The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 10/28/13: John Cena Is Never Losing Again

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Please click through for the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw for October 28, 2013. Sorry about that first page.

Worst: Let’s Calmly Discuss What Just Happened With The Money In The Bank Briefcase

I need you to understand something important.

There is no such thing as “Internet fans.”

Internet fans are just fans. Fans who have computers, or some kind of phone and a WiFi connection. There is not an asinine little huddle of gripey, overweight, pimply nerds in somebody’s basement hobbling together an IRC about how Ryback’s match sucked and Daniel Bryan is being buried. A lot of people have computers. You are not allowed to differentiate yourself and segregate yourself from “Internet fans,” because you are them and they are you, assuming you’re reading these words on a blog on the Internet and somebody didn’t transcribe them onto notebook paper and hand them to you at the responsible adult job factory.

When something happens on the wrestling show that causes extreme opposing opinions, as much as I can hate it, it’s objectively a pretty cool thing. The worst thing a wrestling show can be is boring, which is why I’d watch convoluted garbage like Impact before I’d watch something competently performed but duller than a pile of f*cking bricks like EVOLVE. There is a chance that we can argue our opinions with a high level of detail and enthusiasm (even emotional, irrational enthusiasm) because we are fans of this, and if we were apathetic we probably wouldn’t be watching it at all, because wrestling is terrible.

I need you to understand all of that so I can explain why I hated the opening 20 minutes of Raw so much. Whether you agree or not, I need you to read the words and hopefully piece together a compelling argument for my side, because that’s the entire point of blogging and writing about Raw beyond move-for-move recaps. If you want “I like this” and “I didn’t like this” without anybody getting bent out of shape in either direction, read the boldfaced words and try to figure it out.


If you didn’t watch the show, John Cena opened Raw with a self-serving speech about how he’s a superhuman Wolverine-man who has risen above cancer (I think) and proved everyone wrong, especially JBL, who sounds like the ancient knight guarding the Holy Grail in Last Crusade in Cena’s mind for some reason. He says “the champ is here” a few times but he hasn’t been on Raw so he really gets into it. THE CHAMP. IS. HYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Damien Sandow interrupts, reintroduces the concept of cashing in his chocolate Money in the Bank briefcase, acts like he’s going to leave and then batters Cena with the case. This is all very good, with Sandow just CREAMING Cena’s arm, tossing him into the posts and the ring steps and the barricade and anything else he can find. He attacks it with a chair. Then, after the damage is done, he officially cashes in the briefcase.

Here’s where we run into the problem.

There are two reasonable ways this could play out:

1. Sandow crunches Cena one last time and scores a cheap victory, stealing the World Heavyweight Championship in dastardly fashion and giving Cena something to be irate about for a while besides his own body temporarily failing him.

2. Sandow’s established ineptitude and tendency to fail hard kicks in, Cena preys on his overconfidence and either flash pins him, flash STFs him or flash Attitude Adjusts him in miraculous fashion to retain.

Obviously I’d like one more than the other, but Cena’s the Top Guy and Sandow’s kind of a scrub still, so I would’ve understood. Now, having said that, here’s the major problem: John Cena came back to fight a competitive, back-and-forth match and won clean.

If you don’t understand why that’s a problem, let me break it down for you. At Hell in a Cell, John Cena came back from a legitimate arm injury to face the (kayfabe) top guy on Smackdown, a guy whose wrestling style is exclusively hurt your arm until I can break it. He fought THAT guy with only one “good” arm for 20 minutes. Del Rio did everything he could to Cena’s arm to stop him. Kneed it, dragged it around, snapped it down, put it in an arm-breaker. Cena survived, never really seeming like he was in that much trouble, and won clean with an Attitude Adjustment. I thought that was kinda corny and crappy, but it’s John Cena, and birds gotta fly.

The next night, less than 24 hours removed from having his damaged arm repeatedly damaged further, Cena shows up on Raw and within MINUTES has a guy smashing him in the bad arm with a loaded briefcase. He then gets thrown into posts and steps and barricades, moves that singularly knock out or incapacitate most guys on Raw. After repeated, thorough abuse, Sandow attacks the arm with a chair. It was similar to the Wyatts attack on Kane that put Kane (Kane) out for months. Cena is by all means near death here, and his arm should be hanging off his his torso. Sandow cashes in the briefcase, set to pick the bones of a guy who (based on the last two paragraphs that are nothing but “Cena got hurt”) is blood red in every area of his body.

Cena does an admirable job of selling the arm during the match, but forgets the part where wrestling with only one arm MAKES IT HARDER FOR YOU TO SINGLE-HANDEDLY BEAT AN OPPONENT. A 100%, totally-fresh-with-two-working-arms Damien Sandow, having attacked with SEVERAL WEAPONS and the art of surprise, has an even playing field with a tired, incredibly injured, already-less-than-100% John Cena. This is RIDICULOUS. No matter how much better Cena’s supposed to be than Sandow, having them be totally even after that much damage is unbelievable, and worse, totally unnecessary.

If the end game here for Sandow to lose his Money in the Bank cash-in, why is it necessary to give Cena SO MANY ODDS to overcome? “Coming back from surgery” would’ve been enough odds. Coming back from surgery with a bum arm is HUGE odds. Coming back from surgery with a bum arm after having to wrestle a quarter-hour against Alberto Del Rio is SUPER ODDS. Why add in all that Sandow violence? What did that accomplish? Sandow did everything short of pulling out a meat cleaver and chopping Cena’s f*cking arm off, everything short of pulling out a pistol and shooting him between the eyes, and Cena won clean. With his finisher. That involves him using his arms.

It has nothing to do with whether or not Cena can wrestle, or Cena at all. Cena’s fine. It also has nothing to do with Sandow, or anybody getting “buried,” or anything else you want to assume Internet Fans are thinking. It’s has to do with WWE’s absurd notions of valor and reality, where a guy like Cena has to prove himself as legit post-injury despite having spent the last 10 years consistently overcoming every single imaginable odd on loop with no greater effort than grimacing and holding his arm (or his knee, or his pec) by building an 80-million mile high wall out of baby building blocks he can just knock over and pretend he accomplished something. The two things this match accomplished for me were

1. Confirmation that John Cena is the most stupidly overpowered character in WWE history, capable of just Attitude Adjusting a Hulking Up Hulk Hogan and posing over his dead body, and

2. Confirmation that Damien Sandow is totally, 100% helpless as f*ck and incapable of beating Stansky or Rosenberg without driving over them in a tank first.

If 40%-tops, arm-hanging-off John Cena can cleanly defeat a fresh Money in the Bank winner with his finisher and stand around posing and yelling about it afterward, what hope does ANYBODY ON THE SHOW have of beating him one-on-one, 100% to 100%? Even the matches he loses seem like pity losses. Remember when he lost to Punk? It was followed by months of “Punk is right!” butt-kissing. That loss to Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam? He was taking time off anyway and was trying to make the crowd happy. Again, this is not John Cena The Man or even John Cena The Character, but WWE’s misunderstanding of what makes someone tough and admirable in 2013. It’s why the heels are all smart people with friendships and relationships and the good guys are just shouty, childish buttholes.

But there I go again, down the well of extreme opinion. Sorry about that. The shorter version of this is that I just wish it hadn’t happened, because it’s such a waste, and the consistency I’m begging for is the consistency of character and story, not This One Guy Wins All The Time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to tell this stranger why Triple H sucks.

Best: If I Have To Best Something

Wait, did John Cena just break out a half-nelson neckbreaker?

Worst: The Transition From Worst To Best

I was in a kind of Randy Orton vs. Kane at WrestleMania 28 headspace after the Sandow/Cena match, that emotional stasis where something has just disappointed me all the way down to the pit of my stomach — like when I paid $200 for WrestleMania tickets to see my favorite wrestler defend the World Heavyweight Championship and he got KO’d and pinned in less than 20 seconds — and I can’t really enjoy or focus on whatever’s happening.

It didn’t help that the next match was a Legion Of Doom of things I hate about bad Raws — singles matches being turned into tag matches by lazy authority figures, champions losing non-title matches, heels taking purposeful losses, The Shield cheating when they don’t have to — featuring two guys I only wish good things for: Big E Langston and Dean Ambrose.

The good news is that the tag team match added Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns and the red-hot Usos, so I was able to eventually forgive Raw its trespasses and get back into it. Once Renee showed up with an NXT spider-sense I was good. But yeah, this ended up being the best match on the show … I just wish they’d find a better way to cut the bullshit and get to the Fireworks Factory. If you’re gonna end up with Langston and the Usos against The Shield that’s a great f*cking match, it doesn’t need a bunch of crap prefacing it to make it happen. I’ve never understood why Raw needs scenes where GMs explain why matches are happening. They’re happening because they are wrestlers on a wrestling show. It’s fine. Just give me good wrestling things.

Best: Roman Reigns, Though

Roman Reigns might be the best guy on the show right now. In addition to being a HANDSOME PRINCE who spun hay (the spear) into gold, he’s starting to take selling tips from Seth Rollins. Watch how he sells this DDT, seriously:

If that’s not enough, he ends the match with a DOUBLE SPEAR. DOUBLE SPEAR.

Hell, I might have to cut out the “might be.” Roman Reign is the best guy on the show right now. Here, let me officially update my FAVE FIVE RIGHT THERE

1. Roman Reigns
2. Goldust
3. Daniel Bryan when he isn’t acting like a teen or being pelted with figurative water balloons
4. Luke Harper
5. El Torito

Admittedly it gets a little weird after D-Bry.

Worst: LOL, Shawn Michaels’ Legs

Oh wow, I stand corrected. Shawn’s kick DIDN’T miss by a foot last night. Turns out it connected right on the chin, thanks to his super long monster legs!

Best: I Can’t See Daniel Bryan Beating Up Triple H, But I Can See Him Beating Up Triple H’s Pal

The confrontation between Daniel Bryan and Shawn Michaels was exactly what I wanted to be, remembering that it has to be something following Hell in a Cell 2013 and not a time-traveling WWE All-Stars thing where ROH Champion Bryan Danielson battles 1997 Shawn Michaels.

This is the Michaels I like and can believe … a disingenuous guy who claims virtue and decency but deep down is just that same guy who pretended bananas were dicks and showed his asshole on Raw. The guy who stomped away angrily from the Montreal Screwjob so he’d look like he didn’t have anything to do with it. THAT guy. He starts off acting conflicted and asking Bryan for forgiveness to get off easy, but as soon as he realizes it’s not gonna be that easy he starts getting defensive, then angry. Pretty soon he’s just straight up threatening to kick Bryan’s ass if he doesn’t shake his hand. It’s awesome.

Bryan’s great, too. Instead of OH GOOD FOR YOU SHAWN GOOD REFEREE JOB GOOD FOR YOU we get anger management problems Bryan, the guy who grew a beard because he was too busy RAGING to shave, not because it was a funny gag for shirts. The guy who will take your hand and drag you to the ground and tap you the f*ck out. That’s a guy I have zero problems cheering my heart out for, and every time he acts like this instead of being a lovable Failure Oaf I’m going to hop around like a happy baby and Best the shit out of it.

I know Bryan and Michaels can never have a match (and the next segment was Bryan landing on a “chutes” tile and sliding back down to the middle of the card), but if this is all we get, I’m glad I got to see it. Bryan vs. Michaels would be the best match, I don’t care if it’s 50 year old Michaels vs. nothin’ but kicks Bryan.

Best: That Wyatts/Cool Good Wrestlers Feud We’ve Been Waiting For

This happened before what happened with Kane happened, so I thought the Wyatts attacking Bryan was going to set up that Team Hell No vs. the Wyatt Family thing we all assumed was going down before John Cena’s elbow got bitten by a bee and got big. That’s what I used to rationalize those limp feuds with Kofi Kingston and The Miz. They were just placeholders until Bryan could shuffle back down amongst the Curtis Axels and R-Truths of the world and take on the Wyatts head-on.

THAT obviously isn’t the case, but whatever’s going on involving the Wyatts, Daniel Bryan and CM Punk is a thing I’m extremely interested in. The obvious answer to Bray’s “the Devil made me do it” taunting is Stephanie McMahon, because Stephanie McMahon is The Devil. I really love the idea of Triple H and Stephanie having a board meeting and deciding which people on the roster they should publicly humiliate and which ones they should employ for personal use, mostly because “the bad-ass swat team” and “the hillbilly cultists” were both such obvious choices.

Best: Renee Young’s Farrah Fawcett Hair

Renee Young’s hair deserves its own bio page.

In addition to that, Renee gets a supplemental Best for her aforementioned NXT spider-sense. The Wyatts don’t appear until the flashing light goes DEARRPP, right? Yet somehow Renee was able to glance up and know they were coming. Bryan just stood there looking around en route to getting his ass beaten. Renee got the hell out of there. That’s what you get hanging around down at Full Sail, where Wyatt Family attacks are most common.

This isn’t the only time Renee has been WWE’s backstage Batman. Remember when Curtis Axel was “hiding behind some production equipment” and Renee just blatantly saw him and Ryback and called Paul Heyman out on it? You don’t sneak anything past Renee.

Best: Nobody Likes MizTV, Or
Best: Miz Is A Former WWE Champion JBL You Have To Take Him Seriously Whoops Haha Just Kidding

The Miz is the most Must-See WWE Champion in history, as in “you MUST SEE him get chokeslammed by Kane and pinned in less than a minute as the announcers basically make fun of him to his face because LOOOOOOOL.”

Between JBL announcing confidently that nobody likes MizTV and Michael Cole briefly trying to put him over before being shocked into indifference by his poor performance, it was a banner night for ol’ Mizanin. The only way this gets better is if Christmas Bounty gets its release date pushed back to May 19.

Best: Unmasked Kane, If He’s The Cool Unmasked Kane

So this is pretty interesting.

We were all a little disappointed when Kane returned at Hell in a Cell without a lobotomy and a Hawaiian shirt, but we got the corporate version of that after Kane’s match with the Miz. Kane announces that Stephanie McMahon is the Devil (see? Okay, he didn’t say it directly, but he inferred it) and that he likes folks like that, so he’s throwing in with them. It makes sense for a lot of reasons, including 1) Kane being a demon fire rapist who once strapped a car battery to a guy’s nuts, survived a dumpster fire and tried to drag John Cena into literal Christian Hell, and 2) that Team Hell No breakup scene where Kane told Daniel Bryan that he was going after the WWE Championship. What better way to do that than by palling up with the evil bosses?

This of course seems like a way for Bryan and Kane to square off again with EMOTIONAL GRAVITY, and if it turns out the Wyatts are also working for Stephanie it’ll tie the Kane and Bray Wyatt together tightly. Worst case scenario they all put on black slacks and flack jackets. I’d also pop for Best For Business Kane, where it’s just Glenn Jacobs in street clothes blogging about politics and complaining about his grandchildren.

Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought About Kane’s Heel Turn

Best: Heath Slater With A Goddamn Butterfly Net

Quick poll, how many of you saw 3MB come down to the ring with a giant butterfly net with the intention of catching a small man dressed as a bull and thought, “Brandon’s going to f*cking love this?” I hope all of you raised your hands. If you didn’t, I need to communicate my thoughts more effectively.

As you may remember from the column two weeks ago, WWE only has two lower-card heel tag teams — 3MB and the Real Americans — so if the Real Americans are doing something, Los Matadores have to wrestle 3MB. In the last five weeks they’ve wrestled them five times, but I will forgive them for doing another match because this one involves OVERSIZED COMEDY PROPS. What was Slater gonna do when he caught El Torito in the net? Slaughter him? Roast him? Pin him to a cork board and display him? Also, who thinks you catch bulls with nets? Next week is Jinder Mahal gonna stomp out with a lasso and be all, “JESUS WHY DIDN’T WE REMEMBER HOW COWBOYS WORK?”

I would also accept a Zelda-like scenario where El Torito charges Slater and he just grabs him by the horns and manhandles him to the ground. Or, you know, just f*cking dropkicks him in the face because he’s a 4-foot tall man in a Halloween costume and they are three fully-sized grown adults.

Best: I’m Getting Some Hopeful Vibes From This “AJ Lee Beats Everyone Easily” Thing

It looks like neither the “AJ gets beaten up by the cast of Total Divas because she’s just jealous” and “Brie and Nikki Bella get mad at each other” stories are happening, and those were honestly my only two realistic ideas for how things were gonna go. What else do they ever do with Divas?

The good news here (besides there being two Divas matches on one show) is that AJ continues to be the BIG BOSS of the Divas division, letting Tamina do her bad, sloppy lifting and then just showing up at the end to Black Widow her opponent to death. She’s done it to everybody we know, and assuming Jojo isn’t harboring some secret Tsubasa Kuragaki-esque understanding of wrestling that leaves only one option: one of the many legitimately talented and awesome Divas from NXT showing up and challenging AJ.

There are so many solid options right now I don’t even care who gets the call-up. Paige seems like the obvious choice, but it could be Emma or Bayley or even Charlotte, in case nepotism is more important than a year of hard work. Sasha Banks kinda kicks ass in the ring too, and although she possesses a sub-Birdemic acting ability she could have great matches and at least be an Aksana. It’s not like Alicia Fox is brimming with personality outside of wearing pelts and wishing us Foxy Holidays.

But yeah, I’m hopeful that this goes somewhere fun. If not, here’s to six more weeks of AJ stretching ladies.

Oh, Wait: I Forgot Kaitlyn

They wouldn’t do AJ vs. Kaitlyn again, would they?

Would they?

Worst: Tamina Is The Curtis Axel Of Ladies



Any animosity I had toward Raw after the Cena/Sandow bit, as ass-backwards as it still seems to me, was immediately forgotten when DAVID BY GOD OTUNGA popped up on screen. It turns out that The Big Show remembered one of his co-workers was a lawyer, so he went to him and figured out a way to sue the McMahon-Helmsley Authority for millions. This is great based on the simple fact that somebody remembered David Otunga, not to mention David Otunga’s one legitimately marketable skill, but it’s even better if it leads where I want it to lead.

In theory, Show wants to oust Triple H and Stephanie from power, right? He wants to reestablish order in the WWE, specifically the kind of order that benefitted him the most. Who gave Show that “ironclad contract” he so richly deserved? The Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations And General Manager Of Both Raw And Smackdown Mr. John Laurinaitis. Who was John Laurinaitis’ lawyer and familiar? David Otunga. THIS IS ALL COMING TOGETHER.

Best: The Curtis Axel Art Project

Last week I asked you to put together a collage about what Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel means to you. These were the submissions:







Thanks for your submissions, everyone. If I missed you, let me know in the comments below and I’ll make sure you’re included.

This week’s Art Project is simple: Curtis Axel suffered an injury that kept him from performing on Raw and at Hell in a Cell, so I want you to make Mr. Axel a Get Well Soon card. If you haven’t been paying attention, Axel knows about and appreciates the Art Project. Let’s put together a nice care package for him.

Worst: Welp, Ryback’s A Turd Now I Guess

Ryback followed up his Hell in a Cell handicap match loss to CM Punk by losing to him in a street fight in roughly five minutes (by SUBMISSION!), so if The Big Guy hadn’t lost all his intimidation points tapping out to a Miz dropkick, he lost the rest of them here. My only guess is that with Paul Heyman “gone” and Curtis Axel injured they need to quietly shuffle The Ryback offscreen for a refresher, which could be a return to form in the Royal Rumble or, assuming the planets align properly, a Nexus reunion with the similarly-vanished Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel and let’s say Ezekiel Jackson. He was in the Corre, but whatever.

Of course, they could just be turning Ryback INTO Wade Barrett, and next week he’ll lose to Punk in four minutes, follow that up with a Smackdown loss to Punk in about three and then a string of six consecutive two-minute losses to Punk on Raws to finish out the year. You never know. I think he’s got a lot to offer as a ridiculous human specimen and don’t think he should be losing to Skinny Pete in five minutes in the middle of a Raw, but I’m just a fat, miserable fan on the Internet, so what do I know?

Best: The Wyatts Vs. People Who Are Worth Wrestling

The OH SHIT ARE THEY DOING SOMETHING WITH THE WYATTS bonanza continued after the Punk/Ryback match with the Wyatts jumping Punk and repeating their “the Devil made me do it” mantra, setting up (at the very worst) a Wyatt Family versus Punk and Bryan beef that makes me yell YES PLEASE so loud I destroyed one of the walls in my house.

If we’re allowed to pipe dream for a moment, maybe they’re not working for Triple H and Stephanie … maybe they’re working for VINCE, the OG Devil, and following up on his “I hate indie guys” thing from the early days of both the Punk/Vince and Bryan/Triple H feuds. Maybe next week the Wyatts will jump Antonio Cesaro and Dean Ambrose. And then maybe Kassius Ohno will show up on Raw and start throwing windmill kicks and an entire Amazon rainforest of monkeys will fly right out of my butt.

Still though, it’s a fun thing to imagine.

Best: The Primetime Players As The Homeboy Shopping Network

This is so much better than R-Truth. My only regret is that Bob Backlund didn’t show up and try to buy a John Cena hat off of them for a nickel.

Best/Worst: The Tag Champs Lost A Non-Title Match, But At Least The Match Was Good (And At Least They Lost To Someone I Want To See Them Wrestle Again)

I’m not declaring this the end of the infallible 2013 Goldust run, but I will suggest that WWE suddenly realized Cody and Goldust had title belts and therefore should be losing matches.

I’m situationally okay with champions losing non-title matches if they don’t ALWAYS lose non-title matches, and if they’re losing to somebody who’ll be a great match for them down the road. That’s what happened with Cody and Goldust here. They lose (clean!) to a Jack Swagger chop block and Patriot Lock, leaving enough to the imagination that a Survivor Series title match involving the teams will be spectacular. it eliminates the prospect of a dream Daniel Bryan/CM Punk/Big Show/Cody Rhodes/Goldust Survivor Series team (against Triple H, Randy Orton and The Shield!), but Survivor Series hasn’t been cool since The Simpsons was cool so it’s best to not get our hopes up.

Worst: The Assassination Of Summer Rae By The Coward Natalya

If you went into this match blind, you’d think Summer Rae was the veteran. She did her best to engage the crowd, involve the people on the outside (Fandango cheering for her was pretty outstanding, gotta say) and work that poor chinlock while Natalya tried to rally support that never came. Natalya, good old “great if they’d use her, supposedly” Natalya, pretty much shit the bed like she does in every opportunity to shine on television.

Sure, I’m biased, but if I’m working within my bias it was pretty hilarious to see Natalya need the distraction of TWO GUYS on the outside to get in a cheap takedown on Summer, and she’s lucky she figured out how to do the Sharpshooter after only 10 seconds or so of standing there moving legs around to get the win. That lowers Summer’s Big Leagues WWE record to 2-1, but she’s still over .500 so f*ck you, Emma.

Best: Hornswoggle

As we approach Halloween, I just wanted to type out-loud that I appreciate Hornswoggle gaining a bunch of weight, shaving his beard into a crappy Van Dkye, dying his hair black and slicking it back with pomade because it means he has taken a series of steps to look less exactly like me. It was getting kinda dangerous there for a while.

Worst: The Way Randy Orton Says Title

“Tie-tall.” You know he said it weird on Monday morning and spent all day saying TITLE, TITLE, TITLE over and over to himself. And yet NOPE, he gets on TV and says tie-tall.

Best: Big Show Rules

He does. I’m a little sad that Show gets to be the big triumphant hero instead of Bryan, but the more you think about it, Bryan’s the only guy on the show NOT being a hero right now.

Think about it. Show gets to knock out the boss on Raw face-to-face, gets to drive a truck into the arena, gets to storm the ring and knock out the WWE Championship. Triple H is terrified to get into the ring with him. Cody Rhodes and Goldust fought the system and WON. They got their jobs back and defeated Triple H’s top henchmen to win the tag team championships. CM Punk was betrayed by Paul Heyman and somehow overcame all of his traps and manipulations and ended up beating Heyman to death with a stick on top of Hell in a Cell. Bryan keeps getting screwed, keeps getting upset about being screwed and just keeps digging himself into a hole. Bryan’s story assumedly ends with him winning the Rumble and triumphing somehow at Mania, but as of right now all I see is Big Show ending the show standing tall over Randy Orton while the crowd chants “yes.” Bryan’s at a local medical facility.

That said, Big Show is the best, and I could watch him truck The Shield, knock out Randy Orton with grazing blows and shout legal threats at Triple H all day long. This is the run the poor guy’s deserved for a while, and I’m just gonna type it again in case my Firestarter powers are real … there is no better end to this story than John Laurinaitis hitting an Ace Crusher on Triple H and taking his job title back.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night


Oh God there’s another Randy Orton Championship Celebration tonight. Here’s a preview of the transcript:

“Last night, Sunday, October the 27th, 2013, I, Randy Orton, stepped into Hell in a Cell at the American Airlines Arena in Downtown Miami, Florida, home of The Rock and LeBron James, and the door was closed behind me and locked with a chain and a master lock. When the bell rang, I proceeded to throw every headlock I know at Daniel Bryan, the goat-faced troll with the huge beard who says “YES!” all the time except for the times he says “NO!” and is getting married to Brie Bella who came up short against AJ Lee for the Divas title last night at Hell in a Cell at the American Airlines Arena in Downtown Miami, Florida, home of Dan Marino and Stephen Ross.”

Harry Longabaugh

Next they’re going to book Cena to go over Parker Lewis.


Ambrose is like Jim Gordon showing up to put a coat around my shoulders.

Dolph Ziggler World Champion

Man, now I know what it’s like to be Nikki Bella. Because John just f*cked me.


Jack Swagger is backstage teaching Sandow about the parts of Mars with the most reasonable climates


That’s disrespectful JBL? Did you forget when Shawn Michaels was your slave?

Fancy Catsup gets two this week, because I had to include them both.

The D-Bry story we were expecting – David & Goliath.
The D-Bry story we received – Job.

Hey, Batman.

Joker’s on the loose. So’s the Riddler. Penguin. Mister Freeze. Scarecrow. Ra’s Al Ghul. Killer Croc.

You can stop pummeling the crap out of Calendarman any time now.

Large) Jim

Now that Kane has taken the mask off and joined the Authority he should object to being called Big Red Machine. Henceforth he’s the Big Libertarian Machine.

Fiscally conservative.
Liberally destructive.


Ok, so we broke out our Jump to Conclusion Mat on DBry. They are just Main Eventing Bray.

…and if they don’t, we Wyatt.

Thanks everybody. See you next week, when the first 20 minutes will be … better. Gonna type “better.”