The Knockout Report 3/1/19: Remembrance Of Things To Come

Impact Wrestling

Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on the Pursuit Channel or Twitch every Friday night at 10 p.m. Then on Mondays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.

Last week on Impact, Tessa Blanchard interrupted Delilah Doom’s debut match against Alisha Edwards, and LAX fought the Lucha Bros again. Now without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for March 1, 2019.

Scarlett Bordeaux Might Still Be Teasing Us

Shouldn’t Scarlett Bordeaux’s debut match have happened by now? Is this really happening, or are they just going to keep teasing us with it while she continues to only appear in backstage segments wearing increasingly tiny tops? Technically, I’m not sure what she wore this week qualified as a top; it’s more of a ribbon. Anyway, she’s supposed to announce her first opponent next week. Maybe it’ll be Madison Rayne, who’s been announced as returning. Alternately, she could pick Delilah Doom, which would be fun. Or maybe she’ll just walk out at the end of the Dark War, when half the Knockouts are laying beaten and bloody around the ring, and just point at one of them.

Tessa Blanchard Defeated Delilah Doom

As I mentioned last week, I’m a longtime fan of Delilah Doom, and I really enjoyed this match despite knowing that Tessa had to win. Doom’s energy level is unmatched, and the story of this match was all about Tessa having to match her opponent’s enthusiasm with aggression. Of course she was up to the challenge, but Delilah still came out of this looking like both a formidable opponent and a fun performer to watch (she is in fact both). I’m still hoping we get to see more of her in Impact. And if we don’t, AEW should consider hiring her instead. I’m just throwing that out there.

Of course Tessa is still angry at management and demanding another rematch for the Impact Championship. That’s been the status quo for a while now, but I’m just glad that she’s still fighting and having mini-feuds with other people in the meantime, unlike the situation in the men’s title scene (but we’ll get to that).

Rosemary Has An Army

Watch this backstage segment once, and then watch it again but only pay attention to Jordynne Grace’s face. She has no lines, but she sure is working her hardest at face acting, and I love it. I don’t love how condescending Rosemary acts towards Kiera, but always claiming to know better than the mortals is part of Rosemary’s whole thing. The other thing I love is Kiera furiously standing up to Rosemary, to the point that the Demon Assassin has to relent. Also, if Allie’s the bunny and Kiera’s a firefly, what animal is Rosemary going to identify Jordynne with? Personally, I’m kind of rooting for rhino.

Meanwhile, In Guyville

Willie Mack Defeated Jake Crist By Disqualification

This match is fine, and I always enjoy Willie Mack’s work, but I wish he could get free of this oVe/Rich Swann storyline. If he and Swann aren’t going to compete in the Tag Team Division, I’d like to see Mack find his own feuds and storylines. And no offense to Tommy Dreamer, but when he ran out to save Willie from a beatdown by the Crists, I can’t say it made me more excited about this storyline.

Willie Mack and Tommy Dreamer Defeated oVe

The thing about Tommy Dreamer is that he’s never been the greatest worker, but he’s willing to do stuff like grabbing a plate of leftover concessions out of the crowd, throw it at Jake Crist, then pick up a large piece of food (part of a hamburger, I think) off the mat with his mouth and rub it on Jake’s face.

KM and Fallah Bahh Defeated Reno Scum

Naturally I assumed that the comedy tag team was here to put over the more intimidating returning team, but then KM and Fallah pulled out a surprise win. The winners inevitably got beaten up afterwards, and then they cut the angriest promo of their careers. So it looks like we’ll be seeing this match again, which probably means KM and Fallah are here to put over Reno Scum after all.

Zachary Wentz Defeated Ethan Page

So I was thinking that this was kind of a nothing match between two talented guys, and then Page got into a fight with a guy in the front row of the crowd, who turned out to be former NFL linebacker Morlon Greenwood. That helped Wentz get the pin, and then he shook hands with Greenwood after the match.

Moose and Killer Kross Defeated Brian Cage and Johnny Impact

I’m just about ready to throw up my hands at this point. I have nothing left to say about these four guys and their main event storyline. It’s been two solid months since Homecoming, and they’ve all been going in circles ever since. Needless to say, I don’t have faith that Johnny Impact’s kayfabe neck injury that happened in this match will cause things to move any quicker.

That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when Rosemary, Kiera Hogan, and Jordynne Grace face the hordes of Hell, while Scarlett announces her opponent for her upcoming in-ring debut.