Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to start with the Knockouts, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on AXS TV every Tuesday night at 8 p.m. Then you can read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last time on Impact, we were transported back to a bygone era when pro wrestling was even more ridiculous. Now, alas, we find ourselves back at the end of 2019.
Now without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for December 3, 2019:
ODB Is Back
I’m not really familiar with ODB. I’ve seen her in the AEW Battle Royale and an RoH appearance or two, but I never watched any of her Impact run, which seems to be her biggest claim to fame. Her gimmick’s not exactly hard to catch onto, though. She’s One Dirty Bitch, constantly drinking and grabbing herself and generally behaving like a lady shouldn’t. The feud between ODB and Lacey Evans would be epic (the match, maybe not so much).
So Impact is genuinely helping ODB raise money because her food truck caught on fire, which is pretty cool of them. She’s obviously grateful and happy to be back for an episode. But of course a former champion can’t just return to a wrestling show without it becoming a whole thing, so Knockouts Champion Taya Valkyrie shows up to rain on her parade.
Taya’s doing really great heel work now, which is a lot of fun to see. The last time I was watching, Johnny was still there, and while they were great as a heelish power couple, I really like seeing Taya as a Queen with no King. She can handle it on her own, and she does, emphasizing her own fabulousness in contrast to ODB’s shabbiness. Now that Johnny’s officially with WWE, I see a lot of people talking about how Taya should follow him, but honestly I can’t imagine why she’d want to leave a company that’s already made her a top star for one that keeps running their women’s tag team champs against their women’s singles champs because they can’t be bothered to build worthy opponents for either.
Anyway, ODB eventually gets fed up with Taya and attacks her, setting up their non-title match for the main event.
Tessa Blanchard Is Ready for Sami Callihan
Tessa officially became the Number One Contender last week, so we get this press conference scene about their upcoming title match at Hard To Kill. Tessa’s pretty straightforward in her ambitions, but Sami’s heel work really stands out. He not only doesn’t make it about gender, he smugly makes a point about not making it about gender. He does call her a spoiled brat, which is pretty great, and he says he’s going to crack her skull open, which definitely gets her attention. It’s a great segment all around, and I’m curious to see what the build to this match looks like over the next month.
Jordynne Grace Is Awkward
This is a really funny segment that I’m surprised isn’t on YouTube. Jordynne Grace approaches ODB backstage, and ODB launches into a whole thing with the assumption that Grace is being territorial because she’s got a title match coming up with Taya and so forth, but then Jordynne’s just like “Actually I think you’re cool, and I was just going to wish you luck and donate some money to your cause.” Then she awkwardly stuffs some cash into ODB’s bra, which is a great gag. I bet that happens to ODB a lot, actually.
Reverend James Mitchell Is Helping Suzie Make Friends
There’s a lot I’m catching up on with Impact, but this Su Yung stuff is particularly bizarre. Apparently Havok killed her, but she came back to life with no memory, no spooky makeup, and going by the name Suzie. I admit, I literally did not recognize her as the same woman at all without the J-Horror makeup. This segment is just the Reverend James Mitchell re-introducing her to Havok, and assuring her they’ll be the best of friends. So is Suzie still evil, or is she just naive and easily manipulated in this form? I guess time will tell. There’s always a lot happening in the Knockours division, and some of it usually involves somebody dying and coming back.
ODB defeated Taya Valkyrie in a Non-Title Match
Since I’ve literally never seen an ODB singles match before, I don’t want to judge her workrate based on a one-off appearance when her main business is barbecue now. But let’s be real this match doesn’t have a lot going for it, compared to what Taya’s capable of with other opponents. It’s mostly just crude stuff like bronco busters and stinkfaces and a hilarious bit where ODB starts banging Taya’s face into her crotch and Don Callis deadpans, “Oh dear. What’s the name of this move, Josh?” A much less calm Mathews screams, “Don’t know!” in response.
The main thing that happens, aside from ODB getting Taya’s henchman drunk, is Jordynne Grace coming out and grabbing the Knockouts Title, just to distract Taya so that ODB can cradle her for a pin. Losing to ODB is humiliating for the current champion, but that’s the whole point. That’s why Jordynne made it happen. Just so Taya would make this face:
Now Taya’s as angry as she is embarrassed, and she’s just going to channel her embarrassment into more anger. Jordynne’s got more of a target on her back than ever, and the heat of their upcoming match increases.
Meanwhile, in Guyville…
Michael Elgin defeated Eddie Edwards and Brian Cage in a Triple Threat
This was like the first 35 minutes of the show. I was kind of enjoying Eddie and Cage together, but then Elgin came out and forced himself into the match and I kind of lost interest.
Ace Austin and Reno Scum defeated the Rascalz
I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that I came back to Impact in time for the climax of the “Trey Miguel’s Mom is super-hot” storyline. They are perfectly matched with the trio of Ace and the Reno Scum guys, though, who seem like the evil versions of them. Just six young dipshits, fighting because somebody wants to sleep with somebody else’s mom.
Meanwhile, on ECW
I guess Impact has a Seniors Division now, because there’s a whole storyline going on between RVD, Tommy Dreamer, and Rhino, in which RVD’s girlfriend is the only person involved under 45.
Fallah Bahh Talks Now?
I didn’t see that coming. I’m curious how long it’s been going on. He’s… not bad at it?
Petey Williams defeated Johnny Swinger
Johnny Swinger seems like a real creep, and her really wanted to team up with Joey Ryan, but Joey ignored him, so Johnny’s on his own against Petey Williams. I’m glad Petey won, but this was not a good match, and I’m not sure what the point of Johnny Swinger is, especially when there are actual legit old guys like RVD around.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, in time for the Tag Team Challenge!