Previously on the Over/Under on Lucha Underground: They Call Him Cage crushed Lorenzo Lamas’ head with a mystical electrical Power Glove. Other things happened on the show, but seriously, let me type this again: Cage crushed a dude’s head with a special effects mitten. And it ruled.
Note: We’re a week behind on these because I was out of town last week, and am relocating from Austin to Los Angeles this week. And yes, that means that when Lucha Underground season 4 happens, I’m gonna be in every single crowd shot.
If you need to catch up on the rest of the episodes — if you aren’t caught up, you should need to catch up — you can read about season 1 here, and season 2 here. Season 3 episode recaps can be found here.
Hit those share buttons! Make sure to spread the column around so people can share in our love of all things Lucha, and encourage folks to finally bite the bullet and watch the first two seasons on Netflix. It’s on Netflix. You can take a break from being disappointed by the latest season of Orange Is The New Black to watch a dragon fight a spaceman.
And now, the Over/Under on Lucha Underground season 3, episode 23, originally aired on June 21, 2017.
Over/Under: Michael Bay’s Lucha Underground
Lucha Underground loves its Fenix romance angles. Way back in season 1 they had Catrina falling in love with him for the very modern love reason of, “he’s the exact opposite of my current boyfriend,” and now they’ve got him flirting with Melissa Santos. That’s a good way to get your head smooshed by a Satanic gauntlet, buddy. But yeah, episode 23 opens with the most Transformers-ass scene in the history of the show, as Fenix drives up in his pristine muscle car, flirts with a beautiful woman trapped in a situational wind machine, and tries not to be blinded by the room full of lens flares. All it needed was a child looking up wistfully at an American flag to be full Michael Bay.
The scene’s here to establish that Marty ‘The Moth’ Martinez, famous for his kidnapping and emotional manipulation of Sexy Star, is now obsessed with doing the same to Melissa. He smashes his head through a window because Melissa and Fenix have a conversation in a garage. Hey, we’ve all been there.
Later in the show, before his match with my dude Saltador, we find out that Marty has a dedicated stalker wall for Melissa:
Hang on, that’s not it.
Getting warmer …
There we go.
I like that the on-screen graphics make Marty’s wall look like he’s obsessed with Melissa Santos, is staying on-brand with proper hashtags, and can’t wait to see MAN AT ARMS: Art Of War, this Thursday on El Rey Network. Marty gets a strong win over Salty with a … what is that, a Dominator into a Codebreaker? Marty wins with his WWE 2K create-a-finisher, and moves on to round two of the Cueto Cup. I spend most of the match wishing more of the show was about the Rabbit Tribe.
Also, how great is Marty that he can be the weirder wrestler in a match against a guy in a checkered morphsuit?
This week’s main event is Fenix vs. Mariposa, so of course it’s all a set-up for Marty to run out afterward and start some shit. Fenix does a good job making Mariposa look like a threat, but come on, the Cage vs. Vinnie Massaro match I’m about to breeze through had more drama. Mariposa can barely operate in her Shatterstar helmet.
But yeah, Fenix wins, so Marty runs out and attacks him. Fenix manages to take out both Moths with a dive, once again winning the heart of the ring announcer. That’s all well and good, but seriously, we watched her shoot boyfriend kill the Renegade last week. And Melissa’s only other character interactions are with a nutso stalker family and a pissed-off ninja skeleton that wants to break her arms. Watch your ass.
Over: The Rabbit Wolverine
Speaking of the precious baby Rabbit Tribe, they’re still trying to enlist Proposed White Rabbit Mascarita Sagrada into their crew as an Earthbound mini-God. He’s not playing ball, but brother, if we don’t see Mascarita Sagrada in bunny ears carrying a wicker basket with some plastic grass in it before the show’s over, I want my money back.
Mascarita has a competitive, entertaining Cueto Cup first round match with PINDAR, aka the Penis of the Dragon. This is as close as pro wrestling should ever get to a penis man wrestling a child-sized opponent. I mean, unless you count Kenny Omega as a penis man. Mascarita loses spectacularly after this move, which Vampiro compares to hanging out a beach towel to dry:
The good news is that the Rabbit Tribe gets a little shine back in the next episode.
Over: Wrestler Murals
The Pure Sports Build of Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Johnny Mundo for the Lucha Underground Championship continues. This week, we get the SPECTACULAR juxtaposition of Rey as a fixture of his community, jogging around high-fiving people and sitting under a mural of himself someone who loves him painted, and Johnny Mundo, stuck in a dojo by himself, talking himself up while his two friends film him. It’s the classic story of an asshole who demands to be loved hating the person who gets it without trying. Love it.
Over: RIP Vinnie Massaro
Despite it looking on paper like the tournament’s biggest GOD VS. CAN scenario, Cage vs. Vinnie Massaro is also a lot of fun, and Vinnie actually gets a hope spot somewhere in the middle. But then he throws it all away by trying to hit Cage with Cage’s own Ultimate Opportunity Carapace. Why would you do that? Last week he couldn’t even take the thing off, and it willed him to MURDER.
Vinnie spits in the face of (a) God and pays for it, eating a Steiner Screwdriver before having his face punched in and getting chokeslammed from the apron to the floor. Silver lining, Lucha Underground doesn’t yet have the production capabilities or censors go-ahead and graphically crush a man’s skull in the middle of a wrestling match. Wait until they get Walking Dead popular, then we’ll have to watch Cage hit a powerslam on a dude with his eyeball hanging out.