We’ve known for a good long while that John Cena and Nikki Bella were penciled in to have a WrestleMania match against The Miz and Maryse, but I think even the biggest proponents of that match (me) weren’t aware the build-up was going to be so damned fun. On Tuesday’s Smackdown, The Miz and Maryse debuted “Total Bellas Bullsh*t,” a scathing satire of John and Nikki’s (almost always) on-camera relationship.
Later in the evening, Tyler Breeze also dressed up as Nikki, for a … different effect. But Miz and Maryse didn’t have to wait long for Nena (yes, their real couple name according to Total Divas fans) to fire back, as John and Nikki were two of the guests on Talking Smack. And if you thought Cena wouldn’t go in on Miz and bring his finest, “serious John Cena voice” promo, you’d be wrong. On an evening where Lance Catamaran went toe-to-toe with Chett Chetterfield, there was no more fitting end to said promo than a Tex Ferguson quote.
And here’s a handy dandy transcript of the meat of the promo, in case you need some help memorizing this diatribe and storing it in your brain alongside the Prototype’s immortal “genetic lunchbox” promo. (Thanks to our friends at Cageside Seats for writing down all these words, including “baby shoe” and “poop.”)
“Congratulations Mike. You did your best work tonight. And congratulations Maryse. You finally did work. I know this is Talking Smack, and she [Nikki]’s being polite, but I may hit you in the nose with it.
You got one more week. One more week to make fun of me for how I look, how I live and who I am. Congratulations. That’s something that every single WWE Superstar does, and I’m used to it. You gave me a nice laugh tonight. Thing is … after the week’s over? Then you go back to being Mike.
So tell all your jokes, please, because they were entertaining — I laughed with everybody. But we all know that Mike is softer than a shoe full of baby crap. Mike couldn’t crush a grape in a fruit fight. And Sunday [April 2], you’ll have nowhere to run, and no jokes to tell, and you have to be Mike.
And Mike is the guy who holds his own TV show and yells at the top of his lungs “look at me, look at me, because I’m must see”. And Mike is the guy, that at the top of his lungs will tell everybody he doesn’t need the WWE because he will be a superstar somewhere else, as an actor — or anything else that he claims to be. Mike is the guy that screams at the top of his lungs that he is the it couple.
I’m just happy to stand alongside the woman I love and keep pushing forward doing exactly what I love. So dude. You got seven days. And I know what you’re gonna come up with is gonna be good, cause I’m low-hanging fruit. I’m an easy target, and I’ve been taking it on the chin for a decade, and I’m still here — moving forward. Because that’s what I do.
The words ‘rise above hate’ are what you would call a ‘catchphrase’. That doesn’t exist with me. Everything you see me wearing means something to me, and it means something to those that identify with me. You’re on the wrong side of the fence. I’ve been dealing with that my whole life.
Here’s the thing. If you’re good at something, you’re gonna tell everybody. If you’re great at something — they’ll tell you. And your tip of the cap to us tonight? Was your way of letting us know we’re great.
And I’m gonna leave you with this. You’re not the it couple. You’re the shhhh … it couple. And to steal a quote from Tex Ferguson, you gonna be counting the lights, cowboy.”