Welcome to the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report, a list of exclusive, not-copied-or-pasted-anywhere-on-the-Internet Smackdown spoilers for Friday’s show with tons and tons of added, totally unnecessary snark. If you’ve read Smackdown spoilers elsewhere, they’re lying. We promise. We are the only people besides the 20ish people who performed that know what happened. Note: no, people in the arena don’t remember. There are no people in the arena for Smackdown. They’re Raw crowds CGI’d in with a blue filter.
Here’s what happens on this week’s Smackdown:
(These are actual Smackdown spoilers.)
1. Sami Zayn beat Xavier Woods. Zayn asked Woods for his thoughts on Operation Ivy. Woods said it was his favorite episode of ‘Batman: The Animated Series.’ Zayn quickly kicked him in the face and pinned him.
2. Adrian Neville defeated Tyler Breeze. You think Tyler Breeze ever passive-aggressively clicks on that LEADERS OF THE NEW SCHOOL article on WWE.com on his phone before Smackdown and laughs about Prince Devitt fighting NXT season 4 rookies in front of 200 people at Full Sail? I just really want to fabricate a “Tyler Breeze thinks he’s better than guys who’ve fought in the Tokyo Dome because of a blog post that excluded him” narrative.
WWE Smackdown Taping
– Copied and pasted from the actual Smackdown spoilers: “John Cena started a promo. Dean Ambrose came out when Cena called out Seth Rollins. Cena asked Ambrose for a truce. The crowd booed and then chanted ‘do it.’ The Authority interrupted on the video screen. Kane made a tag match with Cena and Ambrose vs Kane and Randy Orton.”
Simplified version: “Kane watched Raw, and nothing ever happens on Smackdown.”
1. Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler defeated The Miz and Damien Sandow. Ziggler pinned Sandow, then Sheamus beat up Sandow with a chair. I’m sure there’s some heel context between those notes, but if not, I wouldn’t be surprised. Sheamus should start beating people by putting plastic bags over their heads and giving their lifeless bodies wedgies after he’s pinned them, just to see how much it’d make Michael Cole chuckle. “He loves to fight!”
– A Luke Harper video entitled “Get Your Hopes Up” aired.
2. Paige defeated Naomi. Paige won by submission. After the match, Paige, AJ and Alicia Fox found out they’ve all been dating the same man and made a pact to get revenge on him. Hahaha that sounds real, doesn’t it
– Big Show sincerely apologized for ripping down a giant Russian flag, throwing it on the ground and saying that anybody who thinks Russia’s all right is “propagandizing.” He apologized for the last several months of WWE announcers practically vomiting at the sight of a Russian flag or sound of the Russian national anthem. He then apologized for the last several decades of WWE thinking anybody from outside of the United States is inferior and out to get us. He then apologized for that time Sgt. Slaughter turned on the United States to get Operation Desert Storm heat. Then he launched into like 10 minutes about Saba Simba. Rusev came out and hit him with a flag. Big Show cried and cried.
3. The Usos defeated Slater Gator This was once again all about The Bunny showing up and attacking everybody. If they don’t have a guy in a bunny suit do The Usos entrance, they’re stupid. It’d be like one of those funny things you do when you first get a WWE video game. “Look, it’s The Undertaker doing Brian Christopher’s shovel dance!”
4. Cesaro defeated R-Truth. Not going to complain. I am not going to complain.
5. John Cena and Dean Ambrose defeated Randy Orton and Kane by DQ. This was secretly a 15-minute long Raw Rebound.
And that’s the show.