The Knockout Report: Just Leave Me In The Coffin


Impact Wrestling

Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.

Last week Tessa Blanchard won the Knockouts Championship in a Triple Threat against Su Yung and Allie.

Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for September, 2018.

Scarlett Bordeaux Is Still Evil

Last week I got excited because Katarina was mad at Scarlett and I thought there might actually be a match. None of that was even mentioned this week (although given what happened with Katarina maybe she’ll show up and blame Scarlett later). As for tonight, all Scarlett did was continue to exert her evil influence over Bobo, KM, and Fallah Bahh. I don’t want to be down on Scarlett as a performer, but it’s been like a month and a half since she debuted, and I’m baffled that they’d hire this woman just to do stuff like this. Maybe she’s just biding her time because the Knockouts Division is so full up with a title storyline that involves four women? I’ve never seen Scarlett wrestle, so I don’t know if she’s good at it, but if she’s going to be a Knockout, she really needs to do it sooner or later. I’m sorry to keep beating this drum, but I’m running out of other things to say.

Tessa Blanchard Defeated Su Yung To Retain The Knockouts Championship

Unsurprisingly, this was a hell of a good match. I love the heel vs heel dynamic between Tessa and Su, because Tessa is an unambiguously nasty heel, but she’s also a living human being who (as far as we know) doesn’t kill people, which is all it took to make her the closest thing this match had to a babyface.

I was glad the Undead Bridesmaids stayed backstage this time. They certainly add to Su’s overall sense of menace, but they’re always kind of exactly the same, and we’ve seen a lot of them. They also make the ringside area feel really crowded, which would have particularly messed with all the good outside-the-ring fighting Tessa and Su did in this match. Tessa’s known for fighting dirty, but I don’t think you can really fight dirty against a supernatural monster, so beating Su here made Tessa look particularly strong. Of course, once she finally managed to get that victory and retain the belt, the Bridesmaids showed up with the coffin and Su sneak attacked Tessa to try and put her in it. That’s the other thing about supernatural monsters — they can’t be overcome by just taking a belt from them.

Somebody Messed Up Real Bad

So here’s what happened on Pop last night if you were watching live: Su Yung dragged an unconscious Tessa toward the coffin and was in the process of putting her in it. Then there was a sudden and abrupt cut to commercial. When the show came back on, Su was gone while Allie, Kiera, and an angry Tessa were all standing around the coffin. It was pretty obvious that Allie and Kiera had made the save, but it was also obvious that we were meant to see much more than that. Thankfully the whole thing is on YouTube, so we do get to see Tessa literally standing in a coffin and yelling angrily about how she didn’t ask to be saved from death.

I usually find the low rent, old school aspect of Impact on Pop charming. I like hearing the announcers saying to stay tuned for the Thursday Night Movie, whether it’s The Karate Kid or the remake of The Karate Kid which is actually about Kung Fu for some reason. I don’t watch anything else on Pop (although I’ll admit I’m a little bit tempted by Swedish Dicks), but I like how much the experience reminds me of watching cable when I was a kid, before most channels had an ironclad theme, slick branding, and an endless supply of original shows. It meshes well with the ways in which Impact Wrestling is more like 1980s WCW than WWE has ever been.

For real though, whoever’s responsible, randomly not seeing parts of the story is not charming, it’s just annoying, and you should really try not to let that happen.

Meanwhile, In Guyville

Petey Williams Defeated Rich Swann

The real story here is that Matt Sydal distracted Swann, who he’s trying to recruit into his little X-Division spiritualism cult. It might be interesting if Swann actually did join up with Sydal for a bit, but Impact seems pretty invested in Swann as a face, so more than likely this is leading directly to a match.


Desi Hit Squad Defeated Grado and Joe Hendry

Nothing against the Desi Hit Squad (except that their gimmick at this point is pretty much that their manager hits them, which isn’t cool), but they were beside the point of this segment. Joe played a new music video about his “platonic” love for Katarina, which was honestly the funniest thing he’s done since arriving in Impact. Then after the Hit Squad won, Katarina turned on Grado and said she loved Joe, leading Joe to push her away and say “What part of platonic love don’t you understand? I just sang a song about it!”

I have somewhat mixed feelings about this. I’m glad the slow burn toward this breakup is finally over. I’m a bit disappointed that they made Katarina the bad guy here, but I’m glad there was at least a swerve to it, instead of Katarina and Joe leaving Grado in the dust to become a power couple. I toyed with putting this in the Knockouts section, since the focus was ultimately on Katarina’s actions, but ultimately this was a men’s match. Now that Katarina’s single though (and presumably a heel?) maybe she’ll return to the ring soon.

Eli Drake Defeated Stone Rockwell

Stone Rockwell apparently has a show on Twitch, but I’m too old and non-gamery to really understand Twitch, so this was my first encounter with him. He has the name of a porn star, the outfit of Indiana Jones, and a look that measures up to neither. Is it just me, or does Drake desperately need a feud with someone worth his time and promos? Open challenges, getting involved in other people’s love triangles, being completely dismissive of the Cult of Lee… none of this quite feels like what he ought to be doing.

Pentagon Jr. and Fenix are Good Brothers

I really like this promo (“little girls” comment aside), because it makes Penta and Fenix really feel like brothers who have each other’s backs, which isn’t necessarily how we’re used to seeing them on Lucha Underground, for example. By the same token, it also makes Pentagon feel like a human guy with feelings and friends, which is another thing that feels a bit new. I like how the promo is bilingual and takes advantage of Fenix’s English being better than his brother’s, and I live for the way Penta spits out Sami Callihan’s name. My point is, all of this is very good.


A Meeting of the Five Families of LAX

I’m sorry, but once Konnan and King are having a sit-down in a high-end bar with shady-looking but well dressed old men, we’re way past what my suspension of disbelief can handle in terms of pretending this wrestling faction is a literal branch of an organized crime family. That’s probably on me, because I’m totally down with all the demons and zombies in the Knockouts Division and Matt Sydal’s third eye and whatnot, but I just can’t buy into this. The upshot is that the bosses (who apparently have sway over Impact booking) declared a “final war” for Bound for Glory, which will feature Konnan and King wrestling alongside their boys, instead of outside the ring.

Johnny Impact Is Coming For The Impact World Championship

I like heel Moose a lot, I have to admit. His flashy heel clothes are maybe a little too flashy, but I guess turning heel can be like coming out as gay, where you get immediately buy rainbow socks and Pride buttons and dye your hair pink, and then over time you pull back a bit and find the balance that really works for you. Dressing in shiny golden clothes sets the new Moose apart from the old Moose, but hopefully in time he’ll find a comfortable middle ground. As we all must learn, wearing a pride flag as a cape just isn’t an everyday look.

Johnny Impact is a good babyface to run against this faction, and nothing would make me happier than seeing him fight Moose and Killer Kross on the way to his match with Austin Aries. I’m not sure where the taping timeline works with his recent injury (which may be related to how badly he was beaten up here), but I hope they get some time to build momentum for this feud.

That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week when Kongo Kong faces Brian Cage, and the Cult of Lee go up against the Lucha Bros.

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