Welcome to the assumptive Smackdown spoilers report, where we copy and paste-in someone else’s Smackdown spoilers and jump to conclusions about them. We haven’t seen it yet, so now’s the perfect time to get upset about it. Can you believe the Ascension lost in under five minutes?? UGH UGH UGH.
Like that, but for a result people actually care about.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown Spoilers:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. Alberto Del Rio defeated Neville. Say what you will about Cena’s title run and him always going over with instantaneous 100 percent HP regeneration, but at least the guys he wrestled looked like they had a chance. Here, Del Rio beats up Neville until Jack Swagger has to run out and make a save. Neville went from NXT’s best-ever champion to being so helpless he needs JACK SWAGGER to save him. Jack Swagger can’t save Jack Swagger. Jack Swagger would call GEICO and save zero percent on car insurance.
2. The Usos defeated The Ascension. When we say, “Ah,” y’all say, “scension should probably see if Global Force is hiring.”
3. The Wyatt Family defeated The Prime Time Players and Lucha Dragons. This was another traditional Survivor Series elimination match, because Triple H and Stephanie don’t want to give away pay-per-view matches on TV (?). Anyway, all four Wyatts survive because they have spooky supernatural powers times ten now and the Prime Time Players and Lucha Dragons are the Prime Time Players and Lucha Dragons. Sin Cara botch guess: He goes for a springboard, slips and falls head-first into a hole in the ring, and therefore all the way to hell.
4. Ryback defeated King Barrett. Really shocked to see King Barrett lose here.
5. Natalya defeated Tamina Snuka. The dream of the 2011 Divas Division is alive on Smackdown. Natalya wins with a Sharpshooter, but keeps a confused look on her face because it’s been like a month and she still doesn’t know who beat her up backstage once.
6. Kevin Owens defeated Dean Ambrose. Don’t get too excited about that result: Owens wins by DQ when he pretends to get hit in the junk, and then has to flee through the crowd while Ambrose chases him. So, “defeated” is used loosely here. Kevin Owens defeated Dean Ambrose like you defeated your ex by getting dumped.