Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on the Pursuit Channel or Twitch every Friday night at 10 p.m. Then on Mondays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Two weeks ago on Impact, Rosemary found her army, Delilah Doom faced Tessa Blanchard, and Johnny Impact hurt his neck (or did he?). Now without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for March 8 and 15, 2019.
Alisha Edwards Is In The Middle Of This Mess Now
I really don’t like to take this kind of tone as much as y’all probably think I do, but this segment is a problem. Alisha Edwards came out and talked vaguely about her contract being up and the possibility of leaving to start a family, and then the Desi Hit Squad showed up to say that not only should she, but all women should get out of wrestling and go back to the kitchen. She slapped Gama Singh, but then Eddie Edwards and Eli Drake came out to give the Squad the beating they deserved. So first all, they put the team of “evil foreigners” in the position of parroting sexist anti-women’s-wrestling rhetoric, then have some white American guys beat them up in place of the woman standing up for herself. And on top of all that, this wasn’t even the only segment in the May 8th episode in which a man ranted about how women shouldn’t wrestle. It’s all just the cheapest of heat, and I could have done without it.
Rosemary, Kiera Hogan, and Jordynne Grace Defeated Allie, Su Yung, and the Undead Bridesmaid
Now this, this is the real stuff. James Mitchell promised to return Allie to Rosemary if she and her allies can defeat his forces of evil. Unfortunately the match itself was held entirely under read lighting, which probably looked cool live but was a nightmare for video resolution. The match itself was still great, however. The new Undead Maid of Honor had a bit more personality and a lot more of a look than the last one, so I would mind if she sticks around for a bit.
The match started with Kiera going hard at Su with some running strikes in the corner, which really illustrated how far the once-intimidated Girl on Fire has come since Allie rescued her from Hell. A real highlight of the match was Allie’s palpable discomfort at facing Rosemary. The soulless former Bunny would slap herself in the face whenever confronted with her former best friend, and did her best to avoid going near her. At one point, this gave Jordynne Grace the opportunity to hit Allie with a hell of a German Suplex.
Ultimately, and this seems like it might matter down the road, it was Su Yung’s mistakes that led to her side losing. First she accidentally hit Allie with a palm strike, then the Red Mist she intended for Rosemary hit the Undead Bridesmaid as well. That allowed Rosemary to pin the Bridesmaid for the victory.
But if you thought Allie would magically return to her old self the moment James Mitchell relinquished his hold over her, that’s not the case. Instead, Rosemary put a dog collar on Allie and led her out, which was a weird sight for everyone, but especially for Kiera Hogan and Jordynne Grace. After the match, Kiera wasn’t ready to leave Allie in Rosemary’s “care,” but Jordynne made the case that whatever is going on here is beyond them. Clearly Rosemary doesn’t even have as much of a handle on things as she’d like everyone to believe, because a week later she was still trying to remind Allie who she really is.
Scarlett Bordeaux Has An Opponent!
Well, Scarlett Bordeaux chose her opponent for her in-ring debut, and it’s… Disco Inferno? No really, Glenn Gilbertti has been hanging around backstage for a couple of weeks, trying to figure out what his new job is. When Scarlett insulted him during an in-ring promo, he got up and joined the “women wrestling is bad, actually” chorus, leading to Scarlett slapping him and promising to make him her bitch when their match happens in two weeks. I’m no particular fan of Glenn Gilbertti or the trope of doing intergender matches to prove to sexist men that women can wrestle, but honestly if he really puts her over in a good fight, that could be pretty cool.
Jordynne Grace Defeated Tessa Blanchard
Proving she wasn’t kidding about leaving the Supernatural storyline behind, Jordynne got a match with Tessa Blanchard to become the #1 Contender for the non-on-TV-much-lately Knockouts Championship, and it was great. These two make a perfect physical match, not to mention being such great wrestlers that they make each other look that much more amazing throughout.
Early in the match Tessa looked dominant with a Superkick leading into a Codebreaker, but Jordynne hit a mighty Spinebuster to take control, and nearly won with a Michinoku Driver. Tessa countered Jordynne’s attempt at a Muscle Buster, though, and she might have gone on to win the match, if only she’d stayed focused on her current opponent, instead of who she’d rather be fighting.
Tessa’s been doing this thing lately where she calls out Gail Kim during every match. Maybe that’s fine when you’re fighting jobbers and visiting talents, but Jordynne’s having none of it. The moment Tessa pauses to yell about Gail, Jordynne grabs, slams her, hits the Grace Driver, and pins her.
Gail Kim Can’t Help Herself
How do you do an Authority Figure Versus Rule-Breaking Wrestler story where the authority figure is the face and the wrestler is the heel, when everybody always wants and expects it to be the opposite? I guess the key is having the wrestler be a really big jerk, and then have the authority figure be so determined to deal with them that they get suspended by a company that sees the wrestler as the real money maker.
So now Gail Kim has been temporarily stripped of her authority (in storyline), and she’s definitely coming for Tessa Blanchard. I’m definitely here for that. I just hope they don’t drag out the build too much longer.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
Ace Austin Defeated Jake Atlas
There’s not much to this match, but it’s Ace Austin’s Impact debut. I don’t know much about him, but he’s got a great look and I’m looking forward to seeing more of him in this company.
The Lucha Bros Defeated The Rascalz
This was a great match, and really helped build up the Rascalz as a tag team to be reckoned with. Fenix and Pentagon wore masks that were much more monstery than usual, which amped up their already considerable aura of menace as they faced this team of fun-loving babyface stoners. The Lucha Bros are one of the fastest and most fluid high-flying tag teams in the world, so the fact that there were moments in this match when the Rascalz seemed to have the upper hand when it comes to speed and adaptability is huge for them, even though the Lucha Bros inevitably won.
oVe Defeated Rich Swann, Willie Mack, and Tommy Dreamer
You know, I’ve defended Tommy Dreamer and Impact’s use of him in this space more than once before. As the Godfather (or if you prefer, Daddy) of hardcore wrestling, he can make things feel important. In a feud like this, however, that’s supposed to be so deeply personal for Rich Swann and his close friend Willie Mack, he kind of has the opposite effect. Next week is Rich fighting Sami in what will hopefully be the culmination of this feud, so Tommy’s presence here just signals that this is the meaningless three-on-three match that has to precede the match that matters.
Glenn Gilbertti Defeated Kikutaro
In two weeks, Disco Inferno will be fighting a woman. What better way to build him up for that match than to have him beat a wrestling clown? No disrespect to Kikutaro, that guy’s great.
Eddie Edwards and Eli Drake Defeated Desi Hit Squad
This was the payoff to the segment last week where the Desi Hit Squad was sexist toward Alisha, so the fact that she’s not even at ringside to toss Eddie the kendo stick doesn’t really help the optics of the whole thing.
At Last, A Heel Turn
Last time this column ran, I was extremely frustrated about how drawn out the World Championship storyline has been. Now it finally makes sense. Two weeks into a neck injury storyline, Johnny revealed that the injury was fake, and he clearly has no intention of giving Brian Cage a fair match for the title. Although he was too busy selling a nasty blow to the head to really react in this segment, Cage will be able to be a much more heroic figure against an evil Johnny Impact than when he was a well-meaning dope who couldn’t wrangle a match out of a supposed babyface champ. Plus, Taya turned heel along with Johnny, which will hopefully enable her to return to the Knockouts Division as an intimidating foe for new #1 Contender Jordynne Grace.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when Sami Callihan challenges Rich Swan for the X-Division Championship, while Willie Mack faces Ethan Page.
