The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For May 5, 2016

Smackdown spoilers. You need them because you want to know what’s going on, but you don’t want to watch Smackdown. We’ve got them. Well, technically somebody else got them, and we just copied and pasted them onto our site and added a bunch of pessimistic jokes. It’s a breakneck, bulletproof formula. Please enjoy knowing what happens on Smackdown!

On this week’s show: Donald Trump jokes and Roman Reigns beating everybody.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

– Smackdown starts with no scheduled matches. Thank God the Highlight Reel turns into The Miz and Sami Zayn fighting, so Smackdown can have some wrestling on it!

1. Sami Zayn defeated The Miz. This week’s Smackdown is just a 50/50 inverted version of Monday’s Raw. At Payback, The Miz vs. Cesaro ended with Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens getting involved. On Raw, Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens ended with The Miz interfering and Sami Zayn making the save for Cesaro. On Smackdown, Zayn vs. Miz ends with Kevin Owens interfering and Cesaro making the save for Zayn. Next Monday, Cesaro wrestles Clone Cesaro and three Kevins Owens interfere.

2. The Vaudevillains defeated Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel. After the match, Big Cass shows up to powerbomb everybody, including the Social Outcasts, because he is ULTIMATE VENGEFUL BABYFACE. Bo Dallas mentions that he was once NXT Champion, but nobody’s listening.

3. Natalya and Becky Lynch defeated Emma and Charlotte. Natalya taps out Emma to the Hart Family Sharpshooter because she is Nattie Hart, Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart’s most successful and beloved biological daughter. Sasha Banks mentions that she was once NXT Women’s Champion, but nobody’s listening.

3. Rusev defeated Zack Ryder. Ryder looked pretty good on Monday, which means we get three to five weeks of him looking as bad as possible. Here, he gets squashed by Rusev until Kalisto makes the save. After the match, Ryder is forced to watch Kalisto and Eve Torres make out, probably.

– R-Truth, Goldust, Tyler Breeze and Fandango has a backstage futility dance party.

– Darren Young is being repackaged and managed by Bob Backlund, with the catchphrase “Make Darren Great Again.” Not a joke. This sounds great, but not as good as those “Titus O’Neil is the Zodiac Killer” commercials. That’s what those are, right?

4. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson vs. The Usos ends Teddy Long style, with AJ Styles and Roman Reigns getting involved. All available players then hold on a minute, because the tag team match becomes a TAG TEAM MATCH.

5. Roman Reigns and The Usos defeated Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson and AJ Styles. Like I said, inverted Raw. Reigns spears Anderson for the pin. The show ends with some intense staredowns, which are always best after the people involved have had several matches in a row.