LOOK AT MY NEW FENCE! NOW I CAN GET A DOG!!
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Best: Hey, This Cage is Actually Working
Man, oh man, I was gearing up to crap all over this match. You think I’m going to want to see another goddamn Usos vs. Dusts match just because it’s in a cage? Really? Chain link is going to make the stalest match in WWE worth my time again?
Well…it kind of did. But I assure you, I had a pretty decent rant all worked up. Good ‘n’ caustic.
Anyways, yeah, this match was good. I should have known it would be – the match did feature Goldust, and if there’s one guy who should know how to do a good old fashioned cage match, it’s the hard-bitten son of a son of a plumber. They actually did tags instead of doing things tornado-style, which was odd, but there were lots of hard chops and some solid use of the cage. Lots of guys flying into it and getting their faces cheese-gratered, to the degree that I was getting excited for a little hard way blood (sadly it didn’t happen). The Usos and Dusts are both great teams, I guess I just needed to see them in a slightly different context to realize that again. That said, don’t you dare make me watch them wrestle again – I’ve got both bile barrels loaded, WWE.
Rollin’ the roll-ups in cages.
Worst: Cage Match Roll-Up Finishes
Okay, I liked most of the opening match, but I can’t let WWE get away with ending a cage match with a roll-up. Really, I suppose “opening a door and sauntering down a handy set of stairs” is equally lame, but still, a roll-up! I can’t wait for the WWE cage match that ends in a count-out. Don’t think it’s not going to happen.
“Words, words, words. Words? Words!”
Worst: What the Hell, Everything’s in a Cage for Some Reason!
Kane came out and said words about stuff and things, because how would we know what happened on Raw unless somebody came out and dryly recapped it? Wait, you actually watch the video packages? Oh dear. I’m afraid you’re doing Smackdown wrong.
So, Kane booked himself vs. Dolph Ziggler and then made it a cage match with all the excitement of somebody adding extra butter to their movie popcorn. Hey, it’s only 50 cents extra, and the cage is already hanging over the ring, so what the hell, you only live once, right? They should have gone full Lockdown and had the Bunny’s pelvic thrusts and Summer Rae’s 90-second match take place within four deadly walls of unforgiving steel.
Worst: Ryback vs. Cesaro
Yeah, I’m Worsting Ryback vs. Cesaro. I dunno, it just wasn’t anything special. Maybe they’ve finally broken Cesaro’s spirit.
A large chunk of the beginning of the match was taken up by commercials, and when we returned Ryback was bleeding from the mouth, so if something cool happened during this match, we missed it. What we did see was mostly Cesaro working Ryback over, which was fine, but it’s hard to care about Ryback on defense and Cesaro continues to hold back on offense. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not sure if Cesaro is doing this on purpose to show his range, or if the agents are purposefully putting limits on the guy, but I find myself distracted during Cesaro matches these days, because I’m constantly waiting, waiting, waiting for the uppercuts. Imagine if Ric Flair threw one chop per match, or you weren’t sure if you could count on a superkick in a Shawn Michaels – that’s Cesaro in late 2014.
Still, Cesaro working at 60% is remains better than most, so I was wavering on the side of giving this match a Best, but unfortunately the finish just killed me. Ryback goes for a delayed vertical suplex and Cesaro starts throwing knees at Ryback’s head while still hanging upside-down, but then Ryback grabs Cesaro’s leg and transitions to a Shellshock for the win. On paper this finish is sorta clever and showcases the strength of both guys, but why the hell would Cesaro hang rigidly in the air and throw knees instead of, you know, going limp and escaping the hold? Why would Ryback absorb the knees instead of just completing the suplex? The delayed vertical suplex is a dumb move at the best of times – adding any additional layers to it is a surefire way to obliterate the suspension of disbelief. This wasn’t the last instance of an excessively “clever” finish ruining a match on this show either.
Best: Bunny Beater
Well, this was unexpected. R-Truth dropped some actual truth bombs on Adam Rose last week about how everyone likes the Bunny more than him, so this week they’re having a match. Early on Rose tries to piggyback on Truth’s “what’s up” thing, and everyone boos the shit out of him. Is this how everyone always felt? We need to coordinate on these things, WWE Universe.
So, R-Truth starts doing some dance moves, the Bunny joins in and Rose tries to contribute his own wackiness, jumping into Truth’s arms and even the ref is having none of it.
Soooo embarrassed to be a faceless ref right now.
Then both Truth and the Bunny start pelvic thrusting and Rose looks way too betrayed than a guy who isn’t f*cking his bunny mascot ought to look. Then he gets rolled up and loses. Yay!
As soon as Rose is pinned, the Bunny starts cowering, and Rose coldly strides to the outside, shoves the bunny to the ground, then puts on a happy face and returns to his soulless party automatons as if nothing had happened. When the Bunny cautiously tries to join in, Rose’s smile drops again and he shoots the Bunny a look that screams “This isn’t the first time I’ve hurt you, and I’ll do it again right in front of these people, I don’t even give a f*ck anymore.”
Within the span of one three-minute segment Adam Rose transformed himself from WWE’s most vapid, soulless babyface, to it’s most apalling, Bunny beating sleazeball. Not a bad party trick.
Best: I Can Fix You, Dean
Okay, I’m on board for this Bray/Dean feud. I wasn’t when the rationale behind the feud was “we’re both monsters, you and me” because Dean Ambrose isn’t really a monster, is he? He’s different. He’s “crazy” compared to your typical WWE character, but he’s a popping out of Christmas presents and sincerely enjoying See No Evil 2 kind of crazy. The kind of non-dangerous wackiness that doesn’t preclude you from lonely wrestling ladies’ slash fic and embarrassingly earnest, love-professing poster board signs.
Thankfully Bray’s motives have changed. He now wants to “help” Dean Ambrose, which draws on his long history of trying to fix/corrupt confused people who don’t quite seem to fit into the WWE machine. Dean Ambrose makes perfect sense as his next project after Harper, Rowan and Daniel Bryan.
I complain about how Bray changes his motivations from week to week, but this is what he should be about all the time. He’s at his best when he’s trying to corrupt vulnerable outcasts and at his absolute worst when trying to cobble together reasons for going after guys who have it all like John Cena and Chris Jericho. The good news is, the way WWE operates, there’s a lot of downtrodden guys with wacky gimmicks for him to work with if they want to fully focus on this aspect of his character.
Worst: This Isn’t Going Anywhere, Is It?
I’ve been all over the map on the Tyson/Nattie thing since it graduated to the main roster. Some weeks it’s one of the most psychologically complex relationships WWE has done in a long time (or ever), the next it’s just JBL screaming about allowances and purses and everything is awful. This week it was mostly the latter, with Tyson once again being bullied on commentary and Nattie being rolled-up by Summer Rae in a nothing match.
Maybe it will be good again next week, but I’m kind of beyond caring. It’s clear now this isn’t heading anywhere. We’re not building towards some emotional reconciliation or shocking heel turn. If anything interesting happens with this relationship it will happen on Total Divas, so I’ll never see it.
No, “hates spouse” is Tyson and Nattie’s character now, and they’re just going to be thrown into spouse-hating scenarios each week. Some of them will be good because Tyson and Natalya are both good, but most of them will be frustrating and shitty, because WWE. I’m still more than open to enjoying individual Tyson and Nattie performances, but I’m officially powering down the part of my brain that cares about their relationship, and instead devoting it caring about Ryback and Curtis Axel’s relationship.
Best: Heartwarming Cyborg
So yeah, a paralyzed soldier used a futuristic exoskeleton to walk again on Smackdown, so it’s safe to say Al Wilson’s wedding has officially been replaced as the most inspiring segment in Smackdown history. I already covered the whole life-affirming thing in a news post, but here’s a couple jokes that I couldn’t quite fit in.
– “Wonderful to see Sgt. Rose back on his feet. Now John Cena won’t have to bend over when he takes his purple heart from him.”
– Something about Kevin Nash returning next week.
Worst: Dolph At His Worst
Dolph Ziggler is obviously a good wrestler, I’d be fool to say he wasn’t and admittedly I’ve enjoyed a ton of his matches, but he’s never been a favorite, and this match exemplified all the reasons why.
There’s an art to racing around the ring and bumping your ass off without making yourself look like a total dork, and Dolph Ziggler has not mastered it yet. Dolph looked like a little kid trying to get his big brother to play with him as Kane batted aside one flailing attack after another. No Dolph, big brother Kane doesn’t want to play Power Rangers right now, he wants to read comic books — if you promise to be quiet and stop punching him, maybe he’ll let you read comics with him.
The match had other problems too, including Kane removing a turnbuckle’s padding while entirely surrounded by metal, and one of the most absurdly elaborate cage match finishes ever. Kane misses a charge in the corner near the cage door, and instead of climbing literally any other part of the cage, Dolph awkwardly scrambles up over Kane’s back, pauses at the top long enough for Kane to open the cage door and then drops down, gut first over the door and just dangles there forever. Finally Kane tries to get out again, Ziggler somehow closes the door on his head and then scales down so slooowly that even the commentators are screaming at him to just drop. This is the kind of finish I would have been really proud of when I was 16 writing fantasy matches for my e-fed. That’s not a good thing. Please kick 16-year-old me off the writing team, WWE.
