Matt Hardy Ate A Guy On Impact And Revealed That He’s An Ancient Vampire, Or Something

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.

A lot of strange things happen on Impact Wrestling — remember when James Storm murdered Mickie James by pushing her in front of the Hogwarts Express? — but nothing’s been weirder than Matt Hardy’s descent into B-movie madness.

The Final Deletion gave us woodland fireworks battles, extraordinary xylophones and the phrase “dilapidated boat.” Also, fleets of flying robots and lawn maintenance destruction plots. But through it all, we’ve had one question: Why does Matt sound like that? What accent is he going for? Gothic Colonel Sanders? Occultist Foghorn Leghorn?

On Thursday’s episode of Impact, Hardy upped the weirdness quotient, and his explanation for why might finally explain everything. First, here’s the clip of him pulling a dude out of the crowd and trying to eat him for no reason. Dude, I don’t know.

The explanation, from Hardy:

So there you have it. Matt Hardy is what would happen if the soul of a vampire was reborn in the body of a guy from rural North Carolina, and was only given breath after 40 years of having to take care of his deadbeat yokel brother. That’s why his voice is 80 percent North Carolina, 20 percent Romania, and why all of his Machiavellian machinations involve hillbilly hobbies. Dirtbikes! Fireworks! Setting things on fire! THE DELETION OF THE DHAMPIRE BROTHER NERO.

Join us next week when Reby Sky gets cut in half and she’s full of spiders.