The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For 8/6/15

Every week, we tell you what happens on Thursday’s upcoming edition of Smackdown without watching it, and every week, we jump to conclusions. Here’s us doing that again. We are journalists.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: minus the snark, these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

– The show opens with the same Rowdy Roddy Piper tribute from Raw to make us all cry again.

– Roman Reigns cuts an in-ring promo about Bray Wyatt. I honestly miss when his promos were notably bad, as opposed to what they are now, which is “nothing.” Roman Reigns vs. Rusev is announced for later in the night, so Rusev shows up and threatens him. I hope he calls him a “stupid Samoan-American whatever you are.”

1. Mark Henry and The Prime Time Players defeated The New Day. We’re assuming this features Darren Young and Mark Henry taking heat for 8 minutes, only for them to make a double hot tag to Titus O’Neil. The power of a DOUBLE hot tag would give Titus enough power to lift all three members of New Day and throw them through the TitanTron. They should play that “vrrrrrooooooom” from the beginning of Dean Ambrose’s music every time Titus tags in.

2. Charlotte vs. Naomi was a no-contest. The match ended via interference, and per the Smackdown vs. Raw accord of 2006, all singles matches that end with interference from tag-team partners must be turned into impromptu tag-team matches, whether associated players feel it. Holla holla.

3. Sasha Banks and Naomi defeated Charlotte and Becky Lynch. As of now, Tamina is that Yakuza guy in the white suit from The Simpsons. You don’t want to go inside because she hasn’t had a match yet, and you know she’s gonna do something cool. Spoiler alert: She really isn’t. You can go inside.

4. Stardust defeated Zack Ryder. Zack Ryder will now move into the losers bracket where he’ll face the John Wesley Shipp version of The Flash.

5. Roman Reigns defeated Rusev. Lana should break up with Dolph Ziggler and start dating Roman Reigns. Roman is the male Lana… that guy we loved for being cool and beautiful when he was just an accessory to fun stuff, but once he started trying to be fun-loving and cool, it was all over. Lana could even talk about how Dolph Ziggler made her wear her hair a certain way, and ditch the bad ponytail for the wet look.