These are WWE SmackDown spoilers we copied and pasted-in from a Reputable Dirtsheet™, then jumped to conclusions about. We don’t actually plan on watching SmackDown. Neither do you, right? That’s why you’re in here reading spoilers. We’re not so different, you and I.
Anyway, here’s what happens on this week’s SmackDown. Instead of watching this, we’ll be watching IMPACT WRESTLING, which we think is still on Thursdays. It may have moved to Fridays, or Wednesdays, or it may be in a garbage can.
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(Reminder: These are mostly actually SmackDown spoilers)
– Dean Ambrose kicks off SmackDown to a huge pop. Not sure why he brought a Big Gulp to the ring, but whatever. Ambrose talks about what happened on RAW and mentions Roman Reigns, his name getting a big pop. This time it was a very tall grandfather. With Ambrose, a giant soda and a huge grandpa in the ring, Kane showed up and made the same goddamn Seth Rollins tag match as always.
1. The Lucha Dragons defeated Cesaro and Tyson Kidd. This was a lumberjack match, aka “another reason to have a bunch of people in the ring for no reason.” Thank goodness this is the final show before Elimination Chamber, because “handicap match,” “lumberjack match” and “run out for no reason” are their only ideas. Kalisto got the win with the Sabor de Soledad.
2. R-Truth defeated King Barrett. Truth won a “rather short match” because Wade Barrett is the worst wrestler in WWE history. After the match, Sheamus showed up and kicked Barrett in the face because Wade Barrett is the worst wrestler in WWE history.
3. Ryback defeated Rusev. Ryback won by DQ when Rusev tossed him into the ring post, which I guess is a disqualifiable offense now. John Cena retroactively wins every match he got whipped into the steps during, which is every match ever. That’s a funny joke because he’s already won every match ever. Lana and Rusev argued because love is dead and life is meaningless.
4. Paige defeated Naomi. Don’t you love how Naomi was beating the Divas Champion every week as normal Naomi, then “got serious” about being noticed and successful and started losing every match? The only ones she wins are the ones where Tamina cheats for her. She loses here because f*ck you for thinking you could rise above this.
– Kevin Owens tells Michael Cole he’s gonna beat up John Cena. This was probably awesome.
5. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose defeated Kane and Seth Rollins. If I typed “Reigns and Ambrose won by DQ after they wrestled for a while and J&J Security interfered,” would you believe me? What if I typed, “after the match, everybody did finishers until one guy was standing tall?” No, that’s too insane.
Join us next week for the exact same show, except Los Matadores will have nothing to do.