Too bad pins only last three seconds.
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Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
Best: A Heart Attack on a Bun
Bo Dallas’ pre-match spiel was the most wonderfully childish thing I’ve heard out of a wrestler’s mouth in some time (and we got a Rock promo this week)…
“Somebody gave me a cheesesteak, but then I THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE and then, then Mark Henry came and ATE IT! Dee-sgusting! Also, Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.”
Never stop being a grown up Ralph Wiggum, Bo.
Best: Dolph Ziggler vs. Bo Dallas
Dolph vs. Bo for the IC Title was a simple match, as most Bo matches tend to be, but it told a nice little succinct story. Bo’s a sneaky bastard, and his tricks have a fairly high success rate against other NXT rookies and lumbering behemoths like Mark Henry, but against a wily vet like Dolph Ziggler it just wasn’t enough. None of Bo’s chicanery quite paid off and finally he loses it when a rope-assisted roll-up doesn’t work, allowing Dolph to get a quick Zig-Zag for the win. Again, simple, clean storytelling.
It helped that Cesaro was on guest commentary — even though he spent 60% of his time out there getting himself over, he still managed to find time to analyze the match more thoroughly than Cole and Saxton combined.
Main Event Status: Two solid upper-ish mid-carders in Ziggler and Bo and the title on the line? Don’t see that on Main Event every day. I’m going crazy and giving this a 50%.
Best: You Don’t Overcome NIKKI
For the past couple weeks Nikki has been putting Brie in the same unfair situations she was put in, but Brie always comes out on top because she wrestles smart instead of like a busty John Cena, so a frustrated Nikki finally puts herself in one of these handicap matches. At first Brie plays her winning strategy — she hones in on the weak link (Cameron) and it looks like she might pull off another win, so Nikki tags in, hosses a tired Brie to death and gets the win.
So, Brie overcomes all of Nikki’s challenges, but Nikki gets to prove herself “better” in the end. Brie comes off as a smart, resourceful competitor, and Nikki has been set up as a killer final boss. This was pretty much the perfect culmination of this recent Bellas mini-arc, so expect to see it re-done in it’s entirety on Raw so people can actually watch it.
Main Event Status: Both Bellas and SummerLay in one match? This is about as big as a Divas match gets — or at least as big as one from the Total Divas pocket universe gets. 20%.
Worst: The Main Roster Writing Team Has Already Screwed Up Tyson Kidd
Sigh. So, last week Tyson Kidd and Natalya’s horrible marriage got called up to the Main Roster, and I was pretty excited! Unfortunately it’s week two and they’re already doing it wrong.
Already the relationship has been reduced to “Tyson is whipped” and Zeb Colter is out making balls jokes. At it’s best, this Tyson/Nattie thing has been much more complicated than that. Tyson is the classic insecure guy who gets all passive-aggressive and pissy when his partner tries to exert any control because he’s too afraid to confront them. Yeah, Natalya can be a little pushy, but Tyson’s the bad guy because he’s being an irrational dickhead when he doesn’t have to be. The relationship could easily be fixed, we can all see it, but Tyson can Nattie can’t see it from within the warzone. It’s compelling! It’s real!
Reducing it to “yer balls are in her purse, hurr hurr” jokes just tosses out all that complexity. It turns Tyson into a cardboard cutout pussy and Natalya into the bad guy(girl). Just the latest example of NXT not translating to main roster WWE I guess.
Best: The Actual Match
But hey, the match was good! Better than the Swagger/Kidd match from Raw (Swagger didn’t almost break Tyson’s leg for starters). Everything Tyson hit was crisp as shit, he was bumping like a mad-man (that face first bump on the apron was nasty) and the, lo and behold, he won! Makes you kind of wish Tyson was getting another chance on the main roster for reals, rather than being called up to promote Total Divas. Ah well, balls in purses and all that.
Main Event Status: Swagger is sorta, kinda still a guy, whereas Tyson’s entire gimmick is that he’s not a guy. Then again, Tyson’s so good at being not a guy, that he’s kind of becoming a guy. Tough call — 15%.
Worst: Why is This The Main Event?
This is the Mark Henry and Rusev topping Raw of Main Event. You have the first title defense on Main Event in months, so you open the show with it and save a random Usos singles match for last? Huh? Bwuh? Muh?
So yeah, this was an Usos singles match. Lots of superkicks and the Uso in question (Jey I think) looking kind of lost without his brother. Also, I’m still not really into Stardust in the ring — he moves around in a unique way, but he doesn’t really have any interesting, specific moves to match the character. Then the Usos won like they always do. If you’re going to have the Usos beat the Dusts on every single show, I’m not sure why you took the belts off the Usos.
Main Event Status: Sorry, can’t go any higher than 10% for an Usos singles match.
Final Main Event Tally: Arrrgh! 95%! So close! Why did you have to end the show with a goddam Usos singles match, WWE? It’s almost as if you don’t even care about these arbitrary ratings I give your C-show!