The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For March 24, 2016

WrestleMania is right around the corner, so our snarky weekly recaps of Smackdown spoilers are more important than ever. You need to know what happened on Smackdown, but you don’t want to get stuck actually watching it. Find the happy medium: read about Smackdown and jump to a bunch of conclusions.

This week’s show features Brock Lesnar, and a chance to watch Tyler Breeze’s soul float away and dissipate into nothingness.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are mostly actual Smackdown spoilers)

1. Sasha Banks defeated Charlotte. As you know, the best way to build a championship match is to do it a bunch of times and let the challenger pin the champion without winning the belt. Becky Lynch beat them up after the match, because even very good Divas don’t get to have consistent characters.

2. Sheamus defeated Kofi Kingston. Remember when Sheamus was WWE World Heavyweight Champion? That sh*t was in DECEMBER. Now he needs the help of two guys to beat Kofi Kingston. I’m not complaining about the loss of a Sheamus push or anything, but yo, December.

3. The Usos defeated The Ascension. The Ascension join Fandango in reminding you they exist this week. The Usos put them through tables after the match. They need a “D-Von, get the tables” type catchphrase, though. Might I suggest, “Uce got buttslammed!”

4. Sami Zayn and Dolph Ziggler defeated The Miz and Kevin Owens. This ends with everyone from the Intercontinental Championship ladder match showing up and hitting their finishers, ending with Zack Ryder standing tall. Yes, this is real life. The Royal Rumble is going to be great!

5. Roman Reigns vs. Bubba Ray Dudley ended in a double count-out. Gotta protect those Dudley Boyz. The match ends when they brawl around outside and both get counted out, and then Roman remembers he’s Roman and just beats them both.
* Backstage comedy segment with Goldust and R-Truth.

– Ryback cut a promo. Get hype.

6. AJ Styles defeated Tyler Breeze. Breeze lost to a Phenomenal Forearm, because he’s still two or three years away from being important enough to lose via Styles Clash. When John Cena comes back, he should start pinning people with the jumping shoulderblocks.

– Paul Heyman cuts a promo on Dean Ambrose, which ends with Ambrose and Brock Lesnar teaming up to beat up the Wyatt Family. Let’s hope Luke Harper was there and moving around fine. The point of this, we assume, is to remind wrestling fans that oh, right, the Wyatts are interfering in the match at Mania. The show ended with Ambrose attacking Lesnar with a stick, and Lesnar just kinda picking him up and throwing him at the ground.