The Aces And Ehs Of Impact Wrestling 3/22/18 And 3/29/18: All About Josh

Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. Who loves ya, baby? Me, the person who gets down to the nitty and the especially gritty of Impact Wrestling every week(-ish) just for you.

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Previously: A free-per-view and a feast (or firing).

ACE: EC-Fired And Loving It

I don’t want to save the best for last, so I’m making it first. That would be the end of the “Property of Impact Wrestling” (peep the shirt, which he appropriately destroys when the time is right) version of EC3. You’ve probably already seen him make his official NXT debut, so no need to do Home Alone face in reaction to this one.

After weeks of making figurative jerk off motions during his segments and matches, the last week of Deadpool EC3 in Impact is oddly affecting. Yeah, he’s still joking around — but this time with the promotion’s all hands on deck approach. Here, it feels like it’s all in good fun, as opposed to openly insulting the promotion. Sure, that may not have been his intent, but that’s how it came across. Then, the official reveal of his fate in the Feast or Fired ceremony is a beautiful goodbye. (Maybe not the part where Impact tries to win the break-up with Jeremy Borash by having commentary refuse to acknowledge his existence — but the rest of it.)

The whole Feast or Fired ceremony is a non-stop ACE, even without the EC3 of it all. Like Eli’s “What am I supposed to this?” when he realizes he has the Tag Team Championship briefcase and ends up chucking it out of the ring. Wait, there is one EH: The World Championship briefcase literally says “Global Championship Title.” That’s … That’s not even a thing, you guys.

So when we get to the final two briefcases — Moose and EC3 — even though we know what the result will be, that doesn’t make EC3’s performance any less. And honestly, it’s the performance of his career, from the moment he gives his “final words”: “See you never, Moose! You’re fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrreeeed!!!!!!” Then there’s the way EC3 freezes once Moose opens his case — despite the fact they’re supposed to be doing it at the same time — to a point that can only be described as, “That’s not Sting, that’s a picture of Sting!”

God, EC3 goes through it all here. He throws Ishimori (of all people) under the bus; he thinks JB’s getting back at him; he says the King of the Mountain match (of all matches) is better than Feast or Fired; he brings up his winning record against TNA Hall of Famers; hell, he even brings up winning the World Title Series, “whatever that was”; he of course pulls the “I’m a Carter.” card. He throws a major tantrum … and then he has a moment of clarity. A moment of honesty, where he talks about how being fired from a job can light an even bigger spark.

That initial spark is what led him to take his failed turn as Derrick Bateman in WWE and become the face of Impact Wrestling as EC3. His hunger to prove he had much more than people thought created EC3, and because of that hunger, he’s now able to prove himself in WWE for a second time around (as EC3). And this time, it’ll probably stick.

As someone who was a fan of his work as Derrick Bateman (you know I rep NXT Redemption 4 Lyfe), words couldn’t describe how excited I was when those EC3 hype vignettes first started in Impact. I’m still disappointed in the lack of lions. He managed to exceed even my expectations with the character and now here we are.

And just one more JB beatdown for the road before EC3 takes a beat down of his own. Pretty perfect.

https://twitter.com/totaldivaseps/status/977003183544336384

ACE: Mansplaining (Not To Be Confused With “McMahonsplaining”)

This Alberto El Patron/Austin Aries promo continues the passive aggressive, macho posturing of their previous segment (aka “The One With The Steak & The Banana”), and it’s so good. El Patron starts off, continuing his praise about how he finally has a “real champion” to fight instead of a paper one. You know I’d like to give an EH to Impact for how much it continues the pile-on of Eli Drake post-world championship reign (from El Patron’s continuous “paper champion” remarks to the whole Feast or Fired situation), but this is still a good segment overall.

However, despite his praise, he acknowledges that he doesn’t buy Aries’ claims of being “the greatest man that ever lived.” You know, because he sees himself as that. Cue Aries, as well as some really sarcastic clapping —

— that El Patron refuses to end when Aries asks him to. It’s here that Aries calls El Patron’s alleged respect for him out (as he didn’t quite do that during their previous meeting), finding it to be some “disingenuous” “B.S.” It’s also here that El Patron finally admits — a little, as he doesn’t go full asshole with it — that Aries is kind of right, that he doesn’t quite see Aries as the “real champion.” At least, not until Aries beats him at Redemption. It makes sense, and it’s already a better story than the Eli Drake/Johnny Impact/Alberto El Patron story (which should’ve been better).

Even admitting that, El Patron still pretends to be a respectful, good guy — which leads him to have Aries’ music played as he walks out. Of course, Aries sees through that too, doesn’t he? “Enjoy it,” he says, after he makes the music guys play El Patron’s music instead. “Because after Redemption, I will still be the Impact World Champion. So this is the only chance you’re going to have to hear your music played last.” Damn, son.

Also, all this alpha male posturing eventually leads to Alberto El Patron eating what’s obviously too big a piece of steak, but because of the whole alpha male thing, he can’t turn back.

EH: TakeOver: Faux-Hawk

“Welcome back to Impact Wrestling. I am the Impact Grand Champion.”

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Josh Mathews should either be a commentator or he should be an active member of the roster (as a manager). Ideally, he should stick to an offscreen role — except for maybe online segments — but the point is that he shouldn’t be a character if he’s going to be “the voice of Impact Wrestling.” Or vice versa.

Why is that? Because now the majority of commentary and the pocket dimension moments are about Josh Mathews. Even when he’s out of the booth, there is more talk from Sonjay Dutt about Josh Mathews than there is about Matt Sydal (or Sydal’s opponent). In the Matt Sydal/Rohit Raju match, the early part of the match features the Impact Zone crowd chanting things like “FIRE MATHEWS” and “WE HATE JOSH.” It takes a while for them to finally start chanting for Sydal.

Meanwhile, Dutt really struggles solo: “Speaking of careers, mine is going great. Here at the booth. Solo. With no Josh.” Oh boy. Dutt has a pleasant voice and approach, but he just needs a good partner to help guide him. He does not have that with this situation.

Making Josh a character has already proven to be a miserable experience for the viewing audience — and keeping the show on track, as a whole — and the only reason it kind of worked last time is because of the Jeremy Borash of it all. And no, I’m not saying JB sniping at him was good: I’m talking about JB’s work producing the Slammiversary match and all the vignettes leading up to that.

There is no JB production magic to save any of this now. Instead, there’s an inexperienced commentator (Sonjay Dutt, really being thrown into the deep end) and … more Matt Sydal promos? And a lot of talk about Josh fricken Mathews. During X-Division matches (with or without Sydal’s involved). During championship discussion (because Josh was gifted the Grand Championship). During Feast or Fired talk (because Dutt hopes Mathews is fired). And Dutt feels so betrayed by Mathews’ lying over this whole “one true spirit guide” thing that he won’t stop talking about how much he hates him.

Basically: It’s the opposite of EC3.

EH: You Deserve It?

When they’re not just talking about Josh Mathews, they’re not talking about the matches either. Allie’s first title defense — against another longtime rival in Sienna — is a mess. It’s too short, and it’s not treated as anything special. (How the hell does it not get a video package? Especially since Sienna just returns out of nowhere to get this title shot.)

But it’s also a disaster because Sonjay and Josh refuse to talk about the match the whole time. Mathews actually asks something relevant to the match — re: Allie facing a bigger, stronger, faster opponent — to which Dutt straight up refuses to answer in favor of talking about Lashley/Cage instead. (Drink every time they say “Drill Claw” on this show.) Then they promote Impact in Northern California. Then they start talking about the ma— Nope, gotta talk about Feast or Fired. Then Dutt’s talking about oVe during the finish of the match, which Mathews only puts a stop to at the three count.

Both of these shows (especially 3/22) feature a lot of commentary struggling to even call the matches — especially when Dutt is solo — but this one is especially insulting. … Especially.

But seriously: Why the hell is this match treated like such an underwhelming afterthought? Again, it’s Allie’s first defense and it’s against the other person who made her life a living hell. What a waste.

ACE: Bug-A-Boo

“Allie, it’s me, boo. It’s B.S. It’s Braxton Sutter.”

I appreciate that Jerk EX-Boyfriend Braxton Sutter the B.S. Man’s approach to getting back on Allie’s side is by … assuming she’s blind?

While the Allie/Sienna Knockouts Championship match is unfortunately a complete bust, the aftermath — and that aftermath’s aftermath the following week — is pretty damn good. Again, B.S. tries to get back in Allie’s good graces. He fails, mostly because he’s the worst and also because he’s just recycling the whole proposal he gave Laurel Van Ness (a point made clearer by the fact that he calls Allie “Laurel”). It doesn’t work though, because Allie has self-esteem now … but that doesn’t mean she gets to leave with her head held high.

Cue the debut of Su Yung, which gets an appropriate amount of confusion and excitement from commentary. (Well, until Josh Mathews says: “We’ve been warned about her.” I’m assuming that there was an expectation of a Su Yung video package then? Otherwise, it makes zero sense.) With that, Sutter does a few halfhearted “wait … no … stop”s to Su Yung before just praising her light for the way she destroyed Allie.

The following week, the assumption is that Sutter and Su Yung are actually a “package deal,” but it looks more like Sutter is hitching his wagon to Su Yung. And she has no idea what this beanie-wearing weirdo is doing. He thinks he can keep her on his good side with a little positive reinforcement, and she’s all (in her less-than-lucid way), “Why do you think the term ‘undead bride’ means anything good for the would-be groom?”

ACE: Speak On It

“You got a fake, wannabe Indian in Matt Sydal, wrestling a real Indian, Rohit Raju.”

Tell ’em, Sonjay! When he’s alone on commentary, Dutt calls Sydal out for cultural appropriation, after admitting he had previously defended Sydal to his Indian family (saying the guy just appreciated their culture). It’s not just a matter of Sydal being a douche; it’s him being a culturally insensitive douche who gets his guidance from someone who definitely has no business doing that. If only any member of the Desi Hit Squad (we only know one on a weekly show basis) had been able to have this issue with Sydal instead. But that would involve having any characterization whatsoever.

Also, I wonder: Were we supposed to thinguess that Sonjay Dutt was Matt Sydal’s one true spirit guide in the first place? That certainly would have been a good fake-out, so I’m inclined to think they didn’t realize they should tease that. It wouldn’t make the Josh Mathews reveal any better, but it would’ve been a nice touch.

ACE: Clear The Way For Fallah Bahh

In the previous recap, I wrote about how strange it was that Fallah Bahh took Sami Callihan to the limit and only lost because Callihan decided foot biting was on the table. But he also won because Bahh decided to climb the ropes for his finisher. His finisher that he never hits. That ends up being the case for the following week’s Fallah Bahh/Trevor Lee match and the Fallah Bahh/KM match the week after that.

It’s an interesting story Impact is telling all of a sudden, because they’re essentially saying that if Bahh can just hit his finisher — or, I don’t know, figure out a new one that doesn’t constantly get prevented — he’ll be unbeatable. Except for KM, none of Bahh’s opponents in these past three weeks are jokes.

Also, speaking of the Bahh/KM match, while it’s kind of too much on the goofy scale, it’s worth appreciating for the “AH! YES YES YES” pay-off.

ACE: oVee (“Ohio Versus Eddie Edwards”)

I think I’d be down for the Eddie Edwards/oVe feud regardless of genuine quality, simply because it finally gets Eddie out of the “mutual respect, we have to learn to work together” storylines he’s been stuck in post-Davey Richards. At the same time, poor guy: The only reason he’s even involved in any of this is because he decided to help Lashley out. Now Lashley is having competitive, highly athletic — and, more importantly, fair — matches against Brian Cage, while Edwards is getting smashed in the face with a baseball bat. On more than one occasion.

But luckily, what we have here is a good feud. The “oVe cam” is still very “early Paparazzi Productions,” but as I’ve mentioned before, that’s certainly a good thing. As is Sami Callihan dressing like a female hotel maid to get the jump on Eddie Edwards. It’s arguable that this feud — and possibly all feuds — peaks with this moment, especially since that red bob wig actually looks good on Callihan. I mean he’s still very #EDGY, #YOURENOTMYREALDAD, #HOWCOULDTHISHAPPENTOME … but it surprisingly looks good on him. (It’s not Breezy Bella but that would be asking too much.) I wonder if it was his idea, and if not, I wonder if it took all that long to convince him to wear this disguise. Either way, it’s The Ultimate ACE.

I thankfully have a less questionable attraction to any of this situation when it comes to Callihan and oVe in “the lions den” (not to be confused with this). I feel I should also bring to everyone’s attention that it’s always shown as “lions” den here, no apostrophe, because it drove me crazy and made me think I was the one who was wrong. (I was not.) But more relevantly, the “lions” den segments are basically a good version of those “Pepsi Blue presents: oVe invades LAX’s territory” segments, with Eddie Edwards not giving a damn if he has to leave Ohio in a body bag — he just wants to get his hands on Sami Callihan and make him bleed his own blood.

The “lions” den is apparently the Crist brothers’ Rockstar Pro wrestling promotion, where even the crowd is out for Edwards’ blood. Watching this particular segment, you wouldn’t know Edwards is the wronged party, would you? Instead, you’d learn that Ohio = tweakers who chant “EVERYTHING” and have a real cult mentality (and a thirst for outsider blood). Basically, it’s proof that oVe isn’t just some anomaly: They’re the representatives. So Edwards really might have to make good on his promise to “fight all of Ohio.”

Just not this time, as Callihan and oVe get the upper hand.

“We let you walk out. We let you leave ‘cause I want you to go back to all your friends, all your family, all your loved ones — and let them know that we are coming. oVe will take down every single person just to prove a point.”

Speaking of a point, my notes after that particular “oVe cam” segment are this: “JESUS CHRIST GET JOSH OFF COMMENTARY NO MORE TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF.” I clearly went into too much of a rage blackout to go into detail, but I’m sure you get it.

EH: eeVtobac (“Eddie Edwards Versus The Ol’ Ball and Chain”)

Going back to the hotel though (pre-“lions” den), thanks to bad acting, Alisha Edwards seems really ungrateful that her husband comes to make sure Sami Callihan doesn’t do anything to her. She’s just so cranky when she wakes up, not worried that Eddie might have a reason to be this frantic — she’s just plain annoyed.

EH: Moose, Moose, Moose — Moose, You’re A B

Okay, it makes all the sense in the world when Eli Drake insults the tag team and X-Division championships — it’s just dickish when babyface Moose does it. You don’t deserve both briefcases, Moose!

ACE: Eli Dice Drake

“I am the Obi Wan Kenobi of Impact Wrestling. While everybody else out there? Obi Wan Jabroni. YEAH!”

Only in professional wrestling — and, I dunno, hack stand-up comedy — can a line like that be considered “good.” OH!

EH: Expect The Expected

Who could have ever imagined that an Abyss/Kongo Kong Monster’s Ball match in 2018 would be short, plodding, and uneventful? Here, I’ll show some mercy and toss out an ACE to Jimmy Jacobs, Father James Mitchell, and Abyss’ entrance theme for being dope.

ACE: Johnny Impact Still Doesn’t Watch The Product

I know this is leading up to another Kongo Kong match, but I have to believe this Kongo Kong match will be better with a more mobile opponent. I have to have some sort of optimism.

What works in this segment is the back and forth between Jimmy Jacobs and Johnny Impact, which is something that’s kind of perfect. You have androgynous, “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo” Jacobs versus jock-who-thinks-he’s-wittier-than-he-is Impact. In the “Jimmy Loves Lacey” story, COLT CABANA essentially filled that role. But now we’re with “Jimmy Loves Kongo,” which is admittedly a downgrade … as well as a reminder how disappointing it is that Jacobs isn’t here for his own wrestling purposes. Johnny Impact makes fun of Jacobs for his “emo haircut,” as he also ignores Jacobs’ explanation of how he’s in “the bubble,” because, well … he’s in the bubble.

But why exactly do I think Johnny Impact doesn’t watch the product?

Jacobs: “You’ll find out, Johnny. ‘Cause I’m a princess. I always get what I want. And, uh, Kongo Kong … says hello.”
Impact: “Well tell him I said hey too then.”

The way he says “hey” back shows he has no idea what Kongo Kong is up to or that he just “destroyed” Abyss. I’m pretty sure he only remembers Kongo Kong from that time he King Kong-kidnapped Petey Williams with no follow-up. And even then, he still thinks they’re cool. I mean, he thinks Jimmy Jacobs wants to fight him himself, and Jimmy Jacobs clearly doesn’t want to fight anyone himself.

ACE: Miss You, JB

You’d think the segments that actually have JB in them would be the ones that most have his fingerprints on them. Instead, it’s this Taya Valkyrie/Rosemary segment, which Taya literally starts with a cackle. And then Rosemary beams a trash can right at her face. Also, poor Amber Nova: After suffering from the shortest loss she’s ever had, she’s immediately beaten by a blinded Taya.

Stealth MVP of this segment though is Richard Justice, who throws out both a “What in tarnation … ?” and a “What in the Sam Hill … ?” Bless his heart.

EH: Are You Sure?

According to Josh Mathews, Suicide “is a beacon of hope.” It’s fine, it’s fine. I’m just never going to understand the Suicide character.

ACE: HOSS IT DOWN

I went into the Lashley/Cage match (and also the Aries/Sydal match) slightly worried, as the people on “the streets” had talked about how dead silent the Impact Zone was. They said the Impact Zone didn’t even care about this match. I should’ve realized they were under the impression that, if it doesn’t sound like a sold out WWE show, then it means silence.

Now, I’ve complained about the Impact Zone crowd plenty of times — but they’re totally into this match. No, they don’t sound like Impact Zone you hear in the GWN flashbacks. Because thanks to all the LOLTNA decisions over the years, the chances of that ever happening again are slim to none. In fact, they are none. Allow me to quote the GWN flashback (Mike Tenay, specifically) that reminds us of what this company used to be and quite frankly isn’t anymore (and that’s fine, I guess):

“Just when you think you’ve seen everything, you watch a TNA pay-per-view and you realize that you are watching cutting edge, alternative wrestling that’s seen nowhere else!”

Impact Wrestling simply can’t say that anymore, so there’s no reason to expect the audience to react like it is.

Onto the match. It’s all about both men asserting dominance in their own special way. Yeah, they have freaky big muscle man strength, but that’s not the impressive part. The impressive part is their speed and athleticism. The impressive part is Cage hitting a hurricanrana on Lashley, only for Lashley to hit him right back with one of his own. The impressive part is Cage hitting Lashley with a flip dive to the outside … and landing on his feet.

Their face-off on opposite ends of the outside of the ring, the way they simultaneously hop onto the apron — this match is all about proving these two men are mirror images of each other, with the eventual result being that Cage is the new and improved model. The crowd doesn’t want to believe that though, as they chant for Lashley. And chant “SPEAR.” And then chant “THAT WAS THREE” (when it was not three) in his favor. It’s not as though Lashley is helpless against Cage; in fact, while the top rope attempts work for Lashley, they don’t quite work for Cage.

But Cage still wins, and he does so with a discus lariat — not even the Drill Claw finisher Sonjay Dutt won’t stop hyping in other matches. While that might seem like an insult to Lashley, it’s actually the result of Lashley getting caught off guard after jaw jacking with the referee. Meaning, Lashley can give his typical “you didn’t beat me, I beat myself” excuse before he presumably has to really put Cage over.

ACE: Next Phase, Next Stage, Next Craze, Next Wave

Ah, the clash of Generation Next (2.0). All because Sydal insults Aries for the very concept of Option C and how he could “just give away” the X-Division Championship. First of all, while Mathews laughs about it, you can tell the irony of giving away titles is really lost on Sydal. Probably because the Grand Championship is useless. (But congrats on becoming a Grand Slam Champion, Aries!) Second of all, this:

“I can still feel your energy in this belt, man. I can feel it, I’m harnessing it. He’s taught me to channel it.”

The fact that Aries had a completely different X-Division belt than this stickered toy is also lost on Sydal.

“I’ve known Matt probably close to 15 years. … You just wonder if maybe he’s dabbled in some of the extracurriculars just a little too much. And if he’s really functioning with all of his faculties. … You start hanging around with a guy like Josh Mathews, I have to question a lot about your judgment.”

Kind of like the crowd is 100% into Lashley in the Lashley/Cage match, the crowd is pretty much all in on Aries for Aries/Sydal. Except for that one high-pitched lady in the crowd who’s never in the proper rhythm when it comes to dueling chants — she’s all in on Sydal.

Unlike Lashley/Cage, the story here is how well these men know each other. In fact, Sydal knows Aries so well he knows how to perfectly avoid Aries’ headscissors-into-dropkick spot. After all these years, very few people have figured out how to perfectly avoid that one. Sydal’s strategy requires a lot of countering Aries’ offense — even if that “countering” means getting Josh Mathews involved — because he knows Aries is a better wrestler than him. (He may be “enlightened,” but he’s not blind.) And if Aries gets his way, then it’s over for Sydal … which is exactly what happens, especially once Petey Williams comes out to even the damn numbers game. Josh Mathews aside, I think I preferred this match to the Aries/Impact one, specifically because of the familiarity aspect. And that beautiful discus elbow Aries hits Sydal with before he brainbusters him.

EH: This Is How You Remind Me

Aries’ butt rock entrance theme is definitely not getting better with time.

And now, it is your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap and also comment. Do it for EC3’s legacy. Do it for Alberto El Patron’s red meat fetish.