Nope, this week’s title doesn’t make any more sense in context.
– How well do you know your Main Event recapper? I bet you know what I’m going to ask you to do here. Has to do with these two buttons…
Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
Best: How Well Do You Know Your Bro
Did JBL have a stroke? Like, live on air? I’m not sure how else to explain this segment. It was everything bad about JBL commentary delivered in concentrated monologue form in the ring. Weird, dated, improperly used references, burials of old guys who aren’t on TV any more, not knowing which Uso is which – I suppose JBL was trying to poke fun at himself, but his delivery wasn’t so much “guy having fun” as “this man is losing his mind before our eyes is maybe, probably on a lot of coke”. All the guys, including the “crazy” Star and Goldust looked like they had no f*cking idea what was happening.
Should I recap this? I suppose it needs to be documented for diagnostic purposes. JBL starts off by saying they’re going to play a game thought lost because it was last played on the deck of the Titanic. The game in question? How Well Do You Know Your Bro? They used “bro” a lot on the Titanic, right? Then JBL throws thinly veiled jabs at everyone from Dusty Rhodes, to Billy Gunn to Mick Foley and at one point seems to mistake Stardust with Michael Cole. In the end the whole segment is basically a set-up for a yo’ momma joke. During this whole debacle Michael Cole has slipped back into heel mode, is shitting all over everything and I have to check to see if I’ve accidentally downloaded an episode of NXT from 2010.
This was one the worst things I’ve seen on WWE TV in a long time – the most recent competition I can think of would be the original Diva Search, and at least that featured Christy Hemme’s butt eating a pie. This was insane, embarassing and not sexy in the least. Sooo, I suppose I shouldn’t be giving it a Best, but come on, aside from those few really transcendent moments, what you remember most vividly about wrestling is the really bad stuff. If How Well Do You Know Your Bro had happened on Raw, a legend would have been born – as it is, maybe only I’ll remember this next week, but hey, it’ll always be legendary in my mind.
Best: Handling the Truth
This Tyson Kidd/R-truth match wasn’t quite as fast-paced as last week’s match, but it was definitely better overall. For one, Tyson Kidd won this one, and the stuff Natalya did actually made sense this time around. It seems like they might be doing a Booker and Sharmell thing where Nattie pretends to be virtuous, but is not-so-secretly helping Tyson win, which I’m all for. Any storyline that culminates in Tyson Kidd strutting around in a cape covered in his cats’ faces is alright by me.
Minor Worst for Natalya having to put over R-Truth’s pelvic thrusts as part of her “I don’t like my husband” act.
Main Event Status: I think I gave this same match 2% last week – that was a little harsh in retrospect. I’ll give it a far more generous 5% this week.
Best: The New World’s Strongest Man
I love that Bo Dallas absorbs the attributes of those he beats. Hopefully he just keeps beating guys and adding new titles even if they contradict. Beat Kane and Rey Mysterio next and become the Biggest Little Big Red World’s Strongest American Sweetheart.
Best: Old Rivals
This may have been Bo’s best main roster match to date, which shouldn’t be surprising considering Bo and Big E are old rivals. It was right around the time he beat Big E for the NXT title that Bo started to actually become good, and he’s come a long way since then.
While not as long or important as their NXT matches, the work was better here, with Bo and Big E both moving fast and hitting hard. Also, I definitely didn’t see Big E reversing the Bo-Dog into the Big Ending for the win coming, although I should have – Big E’s one of those guys who kinda gives away finishes based on how happy/depressed he looks when he walks out on stage, and he appeared to be mid-orgasm when he came out tonight. Hopefully this is leading to a full-on main roster Bo/Big E feud that, fingers crossed, revolves heavily around exposed turnbuckles.
Main Event Status: Just adding Bo and Big E’s individual star power together maybe gets you to about 15%, but these guys are special together, so I’m going to go 25%.
Best: Seth Rollins vs. Jack Swagger
This was one of my favorite Rollins matches in a while. Lately the guy has been wrestling like a mini Randy Orton, but here, away from the glare of Raw, Rollins was more himself. He even busted out classic stuff like the top-rope flying knee again. Swagger shouldn’t be undersold either – he was on tonight, hitting some impressive reversals into the Patriot Lock and almost, for the first time in years, making me buy the Swagger Bomb as a finish. Also, Swagger’s Naruto hair was particularly ridiculous and pineappley tonight.
Main Event Status: Rollins is co-main eventing the next PPV, and Swagger is a solid upper-ish mid-carder, so let’s say 50%.
Final Main Event Tally: So, the matches add up to 80%, but wait, I do believe we have an all-Bests show! I think a 20% bonus is the going rate for that. So wait…wait, wait, wait…does that mean?
MAIN EVENT HAS FINALLY PASSED THE 100% THRESHHOLD! For the first time (since I started reviewing it) Main Event has earned it’s name! And it was actually an entertaining/memorable show t’boot!
Welp, it’s all downhill from here.