WWE held a WrestleMania 32 ticket release party inside AT&T Stadium on Thursday, and one of its most legendary Superstars got a little too comfortable. In an interview with The Dallas Morning News, Stone Cold Steve Austin suggested that the secret to the Cowboys’ success until QB Tony Romo recovers from a broken collarbone is subbing in Stone Cold Steve Austin as quarterback.
In case you were planning to make the joke yourself, Austin said he’d be good at football because he’s so good at catching thrown beers.
“I tell you what, I got some time on my hands. I could be there Sunday, playing the Philadelphia Eagles. I think I can line ’em up, throw for about 300, 400 yards. Get Witten open, get Dez working. A lot of underneath routes. Give McFadden the ball a few times. Maybe do a little end-around, fake the reverse pitchout, let me run downfield and Darren can throw me the ball. About 60 yards out, catch it in full stride and boom, spike it over the damn goalpost.
“Y’all saw me catch all those beers all those years, damn-near never dropped any of them. You know how much money I could have made playing professional football as a tight end? But I can’t jump and I can’t run fast. That was my problem.”
On the Cowboys, sans a roughneck dude in jean shorts and a leather vest leading them down the field:
“Yeah I’m a Cowboys fan. I’m waiting for Tony Romo to come back, they’re in harms way. They got to get Romo back in the lineup. Hopefully his collarbone is healed up. … It’s a tough season for them, they’ll rebound. They’ll get it all together. I hated to see DeMarco Murray go. I was a big fan of his. He was kicking ass, too.”
Be sure to watch the entire video, if only for the second where he details why he’s terrified of monkeys. You’ll never think of “big ass orangutans” the same way again.