The Best And Worst Of Main Event 9/16/14: Kiss My Voluptuous Derrière

Ironically Nikki’s voluptuous derrière is one of the few things about recent programming that doesn’t make me want to tell WWE to kiss my voluptuous derrière.

Pre-show Notes:

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Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…

A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.

Worst: Okay, The Joke’s Dead

In last week’s Smackdown report I gave a very cautious, sheepish Best to the whole R-Ziggler thing. Sure, it was dumb, but it was good-natured, I didn’t see it coming, and Truth does a pretty good Ziggler impersonation. Well, WWE never met a clever idea it didn’t want to throttle the life out of, so Main Event was the third show in a row to feature the exact same Ziggler/Truth vs. Miz/Sandow match.

And really, it wasn’t terrible — Sandow aping Miz’s every movement will always be a great gag, and R-Truth’s bare legs remain a fascinating novelty. That said, I still don’t need to see it three shows in a row, and aside from the goofy stuff, this match was pretty undistinguished and sloppy. On the plus side, Vince McMahon doesn’t give a crap what the commentators say on Main Event, so we were spared the wheezing “I can’t tell Dolph Ziggler and R-Truth apart, heh heh” comedy routine.

Main Event Status: This may as well have been a recap, and recaps don’t get rated.

Best: Pleasingly Plump Posterior

I have to say, I wasn’t expecting Byron Saxton to win the “Avoid Gawking at Nikki Bella’s Bidness” challenge, but well, judge for yourself.

Shameful. What? No, I’m just at the Nikki Bella gawking party to get instructions on how to get away from the Nikki Bella gawking party.

Somebody get this woman some Windex. 

Worst: Fingerprints

Ugh, Cameron’s “can’t stop doing her make-up because she’s a girl” gimmick is bad enough, but I can’t stand that fingerprint coated mirror she totes around. Shudder. OCD? Me? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Also, Brie’s new music sounds exactly the same as Cameron’s, but I still like Brie’s infinitely more. Couldn’t tell you why.

Worst: Main Event Women’s Matches

Oh right, the match. When I first started this Main Event recapping gig, I was holding out hope the show may secretly be the place to go for decent main roster women’s wrestling. That maybe Main Event would give the AJs and Paiges the time to really do something good, and the Emmas and Naomis a place to do something period. Unfortunately, I’ve since discovered the show is mostly the domain of no-hopers like Cameron and Eva Marie — rather than giving underrated female talents a place to shine, Main Event is where Rosa Mendes’ atrocities are sent to be buried.

This match wasn’t quite as bad as the Cameron/Naomi match from Raw, which is to say it was a mere fiasco and not an outright debacle. This time Cameron didn’t try to cover a face down opponent, but she did “pin” Brie by dropping her leg over her hips/pelvic region. Shoulders Cameron, shoulders. You pin the shoulders.

Main Event Status: Well, Brie did co-main SummerSlam, but WWE has since pulled some Twin Magic and put all the focus on Nikki, so uh, let’s say 5%.

Best: Big E vs. Seth Rollins

The Divas may not get a chance to shine on Main Event, but thankfully guys like Big E sometimes do. This match was the most competent Big E has been allowed to look in months — remember how good he used to be? Well, thankfully he hasn’t lost a step being locked in a crate somewhere with Xavier Woods the past couple months. Big E got to dominate most of the match, get a near fall or two, and he even managed to shake Seth Rollins out of his recent dull, Orton-esque funk. When Big E decides to get truckin’ you keep up or get run over. Also, this happened…

Big E did that spear through the ropes on Rusev a time or two, but it’s even crazier and more uncontrolled when he does it against a lightweight guy like Rollins. Thanks for livening up a dull Main Event, but you should probably stop doing that, E.

Main Event Status: Seth Rollins get a standard 30% and I’ll be generous and add another 10% for the real Big E showing up again.

Final Main Event Tally: A pretty sad 45% this week. Rollins/Big E was good, but even with that, this was maybe my least favorite Main Event since I started reviewing the show. But hey, it still had a better main event than Raw.