With the Game of Thrones season seven finale on deck for this Sunday, now is the time for some crossover content worthy of the pro wrestling world. We here at With Spandex have recruited the extremely impressive abilities of the leading Fire Pro Wrestling community character creator Locustar to bring the best fighters in Westeros together to work an 8-man landmine deathmatch tournament.
Here’s the tournament lineup. The Cleganebowl is possible, but we added some key rematches to the first round just so we can get those out of the way. We deliver the fights people want to see here.
First up is a fight we won’t see for at least a year on HBO, and maybe not ever in the books considering the Night King isn’t really a thing in George R. R. Martin’s epic fantasy series — Jon Snow vs. The Night King.
It was a bloodbath from the start, but in the end the Night King methodically broke down Jon Snow to get the pin and move on.
Oh, and George R. R. Martin is our guest referee tonight, tiny hat and all.
Next up will be between two massive powerhouses. One perpetually shirtless, the other under many layers of clothing. Both love beasts in more ways than one, and both know how to kill. It’s Tormund Giantsbane vs. Khal Drogo. Once again, both men decided to give the audience what they wanted and took some gruesome bumps face-first into the lightbulbs set up into the corner. Drogo had his shirt off, while Tormund was being a real Terry Funk about it.
Drogo, covered in blood, ultimately was able to overcome Tormund’s dirty jokes and got the win after a massive chokeslam onto a barbed wire baseball bat.
The penultimate fight of the opening round is an extremely important rematch between The Hound and Arya Stark. The size difference was obvious, and Arya got far too caught up in exchanging strikes with the massive warrior in front of her, but her speed and quickness kept her in the fight. Arya worked takedowns and joint locks as The Hound would throw her around the ring.
The match went for over 35 minutes with neither competitor wanting to do the job. It turned into a shoot match with the ref, GRRM, not really knowing what to do. Both of his characters were covered in blood, refusing to lose. In the end, The Hound FINALLY got the pin, but Arya still got some fans with her gutsy performance. She went face-first into the exploding barbed wire land mines like it was nothing.
The final fight in the opening round was a head-exploding rematch between Oberyn Martell and The Mountain. As expected, things went dirty right away with The Mountain slamming Martell, then attempting to crush his face AGAIN. Oberyn got up, hip tossed The Mountain, then started crushing HIS FACE. The match devolved into two men simply trying to squash each other’s heads. Look at GRRM, concerned.
Somehow, even after getting his face smashed multiple times, Oberyn BREAKS THE ARM of the mountain to move on in the tournament. Next up is Khal Drogo vs. The Night King, who would get slammed all over the place.
As expected, Night King takes a few HUGE bumps then Drogo shoot knocks him out to move on in the tournament. GRRM ref is beside himself.
With very little rest, Oberyn makes his way out to take on The Hound, who himself just went 36 tough minutes against Arya Stark. Both men are tired, but want to take on Drogo in the finals, so they go hard immediately. The Hound is shockingly fresh despite his war with Arya, and Oberyn seems hurt. Both men take bumps into the landmines, but 15 minutes in are mostly just bleeding and gasping for air. Drogo might have an easy time with his quick victory over the Night King. Then, out of nowhere, Oberyn pulls off a flying armbar and TAPS THE HOUND with the same move he beat his brother with. Bah gawd.
The finals came down to two dead men vying for greatest Westerosian warrior — Oberyn Martell vs Khal Drogo.
Drogo immediattely started working Oberyn’s head, as that’s his weakest area.
At one point, George R. R. Martin gets caught in-between the men and takes a nasty bump, which prevents him from counting the pinfall of gravely hurt Oberyn.
Oberyn keeps working Drogo’s arm, looking for that armbar win that has served him well, but Drogo is too fresh, too strong. Drogo lifts Oberyn over his head and then THROWS HIM OVER THE TOP ROP INTO THE EXPLOSIVES!
After 30 minutes of back and forth, Drogo grabbed Martell, then squeezed him in a brutal bear hug, cracking his back in an unsatisfying way which led to the tap.