Hulk Hogan’s Lawyers Are Saying His Racist Rant Could’ve Been From ‘An Impersonator,’ Or ‘Who Knows What’

Yes, this is real. Just wanted to knock that out before we got started.

Three weeks ago, a Florida court ruled that Hulk Hogan would be allowed to rummage through Gawker’s e-mails and communications in the search for evidence proving they leaked to The National Enquirer the racist rant that got Hogan fired and scrubbed from WWE. Recapping the entire story would take hundreds of links, but here’s what you need to know: Hulk Hogan has a sex tape, Gawker posted clips of it, Hogan took them to court and now everything’s awful and on fire.

In an effort to block the ruling while they prepare an appeal, Gawker is trying to file a stay of proceedings, and they’ve come out with GUNS A’BLAZING. Their points include: a timeline of what’s contained in the Hogan sex tape has been circulating since March 2012 and many of the involved parties were aware of the offensive content (beyond the sex itself, I guess), so they didn’t have a role in creating any kind of false narrative; they never had a full version of the tape’s audio to leak, as the version they received had been heavily edited by the FBI; and that Gawker never had proof of the racism at all, because Hogan “successfully thwarted Gawker’s efforts to obtain that proof or take any discovery about the contents of the timeline and transcripts.” You can read a full breakdown of the argument over at SEScoops.

What I specifically want to draw your attention to is the response from Hogan’s lawyers, which is so amazing it made fireworks shoot out of my computer and explode in my house. They’re saying that the offensive language from the tape could be, I swear to God:

“an extortionist manipulating the audio through an impersonator, or who knows what, and adding things.”

I want to help, so these are my suggestions for follow-up arguments:

1. It was comedian Will Sasso, who once impersonated Hogan while hosting WWE Raw as Curly from The Three Stooges movie. Two theories here: One, he wanted to get revenge for the Hogan impression getting him chokeslammed by The Demon Kane. Two, he was already instrumental in professionally taking down Roddy Piper, and Hogan’s next on his list.

2. It was Sting, dressed as Hogan, getting payback for that time the nWo tricked WCW with a fake Sting.

3. It was Dave Sullivan:

He always said he wanted to be a Hulkamaniac. Come to think of it, it also could’ve been Curtis Axel. Or Charlie Haas. Or Shawn Michaels. Or Big Show. Actually, this might be a solid argument.

Could The Ultimate Warrior have appeared in Heather Clem’s mirror and said a bunch of racist stuff? That sounds like him. Is this all a Dungeon of Doom plot? Did The Master unearth a giant racist on the north face of Mount Kilimanjaro? Make sure Gawker never delivers Hogan’s head in a box.