Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week was the Go Home Show for Sunday’s excellent Slammiversary PPV.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for July 26, 2018.
Tessa Blanchard defeated Rebel
Rebel is the very definition of a jobber, but she got enough offense in this match to make it feel like Tessa accomplished something by beating her. After all, Rebel is bigger than Tessa, as commentary kept reminding us, and Tessa had to catch her showing off for the crowd to be able to get the upper hand.
This is exactly the sort of thing I like to see from Tessa Blanchard. She’s pretty big herself, and she’s certainly intimidating, but she doesn’t just run through her opponents without effort. Tessa works hard for every victory, and that doesn’t contradict her confidence in being the best, because that’s what being the best means.
The other thing I like to see from Tessa is when she’s really mean, like yelling at the ref to get out of her way, or kicking dirt onto Rebel’s prone body as she leaves the ring. Commentary raises the idea that Tessa’s probably next in line to face Su Yung for the Knockouts Title, but that’s obviously not a done deal yet. Putting her against Su right now is a great idea, because it furthers the story of Tessa getting between Allie and Su, and because it gives Tessa an early shot at the title which feels earned because she’s come into the company with so much momentum. But Tessa can lose to a supernatural monster without looking weak, and then when a babyface eventually wins the title, Tessa will inevitably come knocking again.
Scarlett Bordeaux is here, and oh god
Woo boy, this one’s complicated. So Scarlett Bordeaux is here, and her thing is that she’s really hot and proud of it. But she also wants to be a “women’s activist,” take part in the women’s revolution, and be an inspiration to little girls. This awkward mix is obviously intended at least in part as a finger in the eye of WWE and their treatment of their own women’s division.
However, it’s the sort of thing where if you’re not calibrating the satire very, very carefully, you end up just doing the thing you meant to make fun of. Still, there are some surprisingly smart people backstage at Impact — like Gail Kim and Jimmy Jacobs — who might actually be able to make this into something interesting. In any case, I’m curious to see how Scarlett meshes with the other Knockouts, none of whom are really doing this “look how hot I am” thing these days.
As far as my own feeling go on what Scarlett’s doing, I’m a little conflicted. Obviously I’m a feminist, and I come at wrestling from that direction. However, I do think a clueless sex-positive feminist heel character could work in theory. Scarlett is talking about real issues that matter, but framing them in a shallow and self-aggrandizing way, and that’s a valid source of heat.
The problem is that a lot of viewers are just going to see her as a parody of feminists, or highly feminine sexualized women, or some combination of the two. It would work better, in my opinion, if she seemed less clueless and more like she’s just so dedicated to her sex-positive ideology that she really does think that being “The Smoke Show” is the best way to be a role model to young women. How she’s booked in the coming weeks — and what more she has to say — will make a big difference, so we’ll see how things shake out.
Allie has coffin-related regrets
As Allie correctly points out, there is no shame in being defeated by Tessa Blanchard, because Tessa’s one of the best. What Allie’s ashamed of is being distracted by Tessa while Su Yung defeated Madison Rayne and put her in a coffin. Madison’s current status is left up in the air, but Allie feels that it’s fallen to her to defeat the Blood Princess before any more women get stuffed in coffins. Fortunately she’s not alone, because Kiera Hogan wants to help.
I like when babyfaces are genuinely heroic, which is more rare these days than it seems like it should be. As I said before, the path to Su is going to lead directly back through Tessa Blanchard (and probably a tag match with Scarlett Bordeaux at some point), but all of this is the kind of unified booking of a women’s division that I love to see. Book all of that plus more Taya Valkyrie, and the Knockouts will be in good shape for the next few months.
Meanwhile, in Guyville
Eddie Edwards wants a piece of Austin Aries
The show opened with a great promo from World Champion Austin Aries, in which he takes barely-veiled shots at WWE and its Superstars, explaining that to be the best in wrestling you have to be able to go where you want and fight who you want. He also says that anyone who wants to prove that they’re the best can get in the ring with him anytime.
That’s when Inheritor of Violence Eddie Edwards shows up with his Dreamer-blessed kendo stick and takes the champ down. This isn’t a feud I saw coming, but it makes sense and I’m here for it. Edwards has a new fire in his belly and nothing left to lose, so why shouldn’t he go straight to the top?
Taiji Ishimori defeated Petey Williams
This was a fine face vs. face respect match, which served to show off both guys’ skills in the wake of a multi-man match neither of them won. They shake hands and make friends after it, which is good because the beatdown from Desi Hit Squad means they’ll surely be a tag team in time for next week. Gama Singh’s a great old-fashioned heel manager (and unlike the Grand Wizard, it’s not cultural appropriation when he wears a turban), but the jury’s still kind of out on Rohit Raju and Gursinder Singh. A good match against Ishimori and Williams should do a lot to get these guys over as a heel team that matters.
Austin Aries wants a piece of Anthony Carelli… or his student
Anthony Carelli, the man formerly known as Santino Marella, was backstage with a student, talking to Alicia Atout. Austin Aries showed up and naturally wanted to fight to fight Carelli, but Carelli refused because he’s not medically cleared. Carelli’s student (who I don’t think was ever named, but it’s possible I missed it), volunteered to fight Aries instead, which Carelli clearly thinks is a bad idea.
Johnny Impact defeated Trevor Lee
Both of these guys have been out for a while (aside from Johnny’s victory in the show-opener on Sunday), and this was exactly the match they both needed to remind viewers how talented they are. Still, Johnny’s victory was inevitable, despite Lee having Caleb Konley (the Mose to his Dwight) at ringside. In fact, as great as the in-ring action was, one of my favorite parts of the match was Caleb just constantly freaking out on the outside, whether it was excitement that Trevor was winning, or frustration that he wasn’t.
After the match, Johnny delivered a very good babyface promo, in which he promised to come for the title, but only after he gets revenge on Kongo Kong (whose name he mispronounced throughout).
Eli Drake is still messing with the UK Throuple
It’s clear that Eli Drake doesn’t want to see this love triangle story between Grado, Katarina, and Joe Hendry get dragged on for too long, so he’s doing his best to accelerate it. Honestly, I’m on Drake’s side.
KM is teaching Fallah Bahh to be mean
KM says Fallah needs a mean streak so they can win more matches, and with that in mind he’s giving a master class in assholery. There’s not much to this segment, but watching KM lead Fallah around while grabbing stuff out of random people’s hands and tossing it in the floor is pretty great.
The OGz aren’t t champs, but they have belts
King, Hernandez, and Homicide are still holding onto the Tag Belts that they didn’t win at Slammiversary, which seems like an unsustainable situation. No sign of Konnan, Santana, and Ortiz this week, though. They must be recovering from their beatdown.
oVe are just loitering in men’s rooms
The Crists are trying to reassure Sami Callihan that he looks good bald (complete with a flattering comparison to Jason Vorhees). When that doesn’t work, Callihan makes himself feel better by peeing on a random guy’s leg, yelling “Tell me I’m pretty!” and shaving that guy’s head with the Crists’ help. Turns out the only thing that comforts Sami Callihan is being terrible, which we should have guessed by now.
Brian Cage defeated Matt Sydal to retain the X-Division Championship
This was a solid rematch from Sunday. Sydal looked as strong as he possibly could, readying him for whatever he does next, but the new X-Division Champion had another solid victory to further legitimize his run.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when Scarlett Bordeaux will hopefully talk less and wrestle more, and Petey Williams will almost certainly team up with Taiji Ishimori against the Desi Hit Squad.
