Every week, we take someone else’s Smackdown spoilers and jump to conclusions about them without any deep, emotional investment in watching the show. It’s a great way to stay positive about Smackdown!
On this week’s episode, Roman Reigns deals with the fallout from Raw by being told, “hey, we need you to miss this show, because we haven’t figured out what to do on the next Raw. Just stay outside, we’ll think of something.” Also, everything you saw on Raw for the past five weeks is done again, with slight changes. Have you ever watched the show before?
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: the stuff in bold is actual Smackdown spoilers)
– The show opened with Sheamus kicking Roman Reigns out of the arena due to an “investigation” going on, and Roman beating up some security guards. Make sure to record this so we can go back to it in a couple of years and pick out which security guards are currently main-eventing NXT TakeOver: Des Moines or whatever.
1. Alberto Del Rio defeated Ryback. Ryback was distracted by the League of Nations — including the glorious return of King Take-A-Pin — and lost to a cross armbreaker. I want to know how long they tried to teach Ryback how to hold himself up all awkwardly in a Tree of Woe before saying, “you know what, do the arm bar, it’s fine.” After the match, everybody beats up Ryback, because he’s Barry Horowitz on Bane Venom.
2. Titus O’Neil defeated Tyler Breeze. Tyler Breeze is now feuding with Goldust, apparently, which I am ALL FOR. Titus won after a distraction, which I hope was “the ghost of Darren Young.”
3. The Lucha Dragons defeated The New Day. The build to TLC was The New Day repeatedly losing to the Lucha Dragons, so the build to Royal Rumble has to be … The New Day repeatedly losing to the Lucha Dragons. Nothing hurts your win/loss record quite as much as being a WWE Champion. Kalisto pins Kofi with a rollup, and nobody ever apologizes for that bullsh*t on Monday.
4. Becky Lynch defeated Brie Bella. Becky won by — you guessed it — a distraction. In retrospect, Phantasio should’ve been the biggest star in WWE. Just have someone do magic at ringside, get distracted like a baby staring at jangling keys, and shoot the rollup. He’d have a Goldberg streak if he’d debuted in 2015.
5. Dolph Ziggler defeated Kevin Owens. Ziggler won by DQ when Owens threw him over the announce table. It’s the Jim Herd version of Extreme Rules. The match ended with Dean Ambrose showing up and everybody superkicking everybody to set up a triple threat thing. Kevin Owens has seemingly learned how to manipulate WWE babyfaces into hating each other, which is an invaluable skill.
That’s the show. Let’s get Mauro Ranallo in here and change up the format already.