP-style rib tape, but the guy’s been through hell, and a little vulnerability or humanity would go a long way. At least tell him to make it look like he’s trying hard, you know? It’s not about shaking out your hand because you got put in a long wristlock last week, it’s you’ve spent the last month being dramatically destroyed and you’re still wrestling entire matches like you’re in off the hot tag.
When the episodes don’t physically connect, it’s hard to buy into what they’re telling as a continued story. This is supposed to be really happening to these guys. Remember that selling doesn’t end the second the segment is over, you know? Maybe I’m the only person in the world that cares about this, but I’d prefer if the pro wrestlers felt like humans and not like somebody restarted the match in 2K.
Best: Penultimate X
What can I say though, sometimes I’m a sucker for a cool visual.
Best: Canceled!
Speaking from a purely “guy who writes about wrestling every week” point of view, I’m pretty happy with how this plays out six days before the Royal Rumble. Before this week, it felt like a 100% certainty that Roman Reigns was going to beat Kevin Owens and win the Universal Championship. Sure, shark cage matches only have one finish — the guy put in the cage above the ring so he won’t interfere still finds a way to interfere — but I figured they’d just have Roman wrap Jericho’s interference scarf around his fist and Superman punch Owens to death.
But now, the situation is weighed too much in Owens’ favor. You’ve got Reigns dropping his secondary championship right before his big match for the main strap of the show right at the start of WrestleMania season, sure. But now you’ve got (1) the concept of the shark cage match, which almost always favors the heels, (2) Owens getting super humiliated on the go-home show before the Rumble, (3) a “no disqualification” stipulation suddenly being added, which could justify Owens using weapons to beat Reigns or the more obvious interference from whoever Reigns is slotted in to face at WrestleMania, like Braun Strowman, and (4) everyone’s preconceived assumption that Reigns is gonna win because “Roman Reigns.” I think we’re at our best place yet for Owens retaining the championship and being the champ at WrestleMania. Or at least Fast Lane.
Best: Everything About Rollins Vs. Zayn Except The Finish
The other big Royal Rumble angle of the week besides “old men are SUDDENLY STARING” is the match between Seth Rollins vs. Sami Zayn, made via emasculating Stephanie McMahon phone call so that the winner would be in the Royal Rumble match, but the loser wouldn’t. Mick Foley had to deliver that news to Rollins, because messages are best sent through confused grandpas in wacky clothes.
The match is GREAT while it lasts, and is probably (definitely) the best match these two have had. I wish Raw would take more advantage of its roster by pairing up guys who could have great matches like this, booking that to happen on TV and at least attempting to fill three hours with SOME good wrestling. They were going great there for a while. A weekly 3-hour show with the best and most extensive pro wrestling roster access in history (counting Smackdown, NXT, 205 Live, the UK Whatevers, the upcoming women’s tournament and like, nWo Japan or whatever) should be able to give me one 20-minute thing featuring wrestlers I like doing cool shit.
I loved the high stakes of the match and the sense of urgency, and the fact that Rollins went for the Pedigree twice and got it countered twice. Sami Zayn is the kind of guy who should succeed not because he’s the biggest or fastest or toughest guy, but because he’s a student of the game and would do his homework. And then the Pedigree Rollins actually managed to hit is one on the apron, because there’s no way Sami could’ve anticipated or scouted that.
Everything about it was great, except, of course, the ending. Because WWE and Saturday Night Live agree that if you’ve got a good idea, who cares if you know how to end it?
Worst: The PHHHantom Menace
Distraction roll-up, dead ahead!
You’d think a guy called “the Architect” who was once Triple H’s Plan B and worked intimately with The Authority for like a year and a half would know not to stop wrestling his WIN OR YOU’RE OUT OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE match because Triple H’s music started. Especially when he’d stood there for 20 seconds making angry faces with no Triple H in sight. Think about it, Archie, Triple H is trying to interfere, right? It’s going to take him longer than the 3 seconds it’d take you to pin a knocked out Sami Zayn to get to the ring. And if it doesn’t, what’s he going to do, hit you? Then you get to hit him back, AND you win the match via disqualification, AND you’re in the Rumble and Sami isn’t.
I can see this distracting Dean Ambrose’s loosey-goosey ass, but you’re the Architect. Archit-act like one.
Best/Worst: Speaking Of Distraction Finishes
Because you can’t do just one. Or two!
I keep going back and forth on whether or not I liked this. Cesaro and Luke Gallows have a one-on-one match to help promote the Club getting their 70,001st Tag Team Championship match against Sheamus and Cesaro at Royal Rumble, in a rematch of last week’s Club vs. Sheamus and Cesaro Tag Team Championship match. And to set up the Sheamus and Cesaro vs. the Club Tag Team Championship match at Fast Lane, and probably The Club vs. the goddamn New Day at WrestleMania.
Anyway, Karl Anderson tries to interfere and gets chased to the back. Later, Gallows tries to goad Sheamus into punching him and drawing a disqualification. Cesaro sees this happening and distracts the referee long enough for Sheamus to throw hands and get away with it. They Bash Brothers forearm bump about it. Then, almost immediately, Anderson runs back out and boots Sheamus in the back of the head, causing the referee to get distracted again and miss Gallows tapping out. Gallows recovers and hits the Dainty Flapjack that should not pin newborn babies to win the match. At the Royal Rumble there will be TWO referees, which will definitely not cause an argument about the winners!
My natural instinct is to Worst this for the constant distraction finishes and The Club continuing to exist without a Club leader, but I kinda like that the teams are accepting the nature of their own match finishes and are trying to just out-cheat each other. It’s like a Revival match, but with bad booking and corny tropes in place of the cool actual tag team stuff.
Best: Boss Prevention
Here’s Rae Lyn fae lyn to defeat Nia Jax.
After the “match,” Jax cuts a rubbing-it-in promo about how she injured Sasha Banks and how the world has immediately forgotten her, which unfortunately feels a little true. It’s amazing how not being able to defend your championship one time three times in a row makes a person feel less special. But yeah, Jax’s ego flies too close to the sun, so Sasha shows up in a knee brace and takes her to the woodshed with a crutch.
I honestly feel like they could’ve taken this farther, had Banks do a little more damage and maybe have Jax sell it a bit more if they’re gonna do the “walk backwards up the ramp staring” ending instead of like, Jax showing a small amount of angry hustle by rolling out of the ring and chasing down the one-legged lady, but I liked it. I love that the women’s division is allowed secondary feuds, and I think Banks/Jax could be really great if it plays to their strengths and doesn’t suddenly have Sasha wrestling like Bayley.
Best: Speaking Of Bayley
I don’t have much to say about the sit-down interviews with Bayley and Charlotte except that they’re a massive improvement over whatever the hell that was last week.
Questioning The Very Existence Of Emmalina
For those who believe Emmalina will premiere soon, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the Emmalina formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written.
We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own Emmalina. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
This Week’s Cruiserweight Nonsense
We’re still changing the ropes for this!
Up first is the Cruiserweight Heel Jobbers Who Never Win vs. Jack Gallagher, the Debuting Cruiserweight We Hope Gets Over This Week, and “How Do You Do, Fellow Kids” TJ Perkins. Unsurprisingly, the heels lose. I feel like you could put Drew Gulak in a match against an empty garbage can on Raw and dude would spend Monday night at the dump.
The point of the match is to debut Mustafa Ali, who is legitimately super entertaining and super dope. He was one of the biggest and best surprises of the Cruiserweight Classic, and one of those guys (along with Gallagher, Tozawa and Ho Ho Lun) (kidding about that last one) that should’ve been there on day one, differentiating the division as a fun, exciting, diverse and complex living thing. Instead, we’ve spent the past few months watching guys hook in chinlocks until it’s time to hit their one move, followed by 2-5 minutes of Tony Nese trying to be on television without revealing he’s three children in a Party City muscle suit.
But yeah, Ali is great. Although I wish WWE would stop showing highlight videos full of every exciting thing the guy’s about to do moments before a guy debuts. Not only does it take the surprise and joy away from the audience, it shines too bright a light on the fact that these “innovative” guys have two or three things they do every match. Let the people watching discover some shit on their own time! These guys might have a chance in hell of getting over!
Remember when Rich Swann said Neville was a “royal sourpuss?” This week he says that Neville isn’t the king of the cruiserweights, he’s more like a JESTER. Woof. When is a piece of wood like a king? When it’s a ruler! YOU’RE A PIECE OF WOOD, NEVILLE! [dances, because he loves to have fun]
Swann beats “Bad At Jackets” Noam Dar. After the match, Dar runs into Cedric Alexander backstage, gets shoved on his ass and has his girlfriend yell, “you almost made him CRY,” because heels in the cruiserweight division that aren’t Neville are the least threatening people in the world. They’re the Dean Ambrose suicide dives of people.
Before I’m done, though, shout-out and supplemental Best to Alicia Fox’s shoulder bouquets, the WWE fashion highlight of 2017 so far. She looked like a Sailor Moon villain. I think maybe Foxy realizes how stupid the cruiserweight division is and has decided to do a Raul Julia as M. Bison in Street Fighter thing where she takes the camp up a notch but is so good at doing it not enough people notice.
I also hope she got those flowers through a hookup from her old job as a wedding planner.
Best: Handsome Rusev Modeling Club
I’d still rather listen to bulldozer noises than an Enzo and Big Cass promo right now, but this pre-match segment has two great moments:
1. Rusev openly questioning why Big Cass and Big E need to put “big” in front of their names, when it’s obvious that they’re big. He says it’d be like putting “handsome” in front of his name, and you don’t see him running around calling himself Handsome Rusev. One, that is amazing. Two, he should. Three, calling him “Handsome Rusev” for the rest of his life.
2. New Day and Titus cut an entire section of a promo based on Dr. Phil’s 13-year old car thief viral star “Danielle,” aka the HOW BOU DAH girl. It’s like a Dovahkiin shout for bad parenting.
Titus ends up announcing Braun Strowman as the fourth member of their team for an eight-man tag, which sadly does not involve Strowman asking Xavier Woods to clarify what he means by “the hoes are laughing.” It’s an interesting note that the Raw management team put Sami Zayn in a Royal Rumble qualifier match against Seth Rollins, but stuck the guy who murdered Sami for like three straight months as the 10th person in an 8-man tag.
The good news is that he ends up winning the match, cementing his spot as the guy who shows up early in the Rumble and eliminates all the New Day/Titus O’Neil/Jinder Mahal types. The bit at the end of the match with Enzo ending up alone with Braun and doing a shockingly good job of fighting back was really great. So was the DDT counter into the powerslam.
Also, +1 to Titus O’Neil for being the same height as 7-foot tall Big Cass.
After the match, a representative from the Dungeon of Doom shows up to step to Braun, giving us a big monster vs. monster showdown that is usually reserved for and would’ve worked way better IN the Royal Rumble. Still, it’s good to see Big Show out here in such great shape, wearing the red white and blue and standing up to heel bullies before his inevitable heel turn to face Shaquille O’Neal at WrestleMania. Unless they’re gonna go with Shaq as the heel. Gonna start a petition to send him a bunch of Andy Kaufman tapes and see what he makes of them.
Best: AW NUTS WE’RE OUT OF TIME
First of all, how amazing is it that Bill Goldberg showed up bleeding from the forehead, clearly concussed and unable to remember his lines from headbutting a door? It’s been almost 20 years and the guy still hasn’t learned to stop hurting himself.
Second of all, this is the most Nitro segment they’ve done in a while. After doing a Strowman vs. Show standoff that ends with nothing happening and everyone walking away, they do a Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker standoff that ends with the show going off the air before anything can happen. Did the live audience get a big confrontation we’re gonna see next week, or are we just supposed to remember the moment and not care what happened after it? I hope when the cameras were clear they did a three-way jumping high-five and walked to the back holding hands. Nitro always did that thing where they set up this apocalyptic confrontation and then never bothered to catch you up on what happened afterward.
Still though, this was a very cool moment. People love the Undertaker’s dong. And how funny is it that Undertaker’s on Raw for the build to WrestleMania after announcing Smackdown was his home and threatening their Survivor Series team?
Join us this Sunday for Kofi Kingston winning the Royal Rumble, and definitely not the Undertaker!
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Taylor Swish
(Tonight on RAW)
“Trust me, Emmalina is coming” — Sean Spicer
Lester
Cole: “And you’ve gotta believe Roman Reigns is IRATE tonight!”
*Roman walks to the ring, smirks, half-smiles, Jim Halperts*
*crowd continues to boo the shit out of the top babyface for more than two straight years*
Vince: “This is fine.”
DarO
Some say Lord Tensai started the Gaijin Revolution
troi
I bet Sami regrets turning down that Eva Marie trade
AddMayne
*CM Punk disinterestedly looks up from his mug of Pepsi for a second, then goes back to writing his Drax sequel*
pdragon
Jokes on you Seth, that was the exact 100th pedigree you needed to complete the summoning.
The Real Birdman
*Jinder Mahal walks out*
“I’m declaring myself in the Rumble”
Stephanie looking distractedly at her phone: “Sure, whatever”
AJ Dusman
TJP needs to pay homage to the true video game pioneer Atari…and bury himself in a landfill.
Full Nelson Reilly
Since Ali used to be a cop, he should team with Gallagher and call themselves An Officer and A Gentleman. You’re welcome
Clay Quartermain
In retrospect, Daniel Bryan’s retirement was hardest on Titus most of all
That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading. Make sure you’re here all week and this weekend for our NXT TakeOver: San Antonio and Royal Rumble coverage. We’ll be live in-house for both events, and also on the Internet making jokes about it. Make sure you click the share buttons for THIS column and drop a comment in our comments section below, and we’ll see you on the show where stuff actually happens!
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