The Assumptive WWE SmackDown Spoiler Report For 3/19/15

Welcome to the assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, a hacky copy-and-paste job on the internet that tells you what’ll happen on Thursday’s SmackDown without watching or being the source of the results. We just vaguely find out about stuff on Wednesday morning, jump to conclusions about it and report it to you as fact. You know, journalism.

This week on SmackDown, the Road to WrestleMania continues. By “road,” of course, we mean a sewage pipe, and by “WrestleMania,” we mean the treatment plant.

What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(reminder: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)

– The show begins with Roman Reigns, who gets cheered by people with high voices and booed by people with low voices because fandom can’t exist now unless you’re picking sides. He’s interrupted by Mark Henry, who cuts a “Roman Reigns is great” promo because he got speared through a barricade last week and is suddenly a total suck-up wimp. They’re interrupted by The Authority, who summon the power of the Teddy Long Megazord to make a tag team match for later in the night.

1. Paige defeated Brie Bella. Remember when Brie Bella was a wrestler and not just Nikki’s imperfect valet? Paige wins with a sudden rollup. My new theory is that WWE trusts the Divas implicitly and allows them to come up with their own finishes, but they were only ever taught the one.

2. Dolph Ziggler won an Intercontinental contenders gauntlet match. Here’s your reminder that as stupid as the Intercontinental Championship belt stealing story has been, the people in it are amazing. This actually sounds pretty good, with Daniel Bryan and Luke Harper tearing it up and the final two being Bryan and Dolph Ziggler. Maybe this story is a farewell of sorts to the idea of hopeless jokes holding the IC title, and after Mania we’ll get a year-long Bryan run that puts over all these guys and gives WWE something be proud of. Wait, I forgot to write something snarky …

– After the match, Bad News Barrett cuts a promo and Bullhammers Bryan and Ziggler. What’ll happen first, Bad News Barrett winning matches and bringing prestige to a championship, or me sprouting wings and joining the X-Men? There we go. That feels better.

– J&J Security makes sure Randy Orton can’t get in the building. In this scenario, Randy Orton is happy fans and J&J Security write Raw.

3. Cesaro, Tyson Kidd and Natalya defeated El Torito and Los Matadores. I know this column’s supposed to be as pessimistic as possible by design, but the spoilers say the match ends when Natalya powerbombs El Torito and that sounds like the greatest thing in the world. Clap clap clapclapclapclap fact.

4. Roman Reigns defeated Seth Rollins and Kane. You guessed it, it’s a handicap match because Mark Henry got beaten up backstage and couldn’t compete. When Mark Henry isn’t in the middle of a push, he’s the NXT version of Funaki. This was actually Reigns vs. Rollins, Kane, J&J Security and “extra members of security,” making it ONE VARSE ALL. Roman performed two of the four moves he knows on Kane for the win. After the match, Randy Orton shows up and gets all wacky snake man on everybody.