Casting The Perfect Pro Wrestler To Star In Every Crime Drama

If there are two things I not-so-secretly and definitely not-as-ironically-as-I-pretend-to love, it’s pro wrestling and police procedurals. The first should be obvious given the site you’re on, but the second comes from a life long love of mystery television and Jerry Orbach. If it could fit without looking aesthetically awful, I would probably have POLICE PROCEDURALS tattooed in a heart somewhere on my body. 2017 has already seen two incidents of these very big parts of my world colliding.

First, David Otunga made an appearance as a gruff, jacked-up bouncer on Criminal Minds. Then. indie darling Colt Cabana landed a guest spot on Chicago PD as an affable homophobe, happy to hear that gay teen burned to death in his neighbourhood because he kissed another boy where he could see him once. Uh … spoiler.

While it’s a bit strange to have one fandom invade another, it opens the door for me to propose even more wrestler guest spots on cop shows. Now, I could take the easy road and cast the wrestling cops we know and love, but that seems too easy. Instead, after more thought than I’d care to admit, I’ve chosen a variety of pro wrestlers and dream cast them on the shows they’d be the best fit for. You’re all welcome to do the same in the comments, however please know ahead of time that my logic is infallible and I am right about these things always.

Veda Scott: NCIS

Independent Wrestler and former manager trapped in the female wasteland that is Ring of Honor, Veda Scott has the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent to pull off a recurring role on the show most arguably geared towards people at least twice my age. I don’t say that as an insult, I actually love NCIS the most out of … well, most things. Aside from its occasionally uncomfortable amount of patriotism, NCIS has a history of incredibly diverse, intelligent, and confident female characters. Even if she can’t replace Torres (he’s the worst!), there are more than enough law enforcement agencies this real-life law graduate could represent. Also, Veda’s mom watches NCIS and it would make her happy.

Rockstar Spud: NCIS: New Orleans

You know how Blindspot is primarily just boring white people making strained, angry faces at each other while all of the POC characters stare resignedly into middle distance? Then Ennis Esmer shows up and is funny and great and you realise just how truly boring and terrible everyone else is? That’s Rockstar Spud. He already gets that in his real job, so why not immerse him in a show where almost everyone gets to be sassy and — perish the thought — occasionally happy?

As an SIS agent he could feasibly enlist the help of NCIS to investigate the death of an undercover operative involved in a weapons smuggling operation coming through the Port of New Orleans. Though he’s a dedicated professional, Sonja would of course be his short, sassy platonic soulmate and the perfect person to draw out his sense of humour. The idea of Spud interacting with CCH Pounder is a thing I didn’t know I needed in my life, but welp, here we are. As an added bonus, he can crossover to NCIS: Los Angeles and get a full Top Gun-style beach volleyball montage, because we all deserve nice things.

Lana & Rusev: Blindspot

Speaking of Blindspot, first of all, WOOF. While I acknowledge that the glorious real-life couple that is Lana and Rusev are probably much to good for the show, I can also very easily picture Lana as the matriarch of a Russian crime family, and Rusev as her right hand man. While the Sandstorm plotline ticks away at a glacial pace, the team could solve another tattoo that leads them to the Russian mob looking to orchestrate a series of assassinations during a United Nations gala event. And just maybe that tattoo is of a fish being thrown at a beautiful woman. Who knows.

Ethan Carter III: Chicago Fire

Were I a showrunner, I would try to cast EC3 in as many things as possible. The more I thought about the various cop shows at my disposal, however, the more I realised that he fits into the world of Chicago Fire much better than he would PD. He was pretty much made to dramatically pose in front of a firetruck in a tight t-shirt and suspenders, y’know?

Plus, this would let him cross over to three other shows in the Chicago universe, and technically Law & Order: SVU, because that’s a real thing they keep doing even though the venn diagram of shared cast members is confusing and, at times, completely impossible. He has the range to play a serious role, because we all know the Chicago universe loves its dramatically scored serious business storylines. He can also bring out his lighter, funnier side, making a great foil for, say, problematic TV crush Herrman. And unlike Casey and Severide, spending several episodes diving into his personal issues wouldn’t make me want to die.

Enzo and Cass: Law & Order: SVU

There are two very important tropes that every Law & Order episode needs to fill. First, the opening scene, where one or more oblivious New Yorkers stumble across a crime scene, thus setting up the narrative for that episode’s mystery . The second (and my personal favourite) is the busy person who holds a key piece of information trying to do their job, and who are incredibly put out to be interviewed at work by two detectives. Enzo and Cass are perfect for the first.

Imagine, if you will, two heavily-accented sanitation workers arguing about who the greatest Knick of all time is as they go about their job tossing piles of garbage bags into the back of a garbage truck on a chilly morning in Alphabet City. The tall one is dead set that Melo is on track to be the GOAT, but the smaller one thinks no one will ever be able to touch the legacy of Patrick Ewing.

Suddenly, the smaller man freezes, a look of horror passing over his face. He tells the taller one — still rambling about shooting percentages — to shut up. The taller man protests as he walks over to stand beside the shorter man before stopping short mid-sentence. The smaller one tells him to call the cops as the camera slowly pans down to the body of a young woman who had been buried beneath the trash. Those two men: Enzo and Cass.

Note: As a bonus, Carmella can reprise her original role as a Staten Island hairdresser, annoyed that Rollins and Tutuola are questioning her while she’s trying to sew in someone’s extensions.

David Otunga: Bull

This seems like favouritism given that Otunga was JUST on Criminal Minds, but he played a bouncer at a strip club and that … doesn’t seem like ideal casting. Sure he’s in crazy good shape, but he’s already proven in WWE that his strengths lie within his role outside the ring. He’s also a legit lawyer, so why not put him in a role that would let him shine?

Admittedly, Bull is a really, really bad show (think Lie to Me but even less believable), and not even my (oh my god I’m so old) 14-year crush on Michael Weatherly can get me through an entire episode. Plus his hair is weird and they keep putting him in cardigans and it’s all very off-putting, but I digress. With Benny (probably) about to be under investigation and presumably out of commission, TAC would need to call in another lawyer; someone smart, charismatic, and with a personal style that even Chunk would be impressed by. Best of all, he would get to keep his trademark travel mug with him. I would watch the heck out of that episode. Just no cardigans, please.

The Miz: Criminal Minds

Hey, while we’re talking about Criminal Minds, why not toss them another wrestler? We can all agree that Miz has been at the top of his promo game lately, alternating between passionate anger and smug superiority. You know who else does that? Criminal Minds serial killers. An aggressive but charming, well-tailored stock broker by day, a deranged psychopath by night. Think Ted Bundy except, y’know … it’s The Miz. What a weird sentence I just put out into the world, huh.

Alexa Bliss: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I could write an elaborate justification for this casting, OR you could take a second and imagine a bratty Alexa making her very best blissed-off face at Andre Braugher. Yeah. YEAH. You’re welcome.

The Cast of Lucha Underground: Major Crimes

With rare exception, I tend to get bored when these shows deviate from mystery solving and focus on the personal lives of characters. Nobody cares about your goddamn son Olivia Benson, stop making that face and solve some sex crimes already. Major Crimes happens to be one of those exceptions, partly due to my love of its cancelled predecessor The Closer, but mostly because Raymond Cruz is wonderful and highly underrated. This one was actually more difficult to insert a wrestler into, because the dynamic between characters is so well established and so familiar to me. But lo, inspiration struck as I was lovingly gazing at a graphic for Fenix’s upcoming appearance at Fight Club Pro.

The Major Crimes Division has gotten themselves into some pretty wacky situations in the past, and the fantastic world of Lucha Underground would set the perfect backdrop for a murder mystery. I do have to point out that this could end up being a Lucha Underground-type show, just because the existing kayfabe universe seems like a thing that should remain untouched by the (fictional) real world.

The Grave Consequences match has made its return to the Temple, but this time there’s no getting up for the loser. After Dario discovers that the body Mil Muertes put into the coffin is really dead, Major Crimes is called in to investigate the high-profile case. Luchadores would get to keep their masks on while being interviewed in Spanish by Julio, Joey Ryan would brag about his insight as a TV cop to hit on Sykes, Provenza would get to make grumpy old man faces at Drago but also literally everything, and Dario would get to stay the skeezy slimeball cokehead we all know and love. Buzz would get all flustered around Sexy Star, and Ivelisse would play the gruff lead suspect professing her innocence despite the mounting evidence against her. But oops, it was Angelico all along!

Rusty is nowhere to be seen because f*ck Rusty.