Here Are The Five Most Awkward And Delusional Things From Hulk Hogan’s Latest Apology

The Hulk Hogan ‘Not A Racist, I Swear’ World Tour ’15 is chugging right along. After apologizing on Good Morning America by shifting the blame to his upbringing in Florida (and subsequently angering an entire neighbourhood who called him out for his inaccurate description), Hogan spoke to Sports Illustrated to further clear the air.

If you’re wondering if his PR people are still doing a bang-up job on coaching him through this stuff, they are super not. Let’s pick out a few gems, shall we?

1. No, it’s fine, see? These specific black people and WWE boss you guys like still love me!

“There are so many people who stood up for me, and you can go down the list from George [Foreman] to Dennis [Rodman] to [Mike] Tyson,” said Hogan. “Triple H even told me how bad he felt about it and he knew that’s not who I was. They know who I am.”

“I never talked to Vince,” said Hogan. “The only person I talked to was Triple H. I called him and told him there was some old news coming out from when TMZ first reported the tape and there were some racial slurs on it. Triple H said, ‘OK, thanks for calling. Let me talk to Vince.’

“He called me back a half hour later and he goes, ‘I’ve got some news and it isn’t good. Vince said that you need to resign.’ I never heard from Vince or talked to Vince. In the middle of the night, they just fired me.”

2. I do so much for people! All these kids would tell you I’m great, but they’re dead.

Initially, during the early part of his run in the 80’s, Hogan was content living fast, but that changed forever after realizing his impact on children battling for their lives. Many of those children are no longer present to speak up for their hero.

“My whole life has been spent trying to help people,” said Hogan. “Even though wrestling was the vehicle, I’ve always tried to reach out and help people and be involved with charities, with everything from Pediatric AIDS to the Make-A-Wish Foundation to the Starlight Foundation. So it hurts if people have a different image of me. What happened to me was just like taking one photograph, one still photo, instead of looking at entire body of work. I just feel horrible that people think that’s the image of me when that’s not who I am.”

3. Bret Hart is on my side! Just ignore the rest of what he said, and listen to this one thing that’s not actually very nice.

“Bret Hart, who became a top guy in WWE after I left, he’s been really mad at me for the past 10 years,” explained Hogan. “Even he said, ‘I’ve never known Hulk to be a racist, but I’m glad it happened to him.’ I felt bad about that [second part], but even Bret stuck up for me. It’s not me, it’s not who I am.”

4. WWE handled this all wrong. Why on earth would they think getting caught repeatedly using racial slurs makes me a racist? Why wouldn’t they try to help me instead of understanding that a guy who says racist things was just actually just mad at stuff? A lot? Like, a lot alot?

“That’s not characteristic of what the WWE does,” said Hogan. “Vince McMahon reaches out and helps people. If you’re a drug abuser or you abuse alcohol, Vince McMahon and the WWE reach out and help people. So what’s so uncommon about this was they took the symptoms, said, ‘Oh my god, there’s a symptom of being a racist,’ and threw me away. They usually go to the source. They’ve known me for over 30 years and they know I’m not a racist, so they should have went to the source. I don’t use the word, ever, except for in that moment of anger, so I wish WWE went to the source instead of the symptoms. I could have explained I’ve tried every day since then to be a better man.”

5. Listen. I understand now that it’s wrong, and I love WWE and want to go ‘home’ to them more than anything, but they’ve also done some sh*t.

“I’m having the chance to now say, ‘If you hear it in a movie and you inherited it growing up as a kid, you shouldn’t use it,’” said Hogan. “It’s so hurtful on so many levels. I shouldn’t use it, the WWE shouldn’t use it in their programming when they’re doing skits. It shouldn’t be used at all.”

At this point, most people are firmly on the side of not thinking that your first acceptable choice in angry cusses is the n-word, leaving WWE pretty justified in their response. Hogan’s only now caught on to the idea that education and recognizing your mistakes and trying to grow from them is a great thing to do, but it’s so deeply buried in these delusional statements that are so bonkers you stop cringing and almost start embracing the lunacy of this sad old man.

It’s like Ariel swimming through her cavern of thingamabobs and whozits and whatzits – how many wonders can one interview hold? Maybe that’s the tack he should take. Just burst into song halfway through, singing himself out of every interview:

“Out of WWE, wish I could be, part of that wooooooorld.”

And with that, we’ve pinpointed exactly why I don’t work in public relations.

(Via Sports Illustrated)