The Knockout Report: Into The Woods And Out Of The Woods

06.08.18 6 months ago 2 Comments


Impact Wrestling

Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.

Last week Su Yung put Allie in a coffin and Austin Aries won back the World Championship from Pentagon Jr, plus Eddie Edwards declared his intentions to go into the woods.

Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for June 7, 2018.

Su Yung Is Still Burning Things In The Woods

The Knockouts Champion isn’t in the building, but she was briefly sighted out in the woods celebrating with the belt and all her undead bridesmaids. They also appear to be burning another casket. Hopefully Allie’s not still inside that one, or if she is hopefully she’ll be saved by demon magic or something. I don’t know how any of this works, I just don’t want Allie to be off TV for too long.

Diamante Is Back

The LAX Clubhouse segments are become like the Golden Girls, where every episode starts with somebody showing up at the door and the plot builds from there. The week it’s a returning Diamante, who’s immediately suspicious of Kingston and how he conveniently showed up right after Konnan and Homicide got taken out. As someone who’s generally suspicious of Kingston as well, I’m happy to have her around. I hope she also gets involved in the Knockouts Division before too long. She hasn’t had time to build much of a character in Impact, but she’s different from any other woman on the roster, and that makes her interesting.

Madison Rayne Is Glad To Be Back

Madison Rayne claims she really only meant to return to do commentary, but now that she’s defeated Tessa Blanchard she’s into this whole wrestling thing again. Specifically she wants another shot at the Knockouts Championship. Madison doesn’t mention, but surely must know, that the belt is currently held by a literal undead monster who spits blood and burns bodies in boxes in the woods. It’s going to be an interesting feud.

Tessa Blanchard Beat Up Kiera Hogan

This is the kind of backstage segment I love. Even though nothing Tessa or Kiera say sound like the words of a real person, the exaggeration feels operatic (or at least soap-operatic) instead of just cheesy. Tessa’s exactly the sort of character who’s going to show up to brag about how great she is immediately after an embarrassing loss, and Kiera’s the perfect person to call her out on it. Kiera’s also the perfect size for Tessa to toss her around the room like it’s nothing, and she’s great at bouncing off the walls and floor.

They’re striking a really great balance with Tessa’s booking right now. She’s good enough to be a threat to anybody, not so good she can’t lose, so insecure that she hates being reminded she can lose, and physically dominant enough to beat the crap out of anyone who does the reminding. It seems likely another match between her and Kiera is coming, which will be fun, but there are also plenty of other Knockouts I can’t wait to see Tessa in the ring with.

Alisha Edwards Tried To Save Eddie From Forest Madness

So against his wife’s wishes, Eddie Edwards went to the woods to murder, or be murdered by, Sami Callahan. He just about does it, too. After fighting off the Crist brothers, he brawls with Sami until he manages to throw him into a tree and bust his head open with a weirdly concealed object. But just as he’s about to finish committing the murder that would surely have made all his problems go away, Alisha shows up in a car with Tommy Dreamer. As the two are trying their best to convince Eddie that murdering your enemies in the woods is not the answer, Sami disappears. Then Eddie hits Tommy with a baseball bat and runs off.

This whole segment worked pretty well, but it did seem a bit anticlimactic considering the glory of some of the “take a camcorder out in the woods” segments in Impact’s past. Honestly, one of my favorite things about this whole feud has been the awkwardness of Tommy Dreamer. With his thick-hipped dadbod and complete lack of acting ability, he’s always seemed like he just sort of wandered into this story about these very angry young men. Alisha Edwards, on the other hand, seems like she was born into this story, always ready to scream about how if her husband loves her he’ll stop trying to murder a guy.

What I really wasn’t expecting is for this segment and the episode to end with Eddie Edwards running off into the woods, away from the people who care about him. As of right now, on this Friday afternoon in the kayfabe world where Impact happens once a week, Eddie Edwards is currently out in the woods somewhere, living off of squirrels and lichen, his hair and fingernails growing long like some kind of wrestling Nebuchadnezzar. Maybe he’ll run into Su Yung and her crew out there, and she can help him put Sami Callahan in a box and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, In Guyville

Z & E Defeated Aerostar And Drago To Retain The Tag Team Championships

This was a fine match that took up most of the show’s first half hour. Even when it dragged on a bit, I found myself thinking how refreshing it is to watch a wrestling show where the first half hour is taken up by a tag team match, instead of like four people standing in the ring talking.

LAX Defeated The Cult Of Lee

I’m glad LAX got a win here. Now that Diamante’s back to cast doubt on the “King will lead us to glory” narrative, I’m looking forward to where this story goes. Still hoping for more and better things for the Cult of Lee as well.

Eli Drake Thinks We’re All Dummies

In a Fact of Life segment, Eli Drake listed his Top Five Dummies:
5. Fans of Impact
4. Austin Aries
3. Management of Impact
2. Fans of Impact
1. Moose

Naturally Moose came down to the ring, and got sucker punched, low-blowed, and Gravy Trained for his trouble. Next week the two will meet in a Number One Contender’s match with the winner going on to face Aries for the World Championship. It should be fun, but let’s be real, everything Eli Drake does is fun.

Brian Cage Squashed Rohit Raju

No offense to Raju, but the real point here was for Cage to look super-dominant before Matt Sydal comes to the ring and offers to help Cage open his third eye. Cage doesn’t want extra eyes, given all the superpowers he already has, so instead he’s going to fight Sydal for the X Division Championship next week.

That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when we’ll hopefully learn who’s made it out of the woods and who’s still in there.

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