The Aces And Ehs Of Impact Wrestling 2/22/18: Grandma Jenny’s Disappointment


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Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. Who loves ya, baby? Me, the person who gets down to the nitty and the especially gritty of Impact Wrestling every week — regardless of her physical and mental well-being — just for you. It’s getting harder and harder to write about this show, despite it technically being better than it was just a few months ago. But how many times can a person say, “This match was fine. It probably would have been better in a different company.” you know?

Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact Wrestling on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world. That shouldn’t be too difficult, should it?

Previously: Allie channeled her inner Buffy, which is all you really need to know about anything. But also, Eddie Edwards came to Lashley’s rescue, and Eli Drake failed to recapture the Impact World Championship. There’s a pretty solid “LAST WEEK” video package that happens early on in this week’s particular episode, so that should help you out, too.

ACE: You Can Do What You Wanna Do

The “EARLIER TODAY” that kicks this show off is EC3 doing weird Jim Carrey gesticulations, if you were still wondering if he was just fucking around in these last episodes of EC3-filled Impact Wrestling. It’s entertaining — possibly sports entertaining, even — so it’s fine, I guess. I truly do wonder if Impact will ever get to a point again where it doesn’t need to tape episodes so far in advance. Even just a month of episodes would be a solid improvement over what we have now. ANYWAY, as EC3 works on his In Living Color reboot audition, the most amusing part is how much he thinks he’s popping Tyrus. He is not.

Meanwhile, Johnny Impact somehow makes a golf cart and a wheelie bag seem cool. I don’t know how, either — I just point this stuff out.

ACE: Crazy Sexy Cool

Let me just get this out of the way now: Caleb “Left Eye” Konley is kind of hot. I didn’t ask for this, but it’s where we’re at. He does an Eddie Guerrero shimmy on his way to the ring, you guys.

The match is a combination of both teams attempting to out-heel the other (Cult of Lee wins this round), some good ass tag team double-teaming, and poor officiating from Child Ref (leading to a “REF YOU SUCK” chant). It’s a solid opening match, but it’s nowhere near the level of last week’s Sami Callihan vs. Lashley match. And that’s understandable! But thankfully, the crowd — except for the front row crew, because they apparently don’t come to watch these shows, despite wanting to be seen at these shows? — is hot for this match. There’s even a “THAT WAS THREE” chant, and you know those come with some heated in-ring shenanigans.

EH: Commentary, Of Course

I’ll just put it all here.

Sonjay Dutt compares Trevor Lee to David Koresh, which is something I’m not even going to touch. Actually, no, I will — because it’s something Dutt shouldn’t even have touched. (That Josh Mathews doesn’t react or reply to the comment is something I’m still not sure about on the “is that good or is that bad?” scale.) Especially since the show he writes for never actually took us from point A to point C(ult) with this Cult of Lee story in the first place. Yes, Trevor and Caleb are doing a good job with what they’ve been given, but what exactly have they been given? All I see is what they themselves are providing for this gimmick. Also, cult leaders with only one follower (or even only two followers, assuming Andrew Everett) are shitty cult leaders, not comparable to David Koresh.

Oh, and this is after Dutt does a sarcastic “boo hoo” over the mention of Trevor having beat him for the X-Division Championship. He plays it — and all his commentary re: Trevor — as a water under the bridge, “over it” situation, when if anything, he should hold onto the grudge he has with the guy during his commentary.

The Sonjay Dutt character has every reason to hate the Trevor Lee character, and having that bit of personality — any bit of personality besides making ill-advised comments about men who caused many to die and references to rap lyrics Josh doesn’t know — could help his commentary. He’s a human, right? He should have a human reaction to Trevor Lee and his antics. (If he’s a malfunctioning robot, that explains him calling Petey Williams “Petey Williamson” during his X-Division Championship match and just letting it stay there.)

Then, once the Cage match ends, failed men’s fashion expert Josh Mathews makes this “secret room in the basement,” creepy-as-hell comment:

“It’d be fun to be Brian Cage, just for a day. Just go out and do whatever you want, right?”

The implication? Well, commentary made sure to play up what a stud cage must be for the ladies, so there’s not so much subtext with Josh’s disturbing comment as there is text. Nonconsensual text.

Speaking of other things Mathews should never say: “Toronto.” I’m not from Canada, but I do know that if you say it like “Terrr-AUNT-o,” you’re doing many things wrong. And then when he later does something right — mention an Impact Zone fan by name, because he actually does care and knows Impact Zone fans by name — Dutt mocks him for it.

EH: Oh Eddie, Where Art Thou?

First of all, Eddie Edwards: Beyonce wore it better. Second of all, this segment confirms commentary was just making crap up when they went on about Lashley/Edwards having respect for each other. That said, their dynamic as Rodman and Jordan is technically a good one … and one that helped me erase Tony calling himself the Pippen to Bananas’ Jordan on The Challenge a couple of weeks ago. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, lucky you. If you do know what I’m talking about: Wasn’t that the most absurd Tony thing after the slo-mo “Ave Maria” moment?!?

But back to Eddie Edwards. I’ve made it clear I’m a fan of the guy, but I await the day that this —

“You don’t have to like me. I don’t have to like you. But we got a common goal out there.”

— is the only type of stories he gets these days. It’s the only type of stories he’s gotten since his feud with Davey Richards ended. We need a reason to chant “Eddie-Eddie-Eddie-Eddie Edwards” again. (Okay, no one in the Impact Zone ever chanted that one, but we still need a reason to chant it again in general.) Edwards says he’s “had enough” of oVe, but like, what? When? How? They’ve been pretty focused on LAX until literally three weeks ago … and they didn’t even act on anyone else other than LAX until two weeks ago. And you don’t like Lashley, Eddie Edwards. This is … I need to breathe before I start talking about Team Impact vs. Team AAA again. This is almost at the same logic level as that, because as much as they say there’s respect between Lashley and Edwards, they didn’t actually get to that until they had to get to that.

And let me just fast forward to the match, because with the exception of Dave Crist realizing early on Lashley isn’t just some little X-Division guy (no offense, LAX), the match is underwhelming. Lashley and Eddie Edwards just don’t gel as a team (unlike both men respectively do when teaming with Moose, actually). And it’s not even in the “can they co-exist?” way, because they do, and other than during the pre-match segment, that question never even has to come up again during this match. It just feels like they easily beat a legitimate tag team — even with outside interference on Sami’s part — and while Lashley is booked like a god, Edwards definitely isn’t. Except for here, when he gets the win.

The Impact Zone enjoyed it, especially with Lashley in super baby face mode, but it’s nothing special, as oVe — even though they’re better now, as a more cohesive unit — are still so very clearly “Sami’s minions.” That’s how they come across in the ring, that’s the actual level they’re at, and while they can work well with and for him, they’re exposed outside of that. Like they are here.

EH: A “Professional” Wrestling Company

The ring in this indy match is squeaky, which is another one of the many downsides of airing indy matches on this show. I’m not an anti-indy snob — as I’ve been informed I’m very much the opposite, many times, in slightly rude ways — but I can say that if “casuals” are the intended target audience for new viewership, these indy matches are major turn-offs. And considering casuals always seem to be Impact’s intended target audience for new viewership — especially when asked about alienating past viewers and the possibility of getting them back — that should be a priority. Presentation and all that.

(Please note: There’s a difference between the intentional B-movie status of the Broken Universe and a New Jersey indy with no production budget.) The squeaky ring doesn’t even actually bother me, but I’ve also watched far worse quality indy shows, with taped up rings and the like. Sometimes on this very televised wrestling show!

Still, this has all the makings of a good match, and from what we’re able to see of it, it is. There’s even story development in this particular outside the Impact Zone match, which is a complete rarity. All of that would be an ACE. But again, it’s “what we’re able to see of it.” Broken record: If there’s not a commercial or an insane botch, there’s no reason to have a match be edited like this. If there’s no time for the match within the proper constraints, then don’t put the match on the show. Or put some actual constraints on these indy matches, if they’re being booked specifically for this show. I have the same criticism from the Moose/Alberto El Patron match, which is even worse; the way it’s cut down makes Moose look like a complete loser to AEP, which shouldn’t be the case at all, especially after the four-way match.

There is an aspect of this entire Matt Sydal story and some particular things on commentary that I want to address — based on spoilers — but I’ll wait until it plays out. Actually, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll address it at the very end of this recap, spoilers and all. You have been warned.

ACE: Oh Canada

I don’t want to be too negative, and like I said before, what we’re given from this match is good — better than the usual Impact Wrestling indy showcase, for sure. The crowd pops big for all of Petey Williams’ offense, and there’s a moment where Sydal bumps for the guy’s slingshot Codebreaker that’s just absolutely unreal. Really, the crowd is hot for the whole match (which they actually get to witness!), and when they start chanting for Sydal to “TAP” … it’s the kind of passion I personally love about indies. This is the crowd I wish the Impact Zone had. This is the crowd the Impact Zone did have, a long, long time ago.

Sydal plays the oblivious heel this whole match, so when he wins and retains the Grand Championship, he acts as though he’s still beloved and cuts a post-match promo. It starts off relatively well, as he says something we can all agree with: “We are all loved, it doesn’t matter where you’re from. Peace, love, and pro wrestling. Think for yourself and question everything.” Cheers, everyone’s happy. And then he goes on about the “proclamation declaration” he received from his spiritual advisor, and the crowd naturally turns on him. Just like he apparently turns on his buddy Taiji Ishimori, as he makes clear he’ll be challenging him for the X-Division Championship. What a knob.

Sure, why not an ACE: DO THE RIGHT THING, JOSEPH

You know, for Jimmy Jacobs’ refusal to conform to gender norms, he sure can exhibit toxic masculinity with the best of them. That’s exactly what’s happening in this Joseph Park feud, as he continues to refuse to take blame for what he and Kongo Kong are doing. Because Park obviously “made” him have Kongo Kong vandalize the office. It “made” him sic Kongo Kong on Grandma Jenny. “He forced our hand” is Jacobs’ excuse for all of their bad behavior, because it’s not their fault. Even though they’re doing very bad things. They’re heels!

This is the most Claire Lynch segment on Impact in a while, and I’ve seen a lot of hatred toward it. Well, “Grandma Jenny,” specifically. I think it was fine. Then again, the Claire Lynch storyline is my wrestling equivalent of The Room. “DO THE RIGHT THING, AJ!!! DO THE RIGHT THING!11” Grandma Jenny is pretty much as Impact is going to get without an actual wrestler in the role, and hey, the Impact Zone actually cares about her well-being (and pops when she slaps Jacobs), which is all that matters here. Look, I’ve already said I just want to get past the part where we have to see an Abyss match.

Also, Sonjay Dutt quotes the Jay-Z verse on “Monster” as Kongo Kong (and Jimmy Jacobs) head to the ring, and Josh Mathews continues on with the most Borash-esque lack of response possible. I understand not knowing the “Bodak Yellow” reference, but come on, man …

EH: Poor Bullwinkle

As mentioned earlier:

“I have the same criticism from the Moose/Alberto El Patron match, which is actually worse; the way it’s cut down makes Moose look like a complete loser to AEP, which shouldn’t be the case at all, especially after the four-way match.”

This should be a big deal match, especially coming off of Moose’s own admitted thoughts of inadequacy, of reminders that he never quite makes it to the very top of his profession. But hot crowd aside, all the clipping — and AEP’s win — returns to remind us AEP is a big deal and Moose is not. Great job, guys.

ACE: Magic’s In The Make-Up

EC3: “But, you know — one thing we’ve learned in life is that when a relationship goes horribly wrong, the best thing to do is?”

EC3 & Tyrus: “Get back together!”

You can see where this is going …

EH: Check Out, With Me Tonight

This is a weird match.

In theory, they’re selling EC3’s power as the Kryptonite to Johnny Impact’s speed and agility. Johnny gets momentum, EC3 stops him in his tracks with his strength. But they oversell it, like it’s Johnny Impact against Cage or EC3 against some little X-Division guy. Plus, all EC3’s goofing off prior to this match really doesn’t help things. Like, we know he’s not going to go on to be an EC3-time world champion, but he spent his last days in Impact Wrestling making sure everyone knew he didn’t care all that much about it. Come on, he treated the Team Impact vs. Team AAA feud more seriously than all of these #1 Contendership opportunities …

Oh, and Josh Mathews throws out a JBL-esque (just by even using it, not in terms of delivery) “BALLGAME” during the match. It does not happen at the end of the match.

Then Johnny Impact and Austin Aries immediately face-off after the match (EC3 and Tyrus also break up too, so now we’re just stuck with Tyrus), and Impact Wrestling continues its weird choice to refuse to let anything in the World Championship department breathe. Austin Aries returns? He’s champ now. Eli Drake loses his rematch? Time for another #1 Contender — preferably one who just lost the ability to challenge for the title barely a week ago — immediately. EC3 failed to become #1 Contender? Time to never think about him in a championship context ever again.
And now, it is your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap and also comment, because I actually love reading comments. (Crazy, right?) As for the rest of you who don’t mind spoilers …

EH: Spoiler Space (SERIOUSLY, SPOILERS)

So, Matt Sydal’s “Higher Power” — I wish they would stop saying that, because Sydal himself hasn’t even said it — is *AGAIN, IT’S SPOILER O’CLOCK* Josh Mathews. Now’s not the time to complain about that. (“I think more things should be written down on scrolls,” he says. That’s the truest nice touch of this all, as Sydal reads the scroll he wrote.) But the thing is, Impact Wrestling’s particular brand of commentary not understanding the difference between foreshadowing and just completely tipping their hand. You know how I’ll mention when Mathews will all of a sudden say a heel comment during the show, despite his whole heel persona being pretty much done? That happens in this match:

Mathews (as Petey goes for a Sharpshooter): “He’s always grandstanding for the crowd, isn’t Petey Williams?”
Dutt: “Uh, no. No, not at all.”
Mathews: “Sharpshooter in Canada? Should do a superkick down at San Antonio.”

It’s really mental whiplash if it has nothing to do with his own actual connection to Sydal, isn’t it? He later says, “There’s something different about Matt Sydal as of late — you’ve got to like it.” Honestly, as interesting as this story has been so far, this match is actually the first time Sydal’s played anything different as far as in-ring goes (as the happy, oblivious heel to Williams’ hometown babyface). So even though we’re hearing everything about his spiritual guide and seeing how obnoxious he can be in the backstage segments, his matches have pretty much been the same, and he’s been completely face in the ring/in terms of his partners.

I’m really mostly just confused though — so hopefully it’s revealed come the spiritual guide reveal — by why Mathews has been so Team Ishimori, if he’s hitched his wagon to Sydal. If it’s the long con (pretending to be all in on Ishimori as a form of misdirection) then imaginary hat tip to him and Impact Wrestling for that. But if one has nothing to do with the other, what was the cringey point?

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