Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week Austin Aries beat Fallah Bahh in a surprise title match, the Lucha Brothers defeated the Cult of Lee, and we established that Scarlett Bordeaux is a devil from Hell.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for September 20, 2018.
Tessa Blanchard, International Locker Room Bully
Impact just arrived in Mexico City, so naturally Tessa Blanchard got off on the right foot by being as nasty as possible to the first luchadora she met. What she didn’t take into account is that this isn’t her city or her locker room. This is Faby Apache’s locker room, and the AAA Reina de Reinas Champion didn’t hesitate to kick the Impact Knockouts Champion right out the door.
Faby has a buzzcut right now, which is the result of losing a Mask Versus Hair Match to Lady Shani at TripleMania last month. Honestly, the bald look just makes her more intimidating. Plus, one of the great things about Tessa’s character is that she’s so blustery that she can be scared off by somebody without looking weak. Anyway, I wonder if this conflict might be building to something?
Faby Apache Defeated Alisha
I enjoy Alisha’s wrestling more and more, but not because I think she’s a particularly strong wrestler. It’s just that she looks absurdly tiny next to pretty much everyone — she’s shorter than Alexa Bliss, and about as skinny as Sasha Banks. And I’m not sure if it’s a deliberate character choice or not, but she always makes these faces that are like, “I’m doing it! Am I doing it? Wow, I can’t believe that worked!” That’s just charming.
Apache’s charm is of a very different sort, but just as palpable. Tiny Alisha never stood a chance against Ultimate Lucha Mom, but the match is long enough to show up what Faby can do. I’d like to see some other luchadoras in the ring while Impact’s in Mexico, but I also wouldn’t object to Faby Apache wrestling every week. Based on her post-match promo, I might get my wish.
The Mexican women’s champion has decided to teach the American women’s champion a lesson, and it happens in the ring next week. This match is going to rule, and I’m super here for it. Also, Faby Apache just looks like even more of a baby face when Josh Mathews has to keep subtly reminding her about the hard camera because she’s determined to talk to the actual crowd in the arena.
Scarlett Bordeaux Has Horns Now
I called it! I win. Apparently we’ll hear more from Scarlett next week, but until then just rest easy knowing that I was right.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
oVe Defeated Aerostar, Laredo Kid, and Hijo del Vikingo
The great thing about going to Mexico City is that there are a lot more luchadors around, instead of just the usual two or three. Aerostar was was the only one of this trio I know, but I really enjoyed Laredo Kid and Hijo del Vikingo as well. Even though this match didn’t really “mean anything,” it’s cool to see oVe up against some colorful guys with cool looks and fun move sets. Vikingo was particularly impressive, and I say that as someone who usually prefers the masked guys. Back-to-back high spots, triple piledrivers leading to triple near-falls— this stuff’s just fun.
Eli Drake Defeated Trevor Lee
Trevor Lee is the guy in Impact about whom I feel the most like I feel about similarly position guys in WWE: He’s great on the indies, stop making him job and let him do cool stuff! But least with Impact, he still gets to work the indies at the same time, so that’s something.
King Defeated Kronoz
This wasn’t a real match, it was just King wanting to intimidate Konnan on the way to both of them returning to the ring at Bound For Glory. So naturally he had Hernandez and Homicide soften Kronoz up before the bell so he didn’t really have to do anything. I have to say, I was a lot more impressed by King back when he was Chikara Grand Champion.
The Lucha Brothers Defeated Matt Sydal and Rich Swann
No surprise that there was some great high flying in this match. Obviously the Lucha Brothers were going to take it (especially on their home turf), but Swann and Sydal got some good offense in along the way. I’m not sure where their story is going, but teaming them up works pretty well. Also I still have issues with Rich Swann, so if this leads to him becoming a heel, I’d be into that, to be honest. And wherever it leads, at least the matches are good.
Joe Hendry Debuted a New Video
The video was all we got from this storyline this week, which is good because the videos are consistently the best part. Hendry’s dancing is amazing. It’s not that he’s bad at dancing, he’s just hilarious at it. The inclusion of Grado on Scarlett Bordeaux’s stripper pole in the video raises some questions, although I’m not sure it’s supposed to. My favorite part, though, is when Joe says “maybe not my best, but my top three friends” and then there are two other guys just standing there.
Abyss is Going into The Impact Hall of Fame
Sure, this might be the only Hall of Fame that matters less than WWE’s, but if there’s going to be one, Abyss is a natural choice. He’s one of Impacts longest-running and most loyal homegrown stars.
Austin Aries Defeated El Texano Jr. to Retain the Impact World Championship
First of all, I spoke too soon when I said that Moose had chilled out with the heel clothes, because this week he looked the most ridiculous he ever has. But like, if this that’s his thing, fine. The rainbow paint splatter and bedazzled pink visor is just a lot. I feel like Texano has never really set the ring on fire, but when you’re a little technical wrestler like AA, sometimes you just have to fight a big lumbering cowboy. Sometimes, that cowboy will whip you with a bullrope. These have always been the tropes of wrestling.
Speaking of tropes of wrestling, as soon as Johnny Impact appeared on the video screen and said that he wasn’t there, Aries to his credit knew that he was definitely there and about to attack. What nobody expected was Eddie Edwards also showing up with his favorite stick. Now that Austin has big strong guys watching his back, the baby faces who want to bring him down are just getting wilier and teaming up more. It’s a constant escalation, and it’s pretty fun to watch.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week when Faby Apache gets her shot at Tessa Blanchard, and Allie and Kiera Hogan team up against Su Yung and her Undead Maid of Honor.
