Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week LAX split in half, OvE attacked Fenix, and Allie teamed up with Madison Rayne against Su Yung and her horde.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for July 12, 2018.
Shotzi’s Here!
Shotzi Blackheart is one of the most fun performers in the women’s indie wrestling scene right now, and she’s arrived at Impact fully formed (they even repeatedly namedrop Rise Wrestling as the place they found her). Her promos are unique because she’s deliberately campy in her use of catchphrases and classic-wrestling-by-way-of-punk-rock hyperbole. I’m not sure how most Impact fans will take to that, but personally I love it. Her body is the bullet indeed.
Allie Defeated Shotzi Blackheart
Shotzi isn’t signed (yet, I add with hope in my heart), so she’s really just here to make Allie look good in her first match since Under Pressure, and she succeeds in that. The cool thing is that Shotzi looks great in the match too, which gives me that much more hope she’ll be a full-time Knockout before too long. There was a great moment in the match when Shotzi howled like a wolf and Allie just sort of looked at her impatiently, like “Oh, please.” The last thing Allie needs is another monster woman in her life, and she knows it.
The idea that Allie is a new darker version of herself since escaping from Su Yung’s coffin is being sold by commentary a lot harder than Allie is playing it herself. Allie still seems like herself, she’s just sad and a bit weary, and that’s working for her. The match with Shotzi was fun, and that girl can sell the hell out of a codebreaker, but naturally it was all really just a set-up for the arrival of the real villain
Tessa Blanchard Wants a Piece of Allie
Tessa is back (cute blue shoes and all) to take revenge on Allie for thwarting her attempt to take revenge on Madison last week. It really is a never-ending cycle with this girl. Naturally this is setting up the Slammiversary match between them that I was hoping for. Later in the show, Tessa cuts a promo about how she wants to teach Allie that doing the right thing is the wrong thing to do. Spoken like a true Blanchard.
Su Yung Is Inside Madison Rayne’s Head
After she walked away from an interview—leaving open the question of whether or not Alicia could also hear the creepy sounds she was hearing—Madison Rayne was led around backstage by weird noises, a briefly glimpsed bloody bridal train, and a sheet with writing on it. Because this is Impact Wrestling, she soon ended up out in the middle of the woods.
I love a wrestling show with a subjective camera, where we get to see things performers are seeing, even if they might not be real. WWE lets that happen so rarely these days that it doesn’t work when they do, but in shows like Impact and Lucha Underground it adds to the feeling that we’re in a world where magic is real. The Knockouts Champion isn’t just a woman from Seattle who wears creepy makeup to intimidate her opponents. She’s a supernatural being with dark and mysterious powers. So whether it’s in Madison’s head or objectively happening, it’s believable when she opens a door backstage and it leads to a darkened forest, full of undead bridesmaids who disappear just when they’re about to attack. Madison’s just a nice lady in a surprisingly skimpy top, and I honestly don’t know how she’s going to get through this.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
The OGs Squashed Some Jobbers
King cut a promo about how Konnan left Hernandez and Homicide out in the cold, but now they’re the LAX that matters. It’s fine. I imagine I’d care more if I’d been following LAX from day one, but it should lead to a good match or two regardless.
DeAngelo Williams Said He’d Never Do This Again, But Here He Is
Moose’s buddy and fellow ex-NFL guy comes out to the ring to talk about how hard Moose is training, and also to run down Austin Aries. Naturally, Aries comes out, proves he’s better at talking than anybody, and then sucker punches Williams, laying him out in the ring. I personally don’t have much interest in DeAngelo Williams, but as a build to the Slammiversary title match, this is all going very well.
KM And Fallah Bahh Are United Against a Common Threat
Just when KM and Fallah have fully reunited as a tag team, Gama Singh shows up with the Desi Hit Squad, to show them what a real tag team looks like. If I’ve become as fluent in the tropes of Impact Wrestling as I think I have, there might be a match between these two teams pretty soon.
Eli Drake Defeated Grado
Grado ran into Eli Drake backstage and introduced him to his girlfriend Katarina and their inseparable new friend Joe Hendry. All Eli wants to do is hit on Katarina, so naturally Grado has to lose a match to him to defend her honor. I like Grado and Drake, I’m ready to like Katarina, and I look forward to Joe Hendry eventually doing something, but this “Katarina’s too hot for Grado so something must be shady” angle is getting old. It’s about time to take whatever the next step is.
Matt Sydal’s Not Afraid of Cage’s Muscles
This is a great Matt Sydal promo. Big muscles don’t matter, you see, as long as your third eye’s open. Alicia’s facial expressions also bring a lot to the table. No girl ever wants to be cornered by a white guy explaining what Eastern mysticism has done for him, and that’s pretty much the essence of Matt’s heel persona.
oVe Defeated Pentagon Jr., Fenix, and Rich Swann
This was a great match that built toward Pentagon and Sami’s Mask vs Hair match at Slammiversary, but I found myself wishing somebody besides Rich Swann was in it. Not just because I still think Swann’s probably an abuser and almost definitely a jerk (although yes, that’s definitely a factor), but also because another Luchador (Fantasma, maybe?) teaming with the brothers would have seemed more cohesive. Anyway, it’s behind us now, and the Slammiversary match is going to be fire.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, for the Slammiversary go home show.
