Welcome the final two hours of ULTIMA LUCHA DOS, Lucha Underground‘s season two finale. If you need to get caught up on season two or just want to know what’s going on with the card, check out our ULTIMA LUCHA DOS primer. For Ultima Lucha Dos part one, click here. For part two, click here.
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And now, the Over/Under on Lucha Underground season two, episode 26: Ultima Lucha Dos, part three of three.
Over: How Luchadores Evolve, A Lesson In Localized Cave Magicks
If you were wondering if part three of Ultima Lucha Dos was f*cking around, it starts with dark vampire lord ordering a pissed-off ninja skeleton to go into a magical cave full of alternate versions of him and kill them all to become ULTIMATE PISSED-OFF NINJA SKELETON. This is how the show begins.
So yeah, no fooling, Pentagon Jr. won’t be ready for The Monster Matanza Cueto until he goes into a Thor-style cave of indeterminate religious magicks and slaughters a bunch of other Pentagons Junior, including Vampiro cosplaying Pentagon. A little sad that when he took off Vampiro’s mask he didn’t see his own face, Darth Vader-style, but I’ll allow it. The payoff here is that Pentagon Jr. has been slain by, uh, Pentagon Jr., and now he is PENTAGON DARK. No more milk solids in your Pentagon!
I hope season three opens with Mariposa making Marty the Moth go into a pool house and kill like 10 other Marty Moths.
Over: The Trios Championship Match, Or
Under: Rick Knox, I Swear
First of all, the Trios Championship match between the “Super Friends” of Aerostar, Drago and Fenix and Worldwide Underground might’ve been my favorite on the entire show. “Entire show” meaning the past three weeks of Ultima Lucha Dos. Prince Puma vs. Rey Mysterio was better — we’ll get to that in a bit — but the Trios Championship was absolute absurdist chaos, eschewing Lucha’s normal “fight on the stairs and throw each other through windows” style for a lengthy, timing-based battle to see who could withstand being bludgeoned in the dick and butthole.
Seriously, it’s outstanding. You’ve got guys countering leapfrog attempts with kicks to the nuts, Jack Evans propping up Fenix in the corner just so he can get a running start and dive prayer-hands first into his butt, and an O’Connor roll that seriously has a dude pinned for like 20 seconds being totally ignored so Jack can elaborately jab him in the a**hole. It’s incredible.
All that said, holy sh*t, referee Rick Knox might’ve done the (kayfabe) worst refereeing job in pro wrestling history here. He’s letting blatant, Rube Goldbergian nutshots slide, but he’s counting to five on chokes. He doesn’t really seem to care who’s legal, to the point that Matt Striker’s like WELL THEY’RE CHEATING BECAUSE THE LEGAL MAN’S NOT IN THE RING, WHATEVER. He looks like a guy they pulled off the street and sad “referee this,” whose only understanding of refereeing is that when a guy’s lying on another guy in the center there you’re supposed to hit the mat a few times. Seriously, that O’Connor Roll. THAT’S A PIN, RICK KNOX. ALL OF THIS IS WRONG. I actively cheered when WWU got sick of him and just kicked him in the face.
The bad news here is that Worldwide Underground loses the match. They should’ve been Trios Champions forever and ever. The good news is that both teams rule, and even though I would’ve preferred a season of Worldwide Underground ruling Lucha Underground with an iron-tipped boot, but the new champs are pretty much as purely Lucha Great as the show gets. Plus, we have Angelico back, attacking Johnny Mundo with a crutch and adding a little clarity to that whole, “Angelico suffered an injury all of a sudden, that’s all we’re going to say about it, nothing to see here” plot point from earlier in the season.
Note: Rick Knox was knocked out for the ending cheat sprint, including the part where Angelico starting crutching folks. GET OUT HERE, REFEREE MARTY ELIAS.
Over/Under: Sorry, Rookies
El Dragon Azteca Jr. vs. Black Lotus is going really well — hey, who knew that NXT ring announcer Savannah would be a bodyguard assassin having great, athletic lucha libre matches with Rey Horus? Honestly? — when POOCHIE DARK returns and breaks both of their arms.
I’m giving it a rating somewhere in the middle because I like what happened, and I certainly enjoy a pissed-off Shadow Pentagon showing up and maiming people for fun to make a point, but I wish it hadn’t been this match. I wanted some story payoff, man, we’ve been following these mumblers around the Temple all season. What’s the resolution now, them opening season three sitting in a police station waiting room holding their arms, laughing about how they should stop worrying about prophesied tribe murders and be friends?
Over: When Dark Masters Fail
That leads to the “wait, this is happening in the middle of the show?” Lucha Underground Championship match between The Monster Matanza Cueto with The Monster’s Brother Dario Cueto against Pentagon Midnight Dark with Ian Hodgkinson, a guy who would’ve been a better dark master if Black Lotus hadn’t given him such a mentionable boner in the previous match.
The best thing about Pentagon Dark is that he’s actually SUPER POWERFUL, which is one of those things you’ve gotta just trust Lucha Underground on. They could’ve just as easily given him a new set of gear and a name they could trademark or whatever, but nope, he’s Pentagon Jr. turned up to 11. He manages to dominate Matanza for most of the match, to the point that Dario’s out here screaming for Matanza to DO IT FOR THE FAMILY. Matanza’s getting thrown into chairs and more or less being treated like Pentagon was in their first match, save for lying on the ground whimpering and throwing up the X.
There’s a great shot of the announce team with Vampiro slowly revealing his BARBED WIRE BAT OF EXTREME SEXUAL TORTURE HEALING, and he Dark Masters Up to give it to Pentagon. Right as Pentagon’s about to deliver the death blow — or the healing blow, depending on how that works … maybe you have to be suspended via hooks first — Dario runs in and shoves him down. Pentagon snatches Dario and tries to break his arm, but that frees up Matanza to grab Janice (or whatever), whack Pentagon in the back with it, and Wrath Of The Gods him for the win.
It’s disappointing to see Pentagon Milky Way Midnight Dark not get the win and the championship, but this is clearly just the next step in his story. He’s gonna get so powerful trying to slay this beast that he’s going to slay everybody.
Over: Death Becomes Her
Speaking of fantastic beasts and where to find them, Ivelisse loses her match to Taya when, get this, secretly-old ghost lady Catrina teleports into the ring and bashes her in the face with a rock.
Now, the way it happens is fantastic, and poses a number of questions. The referee is about to bring his hand down for three, and the lights go out, Sabu-style. When they come back on, the referee is gone, and Catrina’s kinda squatting there in the ring. When the interference is done, Catrina teleports away and the referee returns with his hand still about to come down for three. So the question becomes, did Catrina BECOME the referee and like, replace him physically, or was it an issue of possession where we just saw her true form? Did the referee get teleported away and frozen in time? Has Catrina always been able to teleport other people? Is this new? Wait, did she like, break time? Is it a wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing? Or just a good good, lucha … thing?
Anyway, all you need to know is that DEATH HAS COME for Ivelisse, and that now Death’s lick includes a face full of boobs. That’s not going to do great things for Vampiro’s call of literally any of this.
Also, just to say a thing we’ve said all season, Taya rules. She’s the best addition to the show in season two, and I can’t imagine how much different things would’ve been if her spot had been Melina’s. I can’t wait for season three, which I assume is about Team Havoc going post-apocalyptic to battle Death, her electric zombie henchmen, and the unstoppable guitar lord nut-kickers that keep getting in the way.
Legend. That’s all you need to know.
The pre-match video about Prince Puma’s time in Lucha Underground sums it all up. Puma is a frustrated super hero on the verge of being the best, tripped up by loss, timing, and history not moving along fast enough. He wants to face the man who originally brought him in and got him trained, Rey Mysterio Jr. Mysterio also happens to be more or less the greatest and most popular luchador of all time.
What happens is straight-forward and low on major story drama, but a wonderful play on the Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair dynamic from WrestleMania 24. Stirker ruins that a little with his I’M SORRY I LOVE YOU MOMENT calls, but it’s there. Puma thinks he’s the best, and assumes that the end to the story is him defeating Rey Mysterio and sorta “putting him away,” like a loss would bump down Mysterio’s legacy somehow. It’s weird, but a perfect sort of exaggerated millennial lucha libre tale. Not literally of course, but how do you come to terms with being better and more successful than your father? The guy who raised you and made you who you are?
Of course, the play on the trope here is that Mysterio isn’t done being the Best in the World. Puma super secretly has the biggest ego in Lucha Underground — he was once best friends with Johnny Mundo for a reason, you know — and his refusal to pull the trigger in favor of showmanship and taunting is his downfall. He tries to I’M SORRY I LOVE YOU MOMENT Rey, and it gives Rey a chance to recover. Rey is the ultimate underdog pro wrestler, maybe the most prominent and proven in the sport’s history, so of all the people in the f*cking world to give an opening, it shouldn’t be him. Mysterio capitalizes, 619s him and goes 1995 with a hurricanrana through the legs for the duke.
The ending shot of the match is Puma on his knees, dejected, as Mysterio walks up the steps with the crowd surrounding and loving him. Mysterio’s got a spotlight. That’s gotta hurt.
It’s interesting that Ultima Lucha never seems to end well for Puma. The first one ended with him losing the Lucha Underground Championship, and the second ends with him losing the match he was supposed to win to prove he was the best. He’s not the best. I don’t know how Ultima Lucha Tres ends (and don’t spoil it for me), but I’m gonna guess somewhere between “bittersweet” and “badly.”
Over: Ouch My Face
Something something things ending badly, here’s Vampiro getting his face raked off by his own failure weapon.
The last in-ring moment of the show is Pentagon After Dark jumping Vampiro from behind with the barbed wire bat, beating him bloody with it, kicking him in the face a bunch, EATING VAMPIRO’S BLOOD and then announcing that he’s the New Master. New Master duties include being empowered by Vampiro’s face blood. Does … does that turn Pentagon into a vampire? Is that how that works? Is Pentagon Dark gonna be a PISSED-OFF NINJA VAMPIRE SKELETON in season 3? OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.
Over: This Deserves An Emmy For Art Direction
The actual final moment of the episode/event/season is Dario Cueto being arrested and driven away from the Temple with police lights flashing behind him. It’s unbelievably beautiful, and a great parallel to that conveyor belt “turn the lights off” ending from season one. We see a smile as the lights fade, so either (1) Dario getting arrested is all part of the plan, (2) Dario enjoys the fact that he straight-up murdered a dude with a bull statue and is looking forward to organizing a wrestling promotion in his prison, or (3) that evil smoking limo guy and Lorenzo Lamas are gonna show up at the beginning of season three and spring him. Or murder him? I don’t even know. Maybe Matanza will leave a Mantaza-shaped hole in the wall and break him loose.
Thank you for this, Lucha Underground. Thank you for existing beyond season one, and for having an entire season three ready to go so I don’t have to worry about being a wrestling fan in a world without this.
See you next season. <3