This week’s episode of WWE Friday Night Smackdown is the 15th Anniversary Celebration, so make sure you read the rest of this Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report so you can know what happens without trying to watch. Or, better idea, actually watch it this week, but only the first few minutes. You’ll see what I’m saying in a sec.
Here’s what happens on this week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: actual Smackdown spoilers. Mostly.)
– Smackdown opened with Smackdown’s original General Manager Stephanie McMahon. She was interrupted by THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF TALENT RELATIONS AND PERMANENT GENERAL MANAGER OF BOTH RAW AND SMACKDOWN (in my heart) “Mr. Excitement” John Laurinaitis. He entertained the crowd for two hours with his little scooter, his pal David Otunga and a now super relevant story about how he was absolutely right about CM Punk all along. The crowd threw all the streamers in town at him, and the show went off the air with the entire WWE roster holding him on their shoulders.
Unfortunately, everything after “John Laurinaitis” is a beautiful dream. He was interrupted by Teddy Long, and after some nostalgic bickering, a “Team Johnny” vs. “Team Teddy” tag team match with the winning team’s namesake being declared “the greatest GM of all time” was made. As we all know, the only Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy match that canonically matters happened at WrestleMania, and Laurinaitis won. No do-overs. We also all know that Vickie goddamn Guerrero is the greatest Smackdown GM of all time, but I guess she didn’t get to pick a team.
1. Kane defeated Adam Rose. Apparently Kane squashed Rose in under a minute, then beat up all the non-Bunny Rosebuds. I hope this is punishment for him bringing Kathie Lee and Hoda to the ring during Raw for no reason and USA Network devoting 5 minutes of TV time to watching drunk ladies who think they’re better than you getting slightly drunker.
2. AJ Lee defeated Alicia Fox. AJ won with the Black Widow. After the match, Paige and Alicia tried to attack her, but she fought them off. I love that WWE got really close to “AJ and Paige are doing it,” got terrified of how they’d handle it and backed the hell off. Maybe that’s why “I like the fans,” “I’m jealous” and “someone’s wife” are the only female characters in WWE. If they like, made one a doctor it’d be nothing but sexy lesbian doctor sketches.
3. Seth Rollins defeated Kofi Kingston. Just wanted to take a minute to shout out the guy who got his Smackdown results posted everywhere on Tuesday night, because he is the wordiest person of all time. To write this snarky paragraph, I had to deleted 10 sentences about who got “mild pops” and “got over with the crowd.” Surprised there wasn’t a piece about him starting a chant and everyone in his section laughing and thinking it was great. “And then Randy Orton looked DIRECTLY AT ME!” Rollins won with a Curb Stomp, because yeah right, like Kofi Kingston’s gonna win a match.
4. Rusev defeated Dolph Ziggler. This was a non-title match, so of course the champion lost. Rusev won with The Accolade. After the match, Hulk Hogan hobbled down to the ring, called Lana a Kiev Cunt and kicked Rusev in the balls. After that, Ric Flair showed up, called Lana a Boris and Natasha Bitchballs and gave Rusev an uppercut to the junk. Last but not least, Stone Cold Steve Austin rode to the ring in an ATV, brutally punched Lana in the face and drove away yelling “IF YA THINK RUSEV IS A RANCID PILE’A BEAR SHIT GIMME A HELL YEAH.”
I’m sorry, John Laurinaitis showing up has my brain all crazy. Rusev won the match and challenged Big Show to a flag match, because Big Show’s way easier to beat than The Rock. Also, he’s actually going to be at Raw again this week.
– Speaking of The Rock, he and Triple H had a backstage segment where they got in each others’ faces. They teased a WrestleMania match. I’m all for it if it involves SUPER WORKER Triple H from WrestleMania 30 doing all the “check out this blown up guy” CM Punk taunts from Rock/Punk.
5. Team Teddy (Sheamus, Mark Henry, The Usos, Los Matadores, El Torito and Jack Swagger) defeated Team Johnny (Goldust, Stardust, Slater Gator, Mini-Gator, Damien Mizdow, Bo Dallas and Cesaro). This was probably a lot of fun, but again, total Elseworlds stuff. For one, Jack Swagger isn’t suddenly going to be Team Teddy. When you’re Team Johnny, you’re Team Johnny for life. Also, how hard do you think Zack Ryder petitioned to get into this match? Damien Mizdow took the pin, because people like him when they aren’t supposed to. Cesaro was probably under him as he was being pinned.
– In a segment probably just taped for the live crowd, everybody did spinaroonies. I am a spinaroonie hipster, because I liked it when it was how Booker T got up during a certain era’s Harlem Heat matches.
– Kofi Kingston and Seth Rollins retaped their match, because Kofi Kingston.
– Dean Ambrose made another appearance on MizTV. This is going to sound like a joke I made up for this report, but according to the spoilers, the Cena/Ambrose match at Hell in a Cell will now be a “No Holds Barred Contract on a Pole match.” I’m guessing it’s “no holds barred” and also a thing on a pole match, and not a contract to get the winner a starring role in a remake of No Holds Barred, but that needs to happen. John Cena showed up, and (surprise!) they both beat up The Miz. Cena then hit Ambrose with an Attitude Adjustment, just in case his heat was at 99% instead of 100 after Monday’s Raw.
And that’s our show. Here’s to 15 more years of me not watching Smackdown!