Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week Eddie Edwards and Sami Callahan went to the woods to kill each other, and Tessa Blanchard beat the hell out of Kiera Hogan.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for June 14, 2018.
Taya Valkyrie Defeated Rebel
Taya’s back! Newly married and ready to kick some ass. She’s only been gone a few weeks, but it’s a strange new Knockouts Division she’s come home to. Su Yung is Champion (and not on this episode, alas), Rosemary and Allie are MIA, and Tessa Blanchard is the new muscular, dominant glamour girl on the block. Before she deals with any of that though, she had to take out the returning Knockout known as Rebel. For Taya, it wasn’t that challenging, let’s be real.
Rebel appears to have just been making a one-off appearance here, rather than a full-time return, but by all accounts her in-ring work is way better than it was the first time around. In any case, she made a fine opponent for Taya to crush while she makes her way to her next actual feud.
But She Really Wants Madison Rayne
After the match, Taya grabbed a mic and announced that the next feud in question will be with returning veteran Madison Rayne. Madison claims she was only tempted back into the ring because she doesn’t like bullies like Tessa Blanchard, and Taya is a big bully too, so I’m sure she’ll feel motivated.
It is a little weird how Taya said “this is my kingdom,” claiming ownership of the Knockouts Division like Tessa Blanchard isn’t out there saying the exact same kind of stuff, while meanwhile the actual champion is a zombie bride who’s already killed two of the top Knockouts. I’m all in favor of as many women’s storylines as possible, but at the moment it’s hard to understand how the larger ecosystem of this division works. Hopefully once Su Yung returns from the Woods, she’ll remind the other Knockouts who’s at the top.
Diamante Is The Smartest Person In LAX
Diamante doesn’t trust King. She doesn’t want to drink his tequila (and as she makes clear, it’s not because she doesn’t like tequila), and she’s not here to celebrate the opportunities that he’s mysteriously obtaining for Ortiz and Santana. Unsurprisingly, she’s absolutely right. After the rest of LAX left the clubhouse, King turned into a completely different person, proclaiming “The world is mine,” as ominous music played. Exactly what evil world-conquering plan he has that’s aided by duplicitously taking over a wrestling faction that’s not even vaguely dominant at the moment is the real question, but I’m sure all will be revealed before long, especially with Ortiz and Santana getting a Tag Team Titles shot next week.
Tessa Blanchard Defeated Kiera Hogan
After the beat-down she got last week, this no-DQ match was Kiera Hogan’s chance to show some brutality, and she rose to the occasion from the beginning of the match when she yanked Tessa out of the ring, to the end when she set up a steel chair where it would be waiting for Tessa’s head when Kiera hit her finisher. Unfortunately for her, Kiera Hogan merely adopted the no DQ match. Tessa was born in it, molded by it. The chair was waiting for Kiera when Tessa reversed her fisherman neckbreaker, and Kiera’s face when right into it.
Even though she lost, Kiera was the real winner of this match. We knew what Tessa could do, but seeing the Girl on Fire show some real fire, and get substantial offense in against an opponent as powerful as Tessa, helps build up Kiera for the future. Despite the return of Madison Rayne, the absence of Rosemary and Allie has left Impact low on female babyfaces. Until one of them returns, or one of the heels turns, or Diamante gets fed up with LAX and decides it’s time to prove herself in the Knockouts Division, Kiera and Madison are pretty much it for heroic women on this show. Fortunately, Kiera is proving herself to be as much of a superhero as her ring gear makes her look like. She couldn’t quite put Tessa down this time, but it’s going to be a great moment when she eventually does.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
Eddie Edwards Only Loves His Stick Now
Eddie Edwards is back from the woods, but he’s not the same. As the show opened, Grado and Katarina came down to the ring, but Eddie appeared from nowhere and beat Grado with a kendo stick. He threatened to do the same thing to Katarina, and she ran off. Tommy Dreamer tried to bring Eddie back from the dark side, but it’s too late now. Sami Callahan has ruined him. He doesn’t care about his friends. He doesn’t care about his wife. There is only the stick, and the people he can hit with it.
Sami Callahan Claimed Victory And Refocused
Sami rightly declares that he won his battle with Eddie, because he’s still himself while Eddie is a stick-obsessed madman. With that behind them, he sends Jake Crist after Fantasma, because it’s time to do something new.
Cult Of Lee Defeated KM And Fallah Bahh
KM and Fallah Bahh’s days as a tag team appear to already be over, after an eye-raked Fallah accidentally gave KM a Samoan drop. Oh well, at least KM learned a lesson about body-shaming along the way.
Moose Defeated Eli Drake For The Number One Contendership
This match happened at the House of Hardcore, which seemed weird after how it was built up. It was a fine match, although the editing was annoying. The upshot is that Moose is now the Number One Contender for the Impact World Championship, and will face Austin Aries at Slammiversary.
El Hijo de Fantasma Defeated Jake Crist
Fantasma won, but of course his prize was an oVe beatdown. They were going to take his mask off in the middle of the ring, but Pentagon Jr. made the save in the name of Lucha tradition. I’m 1000% here for an oVe-vs-luchadors feud. Penta and Sami are probably the two scariest men on the Impact roster (at least until the end of this episode), so let’s watch them go Freddy vs Jason on each other.
Matt Sydal Defeated Brian Cage For The X-Division Championship
Cage definitely would have been X-Division Champion if Jimmy Jacobs hadn’t brought Kongo Kong down the ramp for a distraction, plus a little bit of hitting Cage’s head against the steps while the ref wasn’t looking. Brian Cage has kept himself busy fighting smaller guys lately, so it makes sense that the monsters (and the deviously effeminate managers of those monsters) would be getting impatient for a piece of him.
The Backstage Attacker Was Revealed
Petey Williams was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got arrested for the X-card beatings, but the cop wasn’t a real cop! It was a huge scary guy with a creepy elk-centaur tattoo on his back, who beat up Petey and left an X-card on him too. I didn’t know the guy, but the internet tells me his name is Kevin “Killer” Kross, which is a nice twist on the meaning of the calling cards, since X’s are also crosses. Plus, this guy looks super scary, so we’ll see what he does next.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when Taya Valkyrie faces Madison Rayne, LAX face Z&E, and Eddie Edwards might hit some more people with sticks.
