The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For 8/1/14

07.30.14 5 years ago 25 Comments

Do you love WWE Smackdown? wait, where are you going

Let me rephrase: do you feel like you need to be AWARE of what happens on Smackdown but can’t stand the canned crowd noise and feel like you should probably be DOING something with your Friday night? Welcome to the assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers report, the column that reads an unreliable recap on a cut-and-paste news site, jumps to a bunch of conclusions about it and shares them with you.

Here’s what happens on this week’s Smackdown:
(Note: These are actual Smackdown spoilers. Mostly.)

Jack Swagger defeated Cesaro. Cesaro’s “I don’t have anything important to do, so I’m going to make people look like they’re great at wrestling” tour continues. Swagger wins with the Patriot Lock, which should still be called the Patriot Act. After the match, Rusev and Lana make a challenge to Swagger for SummerSlam, and Zeb accepts. Meanwhile, Cesaro makes himself small and tries not to be in anybody’s way.

– Randy Orton cuts a promo. YEAH HE DOES. He takes 14,000 words to say “I challenge Roman Reigns to a match at SummerSlam.”

R-Truth defeated Bo Dallas. Don’t get too worried. Bo loses by disqualification when he wouldn’t break a five count and spends the post-match beating Truth to death. One day in the distant future a cracked-up Bo will slooooowly put on a lamb mask and it will be the greatest thing in history.

AJ Lee defeated Rosa Mendes. Rosa has had 8 years to come up with a wrestling move. She uses none of them here. After the match, Paige attacks AJ. WWE should have a show called “After The Match” where they take a commercial break during every match and only come back when the bell rings. They’d accomplish the exact same thing they’re accomplishing now.

Kane and Seth Rollins defeated Dean Ambrose in a handicap match. So THAT’s where the Raw handicap match-a-palooza ended up. Thanks for taking that bullet, Smackdown. The Authority wins when Ambrose goes nutso on them with a steel chair. More people should do this. If you’re gonna lose 2-on-1, just grab a chair at the beginning and start swinging. A loss is a loss, and hey, you didn’t get beaten up for five minutes.

– AJ Lee was stretchered out of the arena with a neck brace on. ROSA MENDES LEARNED GANSO BOMB.

Diego defeated Fandango. Guess what happened here? I f*cking dare you.

Alberto Del Rio defeated Dolph Ziggler. I should’ve known that Raw feeling fresher than normal would lead to the world’s stalest and oldest Smackdown. The Miz is on color commentary here, so OF COURSE Miz distracts Ziggler, and OF COURSE Ziggler falls for it, and OF COURSE Del Rio capitalizes with a cross armbreaker to get the win.

Chris Jericho defeated Erick Rowan. They’re doing a thing where if Jericho beats the Wyatt Family cronies they’re banned from ringside at SummerSlam. This is a great idea to build drama if you pretend like they aren’t just gonna go BLEARP~! and teleport in from out of nowhere like they always do. They don’t really have to be “at ringside” to do that, you know. Anyway, Jericho wins with the Codebreaker, and somewhere in the back Rob Van Dam goes “shit, I should’ve asked them to let me win matches.”

That’s the show!

Remember, if you want thoughts about the show formed after we actually watched it, we do a Best and Worst of Smackdown every Saturday. If you don’t, well … click these share buttons and let us never speak of it again.

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