The Knockout Report 11/1/18: Desperate Living

Impact Wrestling

Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 10 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.

Last week Fenix fought Johnny Impact for the Impact Championship, and Su Yung exerted a dark power over Allie.

Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for November 1, 2018.

Scarlett Bordeaux Is The Phantom Of The Impact Arena

Hey, if you’ve been hoping to watch Scarlett Bordeaux flirt with a 63-year-old man, congratulations because here’s your chance. You’d think she’d be more interested in the younger members of the Desi Hit Squad, whether she’s looking for wrestling talent or something else, but her attention is focused on Gama Singh. At least she magically appears again in a puff of smoke, already sitting on the couch in a ridiculous outfit. That’s my favorite part of her gimmick at this point.

I’ve been thinking of Scarlett’s character as intelligent and manipulative, with the idea that she has some kind of plan even if we don’t understand it yet. I have to admit, when Gama said he’s from India and she asked, “Isn’t that where they invented the Kama Sutra?” I began to have doubts. Probably though, she just knows that old men usually like women they can explain things to.

Taya Valkyrie Defeated Tessa Blanchard By Disqualification

This should have been in the main event slot, but whatever. It was a fantastic match, up there with what these two did at Bound for Glory. When they came back from commercial and Tessa had Taya in a hold in the middle of the ring, with Taya’s arms behind her back, her legs spread, and her torso pushed down into the mat, that looked and sounded like the most painful hold I’ve seen in a long time. I say “sounded” because Taya was basically screaming, and it made sense that she would be.

Ultimately, Taya got the upper hand. She seemed like she was really on the verge of winning this match and taking Tessa’s title. You could see Tessa realize this too. For all her bluster about being the best, you can always tell when she’s afraid somebody might be better than her, and Taya’s exactly that somebody. A lesser heel champ might just roll out of the ring and try to walk away at this point, but not Tessa. She ends the match the only way she can think of.

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She punches the ref right in the chin, hard. You’d think a referee might say, “You did that on purpose, so instead of disqualifying you like I should, I’m going to let this nicer wrestler beat you up and take your title,” but of course he doesn’t do that. He has them ring the bell and gives the win officially to Taya, but Tessa gets to keep her precious belt. That means there’s definitely a third Valkyrie/Blanchard match on the way, and while I’m not so sure it ends with Taya as Knockouts Champion, Tessa’s at least going to take a beating.

Jordynne Grace Is On Her Way

I don’t know Jordynne Grace well. I think I’ve seen a couple of her indie matches, but she’s not somebody I’ve followed closely. That said, this video really makes her look like a badass. It helps, of course, that she just physically looks like a badass. It’s interesting (and awesome) how the Knockouts Division is becoming a home for thick, swole, unstoppable women. Just imagine a Triple Threat between Taya, Tessa, and Jordynne. Basically the Knockouts are now divided into the magical and the muscular, with tiny little muggle Alisha Edwards stuck in between, worrying about her husband.

Allie Needs Help

Impact didn’t put out a video of this segment, but the always wonderful TDE Wrestling twitter never fails to come through with an illustrative gif.

It was a quick moment, but basically Allie finally confessed, after a lot of pushing from Kiera, that something is badly wrong with her ever since she saw her soul in the Undead Realm but didn’t reclaim it. Kiera says the only answer is to go after Su Yung, which frankly seems to be a terrible idea since whatever’s wrong with Allie gives Su control over her. This is how the story moves along though, and every step brings us closer to the return of Rosemary, so I’m as fully on board as could be.

Meanwhile, In Guyville

Rich Swann Defeated Willie Mack

A fun match between two buddies who are good at wrestling. I’d have liked to have seen the Mack win this, but obviously Rich is ahead of him on the Impact ladder, so that’s fine. I’m curious to see if they go back to tag team matches now, or find separate singles feuds. I’m rooting for the latter.

The New Desi Hit Squad Defeated The Beach Bums

The new member of the Desi Hit Squad turned out to be Gama Singh’s own son, Raj Singh. With his presence they suddenly seem like a more legit and intimidating tag team, which I hope means we can leave behind the storyline about Gama being physically abusive and do something that’s more fun than that.

oVe Returned To Ohio For Violence

So Sami Callihan claimed to invite Brian Cage to Ohio, but in fact it was a fake Brian Cage, who then got beaten up by oVe to prove a point (I guess?). Now Brian Cage is actually going to Ohio to have an actual match with Sami, and that will probably go better for him than this did for fake him.

Eli Drake Has Retained Joseph Park

Eli still wants to sue Impact, so he’s retained the services of Joseph Park Esq., Impact’s own version of Lionel Hutz, who also looks suspiciously like an unmasked Abyss. Park recommends making it a class action lawsuit, which makes me wonder if the next step is Drake going around to other performers who he thinks have been wronged and trying to recruit them. It’s hard to imagine how this storyline comes to a satisfying conclusion, but I’m willing to follow it for now.

LAX Defeated Matt Sydal and Ethan Page

This was a great match, and I’m happy to see LAX fighting legit dudes who aren’t the OGz. I also like using the tag division to get Sydal out of the X-title scene for a while, but I’m betting Page is going to want a solo run pretty soon, whether that’s what Matt wants for him or not. All roads lead to Matt Sydal getting beaten up, and you know I’m here for that.

Pentagon Jr. Defeated Homicide

In the main event, a match from a random episode of Lucha Underground! Homicide’s a fine wrestler, don’t get me wrong, and of course Pentagon’s amazing. So this match was fine, but it inevitably ended with King and Hernandez and Fenix, and everybody beating everybody up. Sorry to be so negative about the OGz, but my new problem with them, now that the LAX feud is over, is that they need to do more to differentiate themselves from oVe. It wasn’t very long ago that the Lucha Brothers were facing another trio of street-tough heels who beat everyone down after every match, and this doesn’t exactly feel wildly different. On the other hand, maybe the two teams need to face off against each other, so the OGz can point out that being the toughest white kids from Dayton Ohio doesn’t actually make you all that tough.

That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week for Impact: Final Hour, one of those regular TV episodes that’s special because it has a name! Killer Kross fights Johnny Impact for the World Championship, Moose faces Eddie Edwards, and Jordynne Grace makes her debut.