Kevin Owens Is A Perfect WWE Bad Guy Because Dads Are A-holes

I’d like to apologize to most of my single, childless friends and family about what I’m about to say: I don’t give a sh*t about 93 percent of the things you tell me through the course of a conversation. About five seconds into our conversation, I ask myself, “is this relevant to my life and how to make my family’s life better?” If the answer is “no,” then I tune out everything you say. Because, well, it’s pretty irrelevant to me.

Here’s why: since I became a dad and the head of a household, nothing else really matters. Not your crappy first date, your new puppy, your mom’s colonoscopy or even that trip to Aruba you had to cancel. I don’t give a sh*t. Because I’m a dad. And dads are a$$holes.

What makes Kevin Owens so brilliant is that he’s tapping into what makes dads jerks and he’s saying all of the things we’re thinking to ourselves when other people talk. While his best friend is talking about achieving his dream, Owens is thinking about how his friend needs that money and better life less, because he’s single and of no use to society. So Owens is entitled to it more because he’s changing diapers and putting up with bulls*t all day. Owens probably has a mentality that men without kids should have their incomes capped because how much money can they possibly really need? And men without kids don’t deserve good fortune. They get to sleep at night. Screw them. So instead of silently having these horrible thoughts, Owens power bombs his friend on the apron and takes what he deserves. If you’ve ever bragged about anything to your dad friends, your dad friend has stopped listening and is only dreaming about your spine getting cracked by the side of a ring.

The thing about Owns is that, while he’s trying to make it seem like he’s justified in his selfishness – the truth is, dads know we’re being selfish. We want our families to be better off than everyone else’s. There are limited openings in schools, summer camps and piano lessons and if your kid misses these things so my kid can…well, sorry. We’re trained as parents to have a dog-eat-dog mentality about our kids vs. other people’s families – so other families and livelihoods become expendable. It’s basically like the Avengers comic book storyline where they had to either choose to destroy a world or have both get ruined. Kevin Owens is pretty much Namor.

And it’s great. I’m sure Owens is having a blast, too, because he gets to say and act how he was probably thinking while paying bills and watching guys on NXT live out their dreams.

Owens is embracing every a$$hole nature of fatherhood, even on RAW he was upset that his kid was a Cena fan. On the surface this is heel tactic 101. But the deeper motivation is Asshole Dad 101. Kevin Owens is one of those dads who doesn’t want his kid to believe in Santa Claus because the idea of some other man swooping in and bringing his kids joy is infuriating. Owens gets his damn kids awake in the morning, changes diapers and pays bills but his son still has the audacity to cheer for some guy who doesn’t even win matches for real. Eventually, resentment to the kid’s hero settles in for the asshole dad. Unlike the rest of us who can’t go beat LeBron in basketball or beat Obama in an election, Owens gets to go to the WWE and kick Cena’s ass.

Owens is a jerk. He’s in the WWE for “selfish” reasons, possibly using his kids to justify his dickishness. But it’s a beautiful story, because he’s just a dad. And dads are assholes. Owens is using the deepest, darkest thoughts of a dad to become the biggest heel in wrestling. It’s really illuminating to see my own sh*tty thoughts laid out in front of me on RAW.

Then, the swerve of all swerves comes when you actually do see pics of Owens’ kids. You see his son flipping out over the thought of dad wrestling John Cena and suddenly you forget. You just see a son who loves his dad no matter what and it starts to make sense that a dad would genuinely do anything for him. Even if that means destroying his best friend or killing a super-hero.

It’s beautiful storytelling and a reminder that I should maybe call some of my friends… I haven’t paid attention to them in a really long time.