Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, the only place on the internet that takes a minuscule amount of pro wrestling truth and speculates wildly without a hint of irony. …we’ve got the exclusive on that, right?
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(note: for-real actual SmackDown spoilers are in bold)
1. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro (c) (with Natalya) defeated New Day. Coming off of their CLAP OR SNAP promo that seemed to promise a future of three dudes on the verge of complete and utter destruction of anyone who stands in their way, WWE got scared and nixed the storyline at the last minute. The New Day are now snap-happy poets: one part that episode of Happy Days with the pregnant-out-of-wedlock beatnik, one part The Genius, and one part Def Poetry Jam. Kofi is pinned after Big E gets distracted by Natalya’s misunderstanding of how haikus work. Three ain’t enough, he needs FIVE-SEVEN-FIVE.
2. Neville defeated Curtis Axel. The man gravity forgot vs. the man Royal Rumble eliminations forgot! After pitting him against Seth Rollins in a match that made everyone involved look great, WWE reconsiders their push of Neville, but green-lights having more wrestlers come out in capes.
3. Natayla defeated Alicia Fox. Cameron was a special guest referee, debuting new gear that reps House Ref-flepuff. Natalya won with a sharpshooter, but Cameron – not understanding the hippocratic oath every match official is forced to take – attacked both ladies after the match. She went for the pin on Natalya, but then kind of meandered off when she realized nobody was there to count it.
4. Bray Wyatt defeated Erick Rowan. What better way to regain the love people had for the charismatic but scary cult leader than reminding us that he has no followers, and even the people who know his worst misdeeds aren’t afraid of him? Presumably this sets up a new mid-card facial hair vs. facial hair match at Extreme Rules over who gets to be the New Face of Beard.
– Mizdow and Summer Rae interrupt a Miz TV segment. Summer Rae came out first, patiently reminding the Miz that he’s not the only one starring in their new movie The Marine 4: Overseas Ovaries. Mizdow comes out to attack the Miz, but is run off. The Miz plants a kiss on Summer Rae, but then she puts him into the Lotus Lock, and nobody on commentary makes weird comments about wanting to trade places with him. Hahaha, joking. She just gets smooched against her will for no reason. The Marine 4, available digitally this Friday!
5. Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, and Roman Reigns defeated Bad News Barrett, Sheamus, and Big Show. Daniel Bryan was able to hit the Knee Plus and get the win after Sheamus was distracted by Wade Barrett’s constant verbal Barrett Barrage decrying the loss of Sheamus’s old theme music. Kane was supposed to run in and save his giant Authority cohort, but was busy getting a jump on the inventory of steel chairs prior to Extreme Rules. Sometimes Dean Ambrose likes to make off with them to build crude traps for Seth Rollins and look, Kane has a lot of corporate responsibilities to juggle.
See you in the SmackDown Best and Worst, where roughly a tenth of this report actually happens!