Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend.
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Previously: Slammiversary 15 was a legitimately good pay-per-view from top to bottom. It would be crazy for Impact to squander that momentum!
EH: Impact Squanders That Momentum
Cue the It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia theme.
This week’s Impact begins with LAX in the cut, talking about their secret new member (only Konnan knows the person’s identity) and how they’ll have “the best hand in the house tonight” because of it. He also makes that “blue pill”/”hard” comment again, because sometimes you can’t be “serious like a late period.” Sometimes. Then we go through a video recap of how awesome Slammiversary was, and it seems the hypeness will never end. Then, even the first 30 seconds of Impact commentary are peaceful and respectable, and even if it means the Slammiversary match was a magical fix, that’s okay, because at least it’s over.
But it’s not over. And nothing matters. Don’t let Alberto El Patron’s show opening celebration fool you: Nothing matters and Slammiversary barely changed anything, Impact problem-wise. At least not now, anyway. And as Josh Mathews talks about the changes that will happen for Impact, he starts by saying they’ll be about six weeks. Or maybe it’s about seven weeks. Or possibly even eight weeks. Maybe it’s just me — and I’m not being self-centered, I just like a reason to mention the one season WB series — but doesn’t Impact kind of always feels like it’s changing? If everything about the show is changes and promises of changes, then what exactly is the show in the first place? I’m not trying to get existential about a wrestling show, but when you think about how long Impact has cheated death and gone on to exist in one form or another, it’s difficult not to think about all the promises of changes. Once the GFW merger fully comes through, then what? What will be the next promise of change then?
EH: When You Assume, You Make A Trasero Out Of … I Didn’t Really Think This Through
It’s a celebration! Alberto doesn’t explain why his people only choose to celebrate with one bottle of champagne and no glasses, but I guess the point is he’s so hungover he doesn’t even notice? It’s cool the Impact champion makes references about being a drunk mess on social media, right? (At least Kurt Angle would always just say he was “hacked,” but whatever.) I don’t know — Josh Mathews brings up “his fiance Paige” and then I think I blacked out over not know whose house Impact truly was.
Anyway, now Lashley has Alberto’s respect for life, which we’re all sure will totally be reciprocated, just like the respect Alberto is willing to have for his future opponents. You see, Alberto is a fighting champion, which means he’ll even let Impact Zoners challenge him for his title. My advice? Don’t make that kind of declaration in Orlando unless you’re willing to deal with a drunk amusement park attendee who says, “You’re not as big as you are.”
By the way, I guess Alberto’s brother is going to be wrestling for Impact soon, so that should be fun. I mean, his name is El Hijo De Dos Caras, but he’s only referred been to as “my brother” or “Alberto El Patron’s brother” since the original introduction at Slammiversary, so that’s a good start, right?
Then in comes Lashley, playing a black Republican version of himself that Carlton Banks would be completely embarrassed by. First of all, Lashley looks absolutely naked without a title, even though he actually dresses up for once in a collared shirt and slacks instead of a Impact shirt with the sleeves cut off and basketball shorts. Dress for the job you want, I guess. (Though, Alberto wore a suit, so maybe Lashley actually wants the Grand Championship.)
In 2016, I saw a lot of people (well, the ones also still watching Impact) practically tripping over themselves to talk about how great of a talker Lashley had become, and while he’s finally at a passable level, I just don’t see it. Most of his promos — when he doesn’t just have to get to the point — basically reveal just how corny he is, and now we have racially and politically-fueled comments to go along with that. Plus, apparently Lashley can’t come up with anything other than “fluke” when it comes to people beating him — even though the Slammiversary video packages leading up to the title match were all about how Lashley losing meant he played himself — which is an argument that may have worked for Eddie Edwards, but holds no weight against Alberto. If Lashley starts going on about how the crowd hates him because of the way he talks and the way he looks, then we’ll truly know he has no more material.
EH: Bruce Ain’t Got No Job
Bruce Prichard no-showed Slammiversary, so it’s a good thing this week’s Impact follows up on that even a little.
Wait a minute. It doesn’t follow up on that at all. (The Impact YouTube does, but … Maybe that’s not the point?) In fact, we get an “Earlier Today” segment with Bruce — who’s still keeping Tyrus as his bodyguard for seemingly no reason other than to prove I’ve been right about how “Actually, he’s bad.” he is — and the commentary team. His purpose? To ask Josh Mathews and Jeremy Borash, “Are you done?” Um, shouldn’t he know this? Shouldn’t their Slammiversary match have actually had a stipulation like that? You know, like the original multi-man tag match they had that did nothing? Bruce’s “action” is to tell them the India rules still apply and there is to be no fighting or bickering between the three of them (Pope is roped into this instead of a seminar on how “in agreeance” is NOT A THING). Only, after those 30 seconds I mentioned before, Josh gets back to antagonizing and bickering on commentary; and of course it only gets worse as the episode continues.
And yes, just like I feared during Slammiversary, Josh makes sure to say “National Football League” on commentary instead of “NFL.”
At this point, I don’t even think Bruce Prichard works at Impact Wrestling. He just showed up, had name recognition, and everyone thought he had a job. EC3 seems to be the only person who has actually realized this con job.
ACE: Know Your Role, Dutt
WWF SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role was not a great wrestling video game, but it did provide one of the greatest random storylines in the history of (wrestling video games): that thing where one of your opponents just steals your championship title from you when you’re in the middle of a backstage segment. However, Trevor Lee, a true modern day genius, decides not to even wait until Sonjay Dutt gets to the back. Instead, he jumps Sonjay and steals the X-Division title before the real champ can even celebrate. So, Trevor Lee snapped. I’ll let y’all know next week if he brought the X-Division title to PWG.
EH: I Said America!
You know how WWE (usually) likes to just do nothing notable on trips to the UK or holiday shows like Christmas or July 4? Well, Impact and Eddie Edwards apparently decide “Fourth of July season” is an actual thing, even though this episode airs — and yes, I know it’s pre-recorded — two days after July 4. The only one who’s still celebrating the holiday like it’s a “season” is that jerk who’s been setting off fireworks since May.
If it turns out Eddie Edwards is that type of guy, then Davey Richards was 100% justified in everything he did.
As inconsequential as this eight-man tag team match is, that’s the reason I’m so angry: It’s so damn inconsequential. Eddie Edwards just won a blood feud, and he’s stuck in this match, with the only evidence that he’s an “important guy” being that he’s one of the people who gets an entrance. And his entrance really only exists to make sure we really know he’s in tight with the Swole Mates. (Maybe Eddie Edwards’ character is actually a person I would never want to know? I don’t even know anymore.)
Again, this Impact airs two days after July 4. And it’s American pride match is all about a Scottish wrestler being the epitome of USA and two American wrestlers being on the foreign side because, I don’t know, I guess Impact really did take Eli Drake at face value about wanting to stay in India. Then there’s Fallah Bahh and Mario Bokara, who I want to call Baron Dax and B.A. Baracus (no, I’m never going to remember the actual name Impact used for him), because, honestly? Every time Jeremy Borash says “Fallah Bahh and Mario Bokara,” I end up even more confused than when I just read the names for myself.
I’m fairly certain he is saying those names wrong in different ways each time he says them, so I’ll just wait until I can remember their names on my own. Like with Baron Dax and B.A. Baracus, it will probably be once they’re no longer with the company. Commentary doesn’t know the difference between Mayweather and Wilcox, despite the fact that one of them has worked at this company on and off for years. I mean, it’s understandable for the viewers, because Veterans of War are so basic, they’re now lying about their “winning ways,” as though they didn’t lose their one title shot to LAX. At one point, Pope just gives up and starts calling wrestler “the other guy.” No, this is not some subtle plug for The Other Guys as a POP TV post-Impact movie. (Besides, The Other Guys is a USA Network staple.)
This is the type of match I would just fast-forward pre-these recaps, making my Impact experience shorter and much more pleasant. I’d never see a Veterans of War match; I’d never have to go through another Impact Grand Championship match; Lashley could MAGA through a whole episode of Impact and I’d never know … How did I get here?
And then there’s Grado. Fun fact: I don’t care for Grado. I know that’s probably strike two for me after my WeeLC comments, but to me, Grado is probably the human version of WeeLC. Only he’s not just a one-time thing, and so now I have to write about it instead of just my usual shoehorning in of WeeLC discussion. One more for the road: WeeLC. The Impact crowd pops for him, which I won’t begrudge, but they don’t have to listen to Pope continue to call him “Grotto” and double up with Josh Mathews on calling the guy terrible. By the way, that commentary doesn’t make me sympathize with Grado — it just makes me want to go back to those fastforward days.
So after the match, we learn that Joseph Park is apparently back to normal — nothing matters! — and also has some back news for Grado. Oh yeah, Grado has legal troubles. And I guess Joseph Park is the only lawyer in Impact’s world? Not even a fake indy wrestler lawyer? Or a Claire Lynch lawyer? (If you want to talk Impact nonsense that I care for, let’s talk about Claire Lynch and “THIS BABY,” folks.) Also, exactly what kind of law does Joseph Park practice? He seems to be all over the place.
THIS IS SOMETHING: Get Ready For Dick Jokes In These Recaps
Wrestler Dick Justice found his way into the end of that “4th of July season” promo, squatting in the dark (a rejected Hoobastank song). And then …
EH: Swole Mates
No.
ACE: All Aboard The B.S. Express
If you read these recaps — say hi if you do! — you know that I’ve been wondering what Braxton Sutter’s deal is for a while. He and Caleb Konley are basically at the top of my Impact “What is their deal?” list, alongside the general concept of the Suicide character. Despite another solid in-ring performance, Konley’s appearance on this week’s Impact didn’t do much to move him off the list, but good ol’ Braxton Sutter might not be long for this world. You know why? Because this week’s show gives us a pretty good idea what Braxton Sutter’s deal is. You guys: Braxton Sutter’s deal is that he’s a monster.
I knew something had to be up once Impact decided to seemingly do a face versus face match with someone as peaceful as Matt Sydal and someone as beloved as Braxton Sutter. Then Josh Mathews started going on about how “cool” the B.S. Man (which I guess is like the Bye Bye Man) was — for having the “killer instinct” to just plain dump a woman on their wedding day — was, and the writing was on the wall. Soon, Allie will find herself solemnly singing the lyrics to “Bills, Bills, Bills” to herself, and I’d say that no one wants that, but … well, that sounds pretty amazing. But
On the one hand, trouble in paradise is not something anyone should wish on Allie. On the other, Allie is literally the only thing that has ever been likable about Braxton Sutter. His stupid hat, his jean vest, his nose stud, the fact that his name is “Braxton. Sutter.”, his “I’m just happy to be here”-next. He’s physically what Eddie Edward’s personality apparently is. Plus, it’s always been a matter more of “when” than “if” the artist formerly known as Pepper Parks is going to turn heel on Impact; Allie’s overness (and I’m still so impressed by how great of a babyface Cherry Bomb is) may have delayed that, but now we can go so many places. Will Braxton eventually use Allie’s naivete to manipulate her? Will he just be the angry B.S. man and make us all want her to leave him? Will Sienna and company have Maria Kanellis Skype in from SmackDown to give Allie a big heaping dose of “I TOLD YOU SO?”
By the way, my autocorrect apparently knows “Kanellis.” What a mark. It doesn’t know “Sienna” though.
ACE: SUPER. X. FUNKY. FRESH.
Let the record reflect that I am literally the only wrestling critic in the world who would find a way to make a vague reference to the musical stylings of Kat Graham.
This week’s Impact may not be great, but it certainly has something great in the return of the Super X Cup and the announcement of its participants. Commentary brings up “the evolution of the X-Division” during the first first round match-up, and that’s exactly the type of thing I want to hear. That and the answer to “What’s ACH doing in the Impact Zone?!” The answer is, wowing the crowd with his wrestling abilities. It’s not a flashy answer, but that’s because I’m saving the flash for ACH’s actual in-ring performance.
But seriously, this is a line-up people should be talking about. We’ve got: Sammy Guevara (WrestleCircus), Drago (AAA), Taiji Ishimori (NOAH), Davey Richards (Impact), ACH (AAW), Andrew Everett (Impact and presumably any and all “Big Dogs”), Desmond Xavier (Impact), and Idris Abraham (Impact and The Can-Am Dojo). Abraham is the biggest unknown quality of this tournament — and his fate is obviously sealed with that — but this is a dope line-up, and the only thing I really hate about it is that there aren’t more than eight participants. And the Impact crowd is feeling it too, as they’re already ready to crown Drago the king of everything X. I like it a lot.
EH: Up Is Down, Down Is Up, Wolves Are … Still Wolves, I Guess
You’re telling me loser Davey Richards gets into the Super X Cup, but Eddie Edwards doesn’t and is instead stuck in an eight-man tag with a bunch of nobodies? Alright then. Also, unlike Eddie, Davey is actually selling the effects of Full Metal Mayhem — Davey Richards is selling the effects of anything — so I guess I just like Davey Richards more than Eddie Edwards now? The ranking goes: Davey Richards > Alisha Edwards (honestly, she was a ring general at Slammiversary) > Eddie Edwards > Angelina Love. And honestly, that Eddie ranking is iffy, but Angelina Love hasn’t ever really done much for me as an Impact fan. (If we’re ranking The Beautiful People, she has a better chance, though.)
ACE: Enjoy It While You Can, Abraham
Idris Abraham is such the poster child for tournament fodder (and No Way Jose cosplay) that I almost felt bad for the guy… until I watched him work. The one time he actually impressed me — and the Impact Zone — got a much deserved “YOU STILL SUCK” chant. Apparently this guy’s been here since March, with the ones I now call Baron Dax and B.A. Baracus but I think I’d remember that ‘fro and need to yell about something or other after every move he hits.
Seriously, who are any of these people? Which one’s Blake? Which one’s Murphy?
Desmond Xavier, on the other hand, continues to impress, and he’s the type of guy that’s guaranteed to have a good match with anyone else moving forward. With Abraham, there was honestly nothing resembling a guarantee. But I’m willing to see how he progresses, for sure.
EH: Announce Your Announcement
Gail Kim came to work and had a backstage interview with McKenzie Mitchell to announce that she has an important announcement to make. Next week. No one interrupts her. No one attacks her. No one’s (presumably) doing squats in the corner. She just announces her announcement and then walks off, allowing Josh Mathews to “ha ha” his way through a reminder that Gail forgot to thank her BFF Jeremy Borash in her Hall of Fame speech. Thanks for coming, everyone.
ACE: EC-FUJI
Wait, no — whatever you do, EC3, do not try for EC-FUJI.
Spoiler alert: Naomichi Marufuji is great. It looks like Impact may realize that, and with such a realization, we all win. Yes, it’s leading to a Grand Championship match, but one has to assume that will end up just being another reminder of how great Marufuji is. Damn, I need to rewatch that Slammiversary tag team title match again.
The problem is, Marufuji’s greatness is kind of in the way of EC3’s (perceived) greatness, and you can probably see where that’s all going to go him EC3 and Moose. Moose just got done beating the loudmouth known as E-LI DRAKE — whose husk shows up in this week’s eight-man tag match — so of course he’d feel some type of way about EC3 trying to verbally insert himself into his business.
Kind of like Mahabali Shera, Moose doesn’t make a lot of good decisions — I’ll never get over him getting jumped while expecting his opponents to watch a video package with him — but he’s got the intimidation factor to make up for it. But baby boy, EC3 was not the one to mess with. The man broke a cowboy. And he does not forget
So I’m sure things will work out fine next week.
EH: “OH GREAT! A REBEL MATCH!”
Sometimes, you just have to let your notes do the talking, especially when the talking that goes into trying to sell Rebel as passable in the ring is so mind-numbing you need a focal point. At one point, they’re just talking about Rebel in Japan, and I still have no idea what she was doing in Japan. She apparently did not learn how to do the splits in any way that looks comfortable for her or any wrestling move that doesn’t require a handspring.
And yes, Pope, we all get that you want to sleep with Rebel. We really do.
ACE: Booyaka! Bookaya! 407!
It’s not a 619 in the Impact Zone, guys. Duh.
But also, it’s pretty cool that Alberto El Patron pulls one out in his rematch with Lashley, as — again — the guys do everything they can to make this match something special. In some ways, it’s better than the Slammiversary match, because it truly is one-on-one, and instead of barely selling the story of Alberto being driven by his father’s presence, we have the tangible story of him being driven by his anger for Lashley’s distasteful disrespect toward the man (and Alberto’s entire family and culture). King Mo probably still doesn’t know what to do with his hands, but at least now we don’t have to see it.
There’s also the story of Lashley as the hunter instead of the hunted, which just feels foreign to see these days. But in a good way! Less good is his cockiness turning practically into stupidity, as his Slammiversary ‘the only way you play me is if I play myself’ characterization completely becomes him playing himself in this match, before we get to the LAX interference. His gloating to the crowd is especially frustrating, because cocky as Lashley is, he’s also extremely focused — that’s one of the things they play up about him — and he’s acting like he got EC3’s video game taunts after a certain point. And what works for EC3 doesn’t exactly work for Lashley, you know?
ACE: Whose Side Is He On?
Does the show kind of tip its hands with all things LAX and Alberto’s “Latin” tangents? Nah. In fact, unlike the “Fourth of July season” thing, this is actually pretty timely, as we’ve just hit 21 years since Hulk Hogan joined the nWo as the third man.
Do I think Alberto El Patron is a new member of LAX? Absolutely not. He’s honestly not cool enough for them anyway. But the image of them carrying his lifeless body in celebration? Pretty awesome.
EH: More Like, Inconvenient Like An Early Period
LAX just ruined a really good match and dick kicked Lashley … and the crowd loves it. Yes, we see some close-up boos. But those boos are also: 1. Too well-lit to be part of what’s happening now in the darkness, and 2. Not reflected in the audible reaction we’re hearing from the crowd.
I’ve been saying for a while that’s it’s pretty ridiculous for Impact to try to push the super heel designation, because they’re just too cool to hate. Like an nWo even or a DX, but without the fear of the group becoming too big and messy. Like I said for Slammiversary, you want to show me Diamante get as hyped as she does and expect me to hate that? Ain’t gonna happen. Plus, you know, they just jumped Lashley, so even if there was the booing of LAX for ruining a good match, it wouldn’t be that much. Because Lashley’s not a great guy at all.
Literally the only ways LAX could get true heel heat is by either calling Josh Mathews “one of the good ones” or brutalizing Allie.
EH: We Had Good Run, POP TV
This week’s post-Impact movie airing was Daddy Day Care, a movie that effectively ruins POP TV’s streak of insanely rewatchable post-Impact movies. Fear, Forces Of Nature, The Devil’s Advocate, and then Daddy Day Care. You know — that Eddie Murphy movie where the joke about The Flash being lame is dated, because now The Flash is a big deal. (He’s also THE WORST, but now is not the time to pile-on Barry Allen. Just kidding, as it is always the time to pile-on Barry Allen.) I was going to say, “We can save it with some Aliyah,” but then I immediately remembered that “Are You That Somebody?” was for Eddie Murphy’s Dr. Doolittle. Oh well — just pretend the baby Aaliyah soundbite is one of the children in that day care:
