Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. Who loves ya, baby? Me, the person who gets down to the nitty and the especially gritty of Impact Wrestling every week just for you.
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact Wrestling on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world. That shouldn’t be too difficult, should it?
Previously: We suffered through a Tyrus match, only for him to leave the company days later. Again. Now I understand seeing value in yourself, but there’s a reason no Impact regime is making him a main event player …
EH: Excuse Me Mr.
Yikes, this is … Well, it’s not good. The fact that this week’s show starts off with WrestleCon footage we already saw last week — just slightly repurposed, with a couple of added El Patron zingers — is essentially an omen for this episode. It should come as no surprise to any of you, but write I tend to write a lot of notes for this show. I did not for this week’s episode. In fact, the WrestleCon Impact Wrestling vs. Lucha Underground show saw much more note-taking from me, to a point where there probably should have been a lot more of this week’s Impact episode just airing full matches from it instead of the “huh’s” and “why’s” that we do get.
But you know what? While a lot of people want to blame the Alberto El Patron fiasco for Impact Wrestling needing to fill time, I’m not going to do that. Because El Patron or not, this is still a show with:
- Matches happening for no completely explained reason (like Su Yung & Braxton Sutter vs. Kiera Hogan … & Fallah Bahh)
- Repetitive segments
- Certain wrestlers and stories getting no vignettes (DJ Z and Dezmond Xavier are just back on Sunday, with no pomp or circumstance) and video packages (while there are literally two segments dedicated to explaining Jimmy Jacobs/Kongo Kong … only for commentary to still not get Jimmy Jacobs/Kongo Kong vs. Johnny Impact)
- An extremely long GWN Flashback that literally has nothing to do with anyone still in this company (filling for time is one thing, but could they not find something from the vault with someone going to Redemption?)
But seriously, there is absolutely no reason why Impact Wrestling should be bereft of promos, video packages, vignettes, all of this supplemental stuff on a large scale. Not just enough for a weekly show but enough to fill for time when another talent inevitably “screws” this company (whether it’s leaving or getting in trouble or injured or any of the hundreds of possibilities), which is going to happen as long as they keep up with this ridiculous taping schedule of months and months of episodes at a time.
I always mention this, but you know how Josh Mathews does the Around The Ring stuff on YouTube? No one needs that. That is useless to the weekly show. That is not integral to the weekly product, even though it could be. (The Spin Cycle—in its prime—was technically just a goofing off situation, but it also aired on Xplosion and made that appointment wrestling TV.) You can say that this go-home show is good about hyping and selling the pay-per-view, but the lack of vision outside of that is apparent. It’s still not even a good go-home show, because it’s not even a good show.
DJ Z returned to Impact Wrestling for the first time in over a year at WrestleCon. We learned that in part of last week’s WrestleCon video packages. He’s officially returning to an Impact Wrestling ring at the Impact Zone on Sunday, for Redemption … and we learn that in commentary during a squash match. No “DJ Z returns” vignette. No reason to be hyped for his actual return. (Oh, he’s in the Redemption cold open they show at the end of the show. So are Taya and Kiera Hogan, despite no previous announcement they’ll even have a match. Great job.)
The same for Dezmond Xavier, who was also at WrestleCon and had been gone for a tour in NOAH (not injury, like DJ Z). Why should anyone care about any of these people, especially when it’s just halfheartedly announced that they’re in a multi-man X-Division match … with BRIAN CAGE, who’s actually getting a push.
People give WWE crap for no one feeling special or like a true SUPERSTAR, but holy crap: Impact Wrestling does the absolute least at this point, and we’re supposed to praise them for just not actively failing. I wrote in my Impact Wrestling vs. Lucha Underground recap that I’m very familiar with Pentagon and Fenix, and to any Impact Wrestling fan who’s not, you’re in for a treat.
But the thing is, it’s also very much my job to be familiar with them; just like it is Impact Wrestling’s job to actually show the audience how they’re in for a treat. Like I said, there is only repurposed WrestleCon footage. There is no quick and dirty video to show who Pentagon and Fenix are … despite the fact that the original plan was going to be for them to have a singles match against each other anyway. So this footage should have existed even before they got thrust into the main event. But it doesn’t.
I know the argument is that hardcore wrestling fans will know who they are, but the thing is: Impact Wrestling is constantly hunting for the almighty casual. The one who doesn’t know Impact Wrestling and will get interested. The one who will flip the channels, see something they like and be able to catch up relatively easily. This show is not made with that in mind though. It’s not exactly clear what’s in mind, other than, “This time will be different. We swear.”
Phew. Let’s get into the show, shall we?
EH: Annoying Is As Annoying Does
Dutt: “That Braxton is annoying, Josh. I’ll tell you that.”
Mathews: “You’re not kidding.”
Oh, and just pick a lane and stick with it. Are we supposed to find Josh Mathews as a goof and the most obnoxious person on the roster, or is he someone we’re supposed to relate to and take as an expert? This isn’t a matter of a character having layers — it’s one of Impact Wrestling blatantly ignoring the fact that presentation matters on all fronts.
ACE/EH: Intergender Match Challenge
The only reason I can think for the Kiera Hogan/Fallah Bahh pairing — and wow, wouldn’t that have made a great little feature to have at least seen a clip setting that team up on the website or YouTube — is that the “BAHH” taunt is literally just patting your weave. In that case, Kiera Hogan’s doing this for the culture. In any other case, this is an EH, because there is no rhyme nor reason for the Bahh of it all.
As for the rest of it, we at least have a reason for this match on those fronts. The audience is tasked with remembering (because it’s not like commentary or the show itself addresses it) that Kiera Hogan is not a fan of Braxton Sutter. She’s friends with Allie, and the last time she saw Sutter, he was so pleased with himself for remembering who the black girl on the roster is.
(Another EH is not announcing that this is an intergender tag match — not mixed — until Hogan interacts with Sutter, even though that’s typically information you start a match off with.) Braxton Sutter has hitched his wagon to Su Yung, Su Yung would of course go after anyone in Allie’s orbit, and … Fallah Bahh is also a person.
The match itself really isn’t anything to write home or Uproxx about — Bahh gets put over in a much better way later this episode — but there is ACE merit in the fact that it’s entirely about highlighting the women and the Knockouts division. Just the simple fact that the deciding factor of the match comes down to Su Yung and Kiera Hogan matters, even if a win is technically a win no matter which teammate gets it.
ACE: Let Them Fight
Based on the post-match shenanigans: Y’all, Allie’s a badass. Seriously, that’s really all I needed to say here. Well, that and “LET THEM FIGHT.”
ACE: Konnan & The Real Boys
Even though it’s essentially a retread of last week’s Konnan part of the promo, the best part of this segment — other than Santana trying to run off with LAX’s briefcase full of money — is Santana and Ortiz admitting just how scared they are of Scott Steiner. After they spent all of last week’s promo acting so hard in front of Eli Drake, Scott Steiner, and the Impact Zone. It’s a human beat, something that makes LAX relatable babyfaces, even if they have no problem using ILLEGAL TACTICS like their opponents.
EH: Their First, (Hopefully) Their Last, Their … Something
I mean, I suppose it’s pretty funny they keep saying “first time ever” regarding Kongo Kong versus Johnny Impact. It is 100% true, but at the same time, it’s nowhere near as exciting as that repeated designation would want it to seem.
ACE: Beauty Is A Curse On The World
“McKenzie, you’re so pretty. Anybody ever tell you that? Nah, you hear that all the time, don’t you? How does it feel to be pretty? Tell Kongo Kong how it feels to be pretty. How does it feel to be handed things your entire life because people like the way you look? See, you live in a bubble. You’re just like that Johnny Gorgeous.”
First of all, no one ever tells McKenzie Mitchell she’s pretty — they’re either very rude to her or they completely forget her name. Even when she’s killing it at the game, like the way she looks on in disgust when Jimmy Jacobs describes how Kongo Kong is going to mutilate Johnny Impact.
Second of all, Jimmy Jacobs is a pretty boy. In fact, being a pretty boy has always been a part of his whole thing for. Whether he’s the pretty boy who thinks he’s a barbarian, a pretty boy who cares too much, or a pretty boy who does ugly things. No, he’s not chiseled out of marble like Johnny Impact, but speaking as a girl who of course had an emo/pop punk phase in her youth, Jimmy Jacobs still checks a lot of boxes.
However, it’s this hypocrisy that actually helps sell the heeldom of Jimmy Jacobs. He’s this very pretty boy who tells this monster that he understands him, that he’ll help him get payback for all the ways the beautiful people have treated him, that he’s the only one who can get him to the top of the mountain, despite the fact he’s not pleasing to the eye.
But as I point that out, I should also acknowledge (call this an EH, though it doesn’t ruin the overall quality of the segment): Seriously, with this, the Cult of Lee and even “one true spirit guide” Josh Mathews, Impact Wrestling clearly has a love affair with charismatic (or “charismatic,” in Mathews’ case) leaders. Imagine what would happen it they actually brought some true three-dimensionalism to them, instead of me just explaining how good they could be.
ACE: Anything Is Possible
“The Impact of old is no more. The Impact of old is dead. Long live the new era icons. Long live oVe. I expected better out of Eddie. You’re a guy just like oVe that’s had to scratch and claw for everything in your career. So for you to come out, I take as straight disrespect!”
A good blood feud is hard to find, but that’s what we’ve gotten here with Eddie Edwards and Sami Callihan (with oVe). The thing about Eddie Edwards’ whole existence is that he makes for a pretty generic babyface experience … until you really tap into his whole “die hard” thing. That’s when the magic happens. And even though the magic still could’ve happened without Sami Callihan legit (yes, I know it was an accident) beaming him in the eye with a baseball bat, that honestly made things even better for Edwards’ character fuel.
EH: Not So Glorious
The best match on this week’s Impact Wrestling show is a GWN flashback to Kurt Angle versus Bobby Roode at Bound For Glory 2011. You know, the precursor to my favorite (singles) Bobby Roode moment: “Why is daddy cheating?” It’s also a match that happened two days after Hulk Hogan verbally buried Roode on a radio show, saying he’s not championship material — and a day after this tweet.
Leave the memories alone. Especially when you have the ability to fill time with more matches from your WrestleCon show.
EH: American Flop Team
I’m 100% serious: It is pretty impressive whenever a wrestling company can make such a big, intimidating guy more believable as a goofy jobber than as a legit contender. In WWE, it was Jack Swagger, here in Impact Wrestling, it’s KM. Keep in mind, in both cases, the specific talent also makes it extremely easy to do so. To quote KM from this very segment:
“A lot of people know me as one thing. And every single one or [sic] you are correct.”
Yes, he says “or” when he means to say “of.” A thing I didn’t think anyone would ever do, until this moment. I understand typing “or” when you mean “of” but not the verbal equivalent in a promo. And it feels like he thought correcting himself would make it worse, even though it’s prerecorded and (in theory) Impact Wrestling could’ve edited the mistake had he tried to fix it.
It’s also pretty funny (mostly sad) that KM was trying to make a point with list of jobbers — Duane Gill, Brooklyn Brawler, Barry Horowitz, “Impact Wrestling legend” D-Ray 3000, Bilvis Wesley, and “the one and only” Musketeer — but at least they’re more well-known than KM.
ACE: Everything’s Coming Up Bahh
While I admit how weird the first match was for the Fallah Bahh of it all, at least he comes out of this episode looking good when KM conflates Bahh with “the Mooses” of Impact Wrestling. (It’s an “insult,” but since KM’s actual gimmick is “liar,” it’s actually a compliment.) If nothing else, KM will put others over as much as he possibly can. Cue the Brian Cage squash.
EH: Um, Is This Thing On?
Seriously, Kongo Kong is the talent Impact Wrestling uses all its resources on, giving him multiple segments in this episode. I know I praised the interview segment earlier, but I should also point out something very striking about this entire Jimmy Jacobs/Kongo Kong dynamic: Jacobs has done so much work to put this monster character over, and Kong has yet to pull his immensely large weight in the ring or even just in the intimidation factor. (Re: the intimidation factor, Kong looks like Bigfoot from A Goofy Movie. So he’s got that working against him.) It’s not as though he’s deceptively fast in the ring or that his moves look like they have massive impact. Every time, Jimmy Jacobs makes him seem like he could be a really cool monster … only for us to remember he’s not. Not even a little. Sami Callihan fits the bill of “the new monster of Impact Wrestling” than Kongo Kong.
Well. It looks like I’ve also covered the match against Johnny Impact with this EH.
EH: I Can’t Even Think Of Something Vaguely Clever. I Just Want To Know Where & How Things Get Lost In Translation In This Company.
As mentioned, this week’s show has dedicated multiple segments to informing the viewing audience as to what Jacobs and Kong’s intent is. Jacobs spends a good portion of time saying they’re going to ugly Johnny up and in more than just one way. So, what do Mathews and Dutt say when it Jacobs and Kong presumably break Johnny’s nose?
Mathews: “Foreshadowing from Jimmy Jacobs when he called him ‘Johnny Gorgeous’?”
Dutt: “Absolutely — I think it’s all starting to make sense now.”
Uh, it made sense before. That neither of them could figure it out before the finish of this match should let you know again just how little time they spent during the match (or any match) calling the action and storyline.
ACE: Payback, Pain & Agony
Yeah, I’ll give Impact Wrestling an ACE for what appears to be tripping into an actual character motivation on Petey Williams’ side. (Besides just the fact Sydal’s been a real jerk-off lately.) Not so much in the fact that Williams hasn’t held the X-Division Championship in 10 years but in the fact that Sydal was the first person to ever take the Canadian Destroyer … back in IWA Mid-South, 15 (well, actually 14) years ago. Props to Impact Wrestling for also getting access to the footage too.
I honestly have no idea what Matt Sydal is talking about when he starts going on about his “third eye” though.
EH: You Ruined Everything
Impact Wrestling ruins the good thing they had with Josh Mathews commentary for once, by replacing the organic, live Impact Wrestling vs. Lucha Underground commentary with new studio stuff from Mathews and Sonjay Dutt. And they edit out the “F*CK DEL RIO” chants, despite spending way too much time otherwise reminding us what an unprofessional perro he is.
Again, I’ll suggest to everyone that you just watch the match on Impact Wrestling’s Twitch. Watch that whole show, honestly.
And now, it is your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap and also comment. Do it for pretty boy Jimmy Jacobs. Do it for people to realize that the bare minimum isn’t deserving of praise. Redemption looks like it can’t fail (and this episode at least makes that clear), but that doesn’t excuse the rest of this.
