The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For April 7, 2016

Welcome to the first assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report of the season, wherein we get as catty and negative as possible about spoilers for a show we haven’t actually watched to lower our expectations and make it work. This week, we’re following the Raw after WrestleMania with the legendary “Smackdown after the Raw after WrestleMania.” It’s an annual event!

Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: snark aside, these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

– The show opens with Roman Reigns cutting a promo, AJ Styles interrupting, and Styles/Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens/Chris Jericho being announced for the end of the night. The good news: we’re using Smackdown main events as follow-ups to Raw mains, instead of just having everyone argue in the open of Smackdown to set it up.

1. The Vaudevillains defeated the Lucha Dragons. The United States Champion takes a pin for NXT’s 3rd or 4th most effective tag team! I was going to make a joke about Sin Cara being the Greg Grunberg of WWE, but then I remembered he was actually on WrestleMania and Kalisto was at the bottom of the Kickoff, so maybe I’ve got the relationship all wrong.

2. Natalya defeated Summer Rae. I’m sure this result is all wrong. Sorry, everyone! Natalya won with a Sharpshooter so she can Charlotte could exchange icy stares.

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (c) defeated Zack Ryder. Maryse helped Miz retain, and WWE either went to the rematch well too soon or is building to Miz vs. Ryder at Payback by doing Miz vs. Ryder twice in the first week of the cycle. Anyway, congratulations to The Miz on having the forward momentum of at least Ted DiBiase Jr.

4. Apollo Crews defeated Curtis Axel. What happens when “too easy” stops being a catchphrase and becomes an actual match description.

5. Dean Ambrose defeated Tyler Breeze. I’ll assume “defeated” here means “squashed as thoroughly as possible.” Right now Breeze is kinda like Stan Stansky in boots that look like they’re made out of a car wash.

– Primo and Epico are still smelling flowers.

6. Cesaro and AJ Styles defeated Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho. Look how NXT friendly this episode is! The Vaudevillains and the Lucha Dragons, Summer Rae, Apollo Crews, Tyler Breeze, Owens (and Cesaro, technically)! Even Zack Ryder counts. This one seems amazing, but still ends in the most Smackdown of ways, with Sami Zayn causing a distraction and Styles rolling up Kevin Owens for the win. Afterwards the Dudley Boyz attack, and Roman Reigns has to show up and save Styles. They shake hands to end the show, but it’s tense. Smackdown!