Welcome to the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, the least popular column on the entire Internet. You know your weird friend who started a blog five years ago, updated three or four times and abandoned it? More people are interested in that right now than in Smackdown spoilers.
Regardless, every week we copy and paste in actual Friday Night Smackdown spoilers and jump to conclusions about what they mean without actually watching the show. This is the “go home” before Hell in a Cell. It’s called that because everyone at the tapings wished they could “go home.”
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual spoilers. Mostly.)
– The show began with Dean Ambrose “in the ring ready for a fight.” He calls out Seth Rollins. When Rollins doesn’t answer, he reveals two action figures — Raphael of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (representing Ambrose) and The Rat King (representing Seth Rollins). He stood in the middle of the ring bashing them together and making “pish, pish” noises. At one point he held Rat King over his head, made airplane noises and threw it on the ground. This was a super cool way of showing that Dean Ambrose is unstable and hates Seth Rollins.
1. The Miz and Damien Mizdow defeated Los Matadores. This was originally scheduled to be Miz and Mizdow vs. Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus, but Los Matadores wandered in at the last second and a maverick producer remembered WWE has more than 8 wrestlers on their roster. After the match, Vince McMahon power-walked by, demanded a Los Matadores vs. 3MB match for the Hell in a Cell kickoff, and not a single person was brave enough to tell him they fired 2 of the MB.
2. AJ Lee defeated Alicia Fox. AJ won with everyone’s finisher, the roll-up. After the match, AJ, Alicia and Paige stood in a triangle formation and yelled NO YOU’RE CRAZY until cameras stopped rolling. This segment took 45 minutes. The announce team had SO MUCH FUN, because women be crazy, am I right
3. Dolph Ziggler defeated Cesaro. Ziggler retained the IC title with a Zig Zag to set up the exact same match at Hell in a Cell. It was announced that it’d be 2 out of 3 Falls, because the only way to top “watching these guys have the same match every week” is “watching these guys have all those matches in a row.”
4. Nikki Bella, Summer Rae and Cameron defeated Natalya, Naomi and Brie Bella. My new dream is that the laziness of Total Divas match booking leads to the creation of Divas six-man titles, and motivates Eva Marie to become this hard-nosed, Barry Windham-esque tag team general obsessed with defending her championship. It should involve at least three large trophies being broken over Natalya’s back.
5. Bo Dallas, Goldust and Stardust defeated Mark Henry and The Usos. Bo pinned Henry, who is still a disappointment to America. The Dusts are now 2-for-60 in their “us and a guy vs. them and a guy” series against The Usos.
– The show ended with Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose brawling, and Ambrose putting Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble through tables. Rollins watched from outside the ring. When Ambrose was done, he held up his palm, yelled “THIS IS YOU, SETH” and used his free hand to punch his palm. He grabbed a pillow, yelled SUPLEXXXXX and vertical suplexed the pillow. He then made crowd cheering noises with his mouth and declared himself the Kids Wrestling Champion. This was a cool way to say Ambrose is crazy and hates Seth Rollins.
And that’s the show!
Let us know which cool ways you’d have Dean Ambrose show he’s unhinged and out for revenge on Seth Rollins in our comments section below.