– A big thank you to everyone who voted for us in the RSPW Awards, and to everyone who came out to Sunday’s Inspire Pro Wrestling event in Austin. We’re still waiting to hear how that turned out. The RSPW Awards, not the show. The show was GREAT. Although I guess we’re waiting to hear when Global Force Wrestling’s gonna pick us up, so it works for both.
I’m not being serious, but if GFW picked us up I would put “Jeff Jarrett has to show up and hit me in the head with a guitar” in the contract.
– Shares, likes, comments and other social media things are appreciated.
Please click through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for February 16, 2015.
Best: John Cena The SCREAMING AMERICAN
There are still a lot of problems with it (which I’ll get to in a second), but I’m honestly kinda digging the U.S. title feud. I don’t think I’m enjoying it like I’m supposed to, mind you, but there’s something about gentle, insulting Bulgarian transplant Rusev not really doing anything but talking shit and stealing taunts and Cena getting so unbelievably bent out of shape about it. Cena is screaming about America and justice and ageism (?) and just charging this dude every time he sees him. He wants to literally kill Rusev. When he was smashing him into the LED screen he was for-realsies trying to crush his skull. Rusev is unconscious and Cena’s just straddling him and punching him in his unconscious face.
It’s probably the most “American” thing Cena’s done since his COMPROMISED TO A PERMANENT END speech. What’s great is that Cena has no reason to be this upset. It’s over the United States Championship, for one. Cena’s spent the last decade battling these top level legends and game-changers for the WWE Championship. He had a TLC match to unify the two biggest wrestling championships ever against his third-generation blood rival, a guy who once tried to brain damage his father. The last time Cena won the U.S. title he turned it into a toy. And for real, think about all the stuff Cena’s done. He’s been run over by a car, stabbed in a night club, forced into Hell in a Cell matches and Elimination Chambers, been cashed-in on by nefarious Money in the Bank types … all stuff that would make a do-gooding American babyface boil over with rage. He had to choke out a Samoan savage with HALF OF THE RING to prevent his demolition. He’s gushed rivers of blood and been thrown off things and through spotlights and on and on and on, but Rusev says “YOU ARE AMERICAN LOL” and Cena flips out.
The good news is that the Worst Case Scenario here isn’t even that bad. If Cena wins the U.S. title, the belt gets to be on an Important Guy who is actually on the show and wrestles high-stakes matches. If Rusev wins, he beats Cena. That doesn’t mean as much as it should because Cena’s always there to get it back or nonchalantly cast it aside in a promo (“I lost, I’m not gonna cry about it let’s move on!!”), but it’s still a big victory. If it’s a schmozz and nobody wins and everything stays regressive and dumb, it’s not any worse than where we started. Rusev doesn’t have that Bray Wyatt vibe where he’s a mystical, powerful character that needs to be a fulcrum for the future. He’s just a bad-ass Bulgarian sweetheart who Hates Our Freedoms. He’ll be fine.
Worst: But Still
1. John Cena is the opposite of a babyface, but you know that and me complaining about it and wishing and clapping my hands won’t make it change. I just want one moment once where Sami Zayn comes up to Raw and Cena meets him backstage and is all, “hey kid, here’s a rub,” and holds out his hand, trying to do that thing Undertaker did for him when he debuted on Smackdown. And then Sami cautiously shakes his hand and is like, “you know you’re a terrible person, right?”
2. Cena says Rusev is “undefeated,” which he’s not. He’s been defeated plenty of times. Ignoring him being a slightly different character and getting pinned on NXT, the guy’s lost plenty of matches by disqualification or count-out, or he’s been on the losing end of tag team matches without taking a fall. That’s still being defeated. They’re still Ls in the record books. It’s a byproduct of WWE’s weird obsession with win streaks, where they want a character to lose over and over but don’t want him to “lose,” so they have him lose in some wishy-washy way for a month and sweep it under the rug. Just have the guy on the win streak win the matches, and don’t put him in matches he’d have to lose because you get to decide that. If he’s lost by DQ and count-out, maybe say he’s “never been pinned or submitted.” It’s semantics, but it’s correct.
3. WWE has two ways to handle this. I think one of them works, and one of them doesn’t. If you want to have Cena end Rusev’s “streak” and win the U.S. title, do it at Fast Lane. It’s a free show a lot of people will watch, Cena gets his win and gets a novelty month with a secondary championship. Him holding it improves its image, but he doesn’t need to hold it long. Give Rusev a rematch at WrestleMania and put him over there. When it matters. What you don’t want to do is have Rusev pull off some shitty, cheap victory at Fast Lane by DQ or count-out or tights-pulling or whatever and feed him Cena at Mania. Put the new guy over when it matters. Cena winning a secondary championship by beating a hot newcomer at the biggest show of the year is not a triumph, and he doesn’t need more WrestleMania confetti. Make the right call. Don’t let “part timer who disrespects the business” Brock Lesnar do better business than you on the same damn show.
Worst: I’m Dean Ambrose, And That’s News To Me
Dean Ambrose is the least cool person in the world right now. He makes John Cena look like Miles Davis. He went from being an insane, tactical badass to being Daffy Duck and I don’t know how to fix it. This guy once arrived to a show in a HELICOPTER as 1/3 of an unstoppable swat posse. Now he’s stealing his grandpa’s suit to read a fake news report and tying people to the ring post like he’s winning a PG Last Man Standing Match to get a shot he doesn’t deserve at a loser belt for chumps.
That’s nothing against the actual performer, mind you, but “Dean Ambrose” is the worst. I’m not ready to call him Urkel, but he’s already at least Waldo Geraldo Faldo.
Best: Color Swaps
As I said, nothing against the performer. Dean Ambrose matches are still generally a lot of fun, especially when he’s not falling victim to a smokey hologram lantern or an exploding television. The Nigel McGuinness rebound lariat is still bogus, though. That move is corny as hell. There’s no natural motion that causes you to fall backwards out of the ropes like that. You aren’t playing on this longstanding trope of guys falling out of the ring like that, you’re backing up into position and doing it to yourself to create some kind of cool counter to nothing. You get hit and then I have to watch you fart around like a toddler on a swingset for 10 seconds to set up a clothesline. Here’s a cooler idea: just hit the ropes and throw a clothesline. You ever see Kenta Kobashi doing a f*cking dosey-doe before a lariat?
Anyway, aside from me blacking out there for a second, Harper vs. Ambrose was good. These guys know what they’re doing and can be dynamic in the ring, even if you can see the ominous “WWE Main Event Style” sorta washing over them. Lucha Libre Luke Harper will never stop making me happy, and Ambrose is better than anyone in wrestling at selling moves like he’s stumped his toe in the middle of the night. Seriously, next time you’re trying to piss in darkness and you jam your tie against the table, think about the face you’re making. That’s Dean Ambrose sitting up from a nearfall.
Also I enjoy these matches because Ambrose and Harper dress the same, and you can either pretend they’re related or one’s a lazy character copy of the other in a fighting game.
Worst: Give It Up For The Worst Announce Team Of All Time
First of all, Michael Cole doesn’t know the Dusty Rhodes Hard Times promo, inarguably one of the top 5 promos ever. He reads Dusty’s tweet about his Raw appearance and “corrects” it, saying “it’s been a hard time for the Rhodes family.” Jesus Christ.
Second of all, Booker T is a wrestling brother truther. He tries to put over Goldust and Stardust by talking about the problems he’s had with HIS brother (aka that milk-drinking crackerjack fruit booty Stevie Ray) and ends up saying the Briscoes, Steiners and Funks “weren’t brothers.” You, uh, you wanna fact check that for a sec, Book? No? Just gonna keep your job as a color commentator for the biggest wrestling promotion in the world? Okay, cool.
Third of all, JBL.
Let’s just put Richie Brennan and William Regal in a two-man booth on Raw. Take the microphones out of their ears and let them put over the matches, characters and stories. They can shill the tweets and Did You Knows and apps and Popeye’s commercials too. They can put over every aspect of the show without talking down to us and making us feel like goddamn troglodytes for watching.
Worst: May 13th Is A Great Reference That Is Also Totally Wrong
May 19th, show. May 19th. I want to know which writer was proud of sneaking that in under the radar and is spending their Tuesday feeling like everything’s meaningless.
Honestly though, I’d be down for a Big Show: Inaccurate Wrestling Historian gimmick. Have him cut these promos on Kane and be all, “you’re sad because you miss your dad SIR OLIVER HUMPERDINK, aren’t you? Heh heh. I bet you wish you had a girlfriend to make you feel better. Too bad you killed CARLY VICK, huh? Too bad X-PUNK stole your other girlfriend, VICTORIA! Too bad you grew up in a funeral home that got FLOODED, am I right?” Tag him up with Booker T. They’d be the greatest brother tag team ever.
Best: This Comma But
There it is.
We’ve finally broken up Stardust and Goldust. We’ve been waiting for it for what, almost a year? Longer? They put them in a story about Cody feeling insignificant, leading to this big moment where he reveals himself as NEW GOLDUST and everybody on the Internet goes !!!!. You think it’s going to end with Cody realizing he’s the strong link of the team and snapping on Dustin, and then nope, WWE forgets about them for several (several) months and nothing happens. Now we’re jumping back in time to finish the story, and that, at least, is awesome. The work these two can do against one another is pretty important to me as a longtime fan of the family, and I’m glad it’s happening during Important Stuff Season.
I do have a couple of complaints, though, and I hope I can find the words.
Worst: Dot Dot Dot
This was a colossal waste of Dusty Rhodes. I get that he’s almost 70, but you got him in the ring to take that big emotional punch from Big Show back in 2013 and it ruled. A Dusty promo is a thing of beauty, a thing of true southern fire and emotion … and all we get for his appearance as the flashpoint of the Rhodes boys breakup is him stepping onscreen backstage, saying “hey guys, don’t break up” and leaving. Nothing in the ring, nothing fiery, nothing emotional. Just “you’ve been breaking up so maybe don’t?”
Also, the last year has probably made it impossible, but we need to take a step back and appreciate Stardust. Cody is MURDERING IT as this character, and his promo work last night was outstanding. He’s doing a lot of little stuff with his inflection and phrasing that people don’t seem to be noticing, possibly because they’re chanting “CM Punk” over it. Listen to the way his voice cracks before he drops the big confrontational line on his dad. Watch how the character slips a little to allow him to breathe, and pay attention to how his wacky explanation of space science is him saying, “my life has been chaotic since birth because I’m stuck in this family of crazy-ass pro wrestlers and I have never had a chance to just calm down and be me.” He hasn’t. He’s been a fake Rick Rude teaming with a fake Million Dollar Man. He’s been a fake Goldust. He’s been a fake Hardcore Holly, kinda. He’s always been this also-ran, this accessory, this good hand who never gets to step out of the more important person’s shadow. When Goldust returned to save his job, the crowd didn’t chant “Cody,” they chanted “Goldust.” And Goldust is the one notable wrestling character DEFINED by how he raged against being stuck in a bigger man’s shadow.
It’s great stuff, I just don’t know if we’ve been put in the correct position to appreciate it. I want to, though. Maybe we’ll get fired-up Dusty next week, or at Fast Lane, or at Mania. Maybe fired-up Dusty doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe life moved on and he became like Mick Foley … able to understand Cactus Jack and channel it, but never really “get there” again.
No matter what, the Rhodes Family is better at this than most people and I want them to have a f*cking spotlight. Shine it.
Worst: Gotta Protect Kane
Kane, a man who won about 4 matches last year and lost roughly 600, loses to Superstar Of The Year, Royal Rumble Winner and Fast Lane and WrestleMania Main-Eventer Roman Reigns via count-out because question mark. Are we still protecting Kane? Dude looks like Eddie Munster grew up and got some of his dad’s Frankenstein genetics. He moves like he’s underwater. Under FROZEN WATER.
Best: Daniel Bryan Makes Fast Lane Seem Like A Fun Thing We Should Be Excited For
I’m normally not a fan of Daniel Bryan when he’s asked to be a sarcastic WWE Top Level Guy, but I really enjoyed him on color commentary here. Him pulling an Edge and Christian and calling his interference was nice, as was him saying he’d never disrespect Roman Reigns and then condescendingly calling him THE BIG DOG. It felt a lot like one of us had stumbled into the commentary booth and were too aware we’re part of a television show.
Aside from that, they actually used these matches to build a decent rivalry. And God bless ’em, they didn’t keep trying to do it with big speeches at the beginning of the show. Remember when Triple H stood in the ring and was all ROMAN REIGNS, THIS IS THE STORY! DANIEL BRYAN, THIS IS ALSO THE STORY! NOW FIGHT? What works better is establishing who the characters are and how they feel about shit, then letting us pick sides. ODDS OVERCOMER #1 and 2 aren’t interesting. But entitled, perfectly-born Main Eventer Roman Reigns? Scrappy local jerk hero Daniel Bryan? I can get into that. I can argue with my friends about it. Someone can say, “Roman deserves to win because he won the damn Rumble and shouldn’t have to keep validating himself, and Bryan’s good but Roman can just punch him in the face with a locomotive and kill him,” and I can totally disagree without them being “wrong.” I can say Bryan should be able to methodically take this doofus apart and prove that the best wrestlers should rise to the top and be right in my heart without being “right.”
That’s it. That’s what we like about sports. We like yelling at our asshole friend who cheers for the Yankees. That friend likes rubbing it in our face that the Yankees have like 25 more championships than our team. Give us an argument. Don’t give us a bunch of dumb shit that is obvious, but somehow still needs to be explained.
Worst: Somebody Call Zenigata, It’s The Bella Twins!
The Bella Twins want to ruin Paige’s match, so they (assumedly) sneak into the Divas locker room where they (assumedly) always are while Paige is dry showering (?) and steal her gear. They then go out into the hallway and stand in front of the door for several seconds to tell Byron Saxton about their plot, saying Paige will have to forfeit her match or “wrestle naked.” Byron’s like “buh” because he’s never once considered a naked lady and then here comes Paige, wrapped in a towel and bone dry, looking for options. She finds a pack of wild Rosebuds, pulls one into the locker room and steals her clothes.
There are so many logic holes in this I don’t even know where to start. First of all, is Paige’s gear the only clothes she has? Does WWE keep it in the locker room and transport it from town to town? Do the Divas show up to the show naked and get fitted? Couldn’t Paige just wrestle in street clothes? She ends up wrestling in a fairy costume with black shorts and a black sports bra underneath — what she’s wearing in the Backstage Fallout video, which seems comfortable and fine — which is honestly not any worse or more revealing than a black bra top and hot pants. Also, doesn’t she have multiple sets of gear? ALSO, couldn’t she have worn ANYTHING? Like, borrow some gym shorts from Emma or something. She asked Cameron and then totally gave up, which presents MORE questions, such as “why didn’t you try to borrow gear twice” and “CAMERON’S GEAR WOULD MAKE YOU LOOK WAY STUPIDER THAN A ROSEBUD.”
This seems like one of those first draft ideas a writer’s room came up with and never put another second of thought into, because it got them to the next thing they had to write.
Best: Paige, Though
Paige rules, and she should just start wrestling dressed like a raver fairy. Her post-match promo where she no-sells the Bellas’ mean girl act and more or less says she’s going to put her foot in their conjoined ass at Fast Lane made me happy. We knew this before she got brought up, but she’s got way too much talent and way too much experience to be slumming it against the Camerons of the world. She should win the Divas Championship at Fast Lane and become the new Shane Douglas. Throw it down and announce she’s going back to NXT to compete for the only women’s championship in the world that matters. Let the rest of the notable Divas — the Bellas, Alicia Fox, Emma, Summer, etc. — kinda go “eesh, she’s right” and follow her down. Give these women an actual job to do and make the “piss break match” the non-stop commercial breaks and Moments Ago replays. You can piss 100 times during Raw and still see every second of in-ring work.
Oh, And Also:
I’d be doing us all a great disservice if I didn’t point out that the savior Rosebud who was approximately Paige’s size (and shoe size, I guess) is Leva Bates, aka NXT’s Blue Pants. Now she’s Ol’ No Pants!
She flew out from Austin, Texas, and made it onto Adam Rose’s roving drug bus just in time to get abandoned in an Orlando arena hallway, dragged into a locker room by a stranger and Locke’d into her birthday suit.
Also, shout-out to Rosebud Mia Yim. Paige should’ve dragged Leva and Mia to the ring and had an awesome fatal 4-way with them and Summer. The Bella Twins could’ve watched from the stage and get so into it that they become the mean characters from the end of a teen comedy who have to follow popular trends and are like, “forget this, let’s all have fun!”
Best: That Backstage Fallout Video
Be sure to watch that all the way through, for the surprise ending of Paige not remembering Brandi Runnels’ work name and calling her “Consuela.” Five stars.
Best: A Screwy Finish That Actually Works
So, Dolph Ziggler wrestles Seth Rollins and it’s pretty good, because “Dolph Ziggler wrestles Seth Rollins” cannot biologically be less than “pretty good.” They start superkicking each other and countering finishes, and Ziggler hits a surprise Zig Zag in the middle of the ring. For all intents and purposes he’s got the match won, so Noble and Mercury dive into the ring and break it up. That leads to some terrible post-match stuff to make people buy the 2014 Survivor Series on pay-per-view, because we are for real still doing that.
But yeah, aside from Rollins really obviously looking around to make sure nobody missed their cues, this was great. Screwy finishes are way, way, way (x 100) too common on WWE TV, but at least this one seemed like it was done in desperation. J&J Security assumed Rollins would win the match no problem, so when he didn’t they panicked and got involved. That makes sense. That’s better than a distraction rollup before it’s needed, or shocking music from up the ramp when a finish isn’t about to happen, or something like that. The frustrating thing about the Raw non-finish is that it almost always seems so tacked on. It seems like a decision they made earlier in the day to be milquetoast as f*ck, not like an actual happenstance in an actually-happening wrestling match.
Plus, again, Ziggler and Rollins. They’re good at what they do. As we were watching the show, Destiny commented on how great Ziggler looked, mentioning how he “looked awesome at that one pay-per-view and then it was nothing.” Yeah, that’s … that’s pretty much it.
Worst: Stop Building To The God-Forsaken Survivor Series, Though
Stop doing it.
Worst: A Quick Note About Hobbits
Before the match, Dolph Ziggler’s doing his catty insults routine and calls J&J Security “hobbits.” They’re small, get it? This insult recently worked really well on NXT when Tyler Breeze called Adrian Neville a Hobbit, but even that wasn’t really correct. Neville has a foreign accent and he’s small and kinda weird looking, but he’s got more of an elf face and ears than a hobbit. He’s more of an orc than a hobbit if we’re being frank. But you know, close enough. Little Tolkien motherf*cker gets called a hobbit.
Here, it doesn’t work at all. Hobbits were heroes despite their size. That’s the whole gimmick. Anyway, sorry, just wanted to point that out. Nobody’s gonna top Dean Ambrose calling them “the cruiserweight division” anyway.
Worst: How Does Ric Flair Feel About Triple H, I Mean Honestly
Is “compliment Triple H whenever your mouth opens” in Ric Flair’s Legends contract? Because holy crap, dude could not stop telling H how much he loved him.
“I love ya.”
“how’s it going”
“just saying I love ya”
“Cool. What’s the weather like outside?”
“just wanted to say I love ya”
Triple H could say, “do you have the time?” and Flair would look at his watch and say, “I’d let you put your dick in my mouth if you asked.”
Worst: Bad Triple H
I should’ve seen it coming, but this feud with Sting is going to bring out the worst in Triple H. He’s been so positive for wrestling over the past few years and such an entertaining performer that we sometimes forget why he was wrestling’s real life top villain for like a decade. He’ll occasionally get into a feud with someone for a good reason and warp it around until he’s both heel and face, getting to do all the cool bad guy stuff and getting the good guy reaction. He’s been pretty under the radar about it since his nigh-unforgivable Brock Lesnar feud, but last night set off the alarm.
The problem is that Sting’s supposed to be the hero and Triple H is supposed to be the villain. Instead of making it about Sting dropping onto his show and righting these big wrongs and ruining his evil plans, the story’s now “Sting represents WCW and I personally put them out of business, and I represent WWE now, so WCW wants to invade and take away our freedoms.” It’s really bad storytelling. Triple H is saying “I am WWE” to a bunch of people who love WWE enough to buy tickets to a live event or watch it on TV, and he’s conditioning them to see a guy most of them might not even remember or know as the hero of long-gone war. It becomes Business Personal and about all the bullshit and rewritten nostalgia that already makes me skip the Monday Night Wars show.
I don’t want to see WWE vs. WCW, because WCW has always been written as the wormy, helpless, stupid bad guy. WWE is the conquering hero. You can’t bring in WCW’s most notable, most boy scout Actual Hero For Heel Faction Justice and start playing him as the dirty foreigner. It’s stupid. It’s bad business. Saying he’s good in passing and shoving down Ric Flair for knowing him isn’t enough. Having Flair say Triple H might not win because he’s a part-timer now and then saying Sting disappeared for 15 years isn’t any better.
How are you gonna waste Sting, Dusty Rhodes and Ric Flair on the same show? What it is, Nitro?
Worst: RIP Darren Young’s NPC Partner, 2015-2015
I was really hoping he’d be the Brandon to Darren Young’s Omar Little, and that this random middle-of-the-show Ascension tag would turn into five years of Shakespearean inner-city storytelling. Maybe Triple H and Stephanie reveal their plots in front of cameras because they’re actually hidden in tennis balls.
Best: MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
The good news is that Darren Young’s back, Titus O’Neil’s being fused to his hip again and we’re getting a Prime Time Players reunion. That’ll give The Ascension somebody fun, current and inconsequential to feud with so they can get out of Old Man Bum Town. Young and Titus will get back the one hook they ever had.
The bad news is that Heath Slater probably shouldn’t answer his phone for a few days.
Worst: The Intercontinental Champion Is For Real Garbage
Wade Barrett needed help from a bell-ringing second party to beat MIZDOW, a guy who spent most of the last year and a half defined as WWE’s ultimate loser. On top of that, he spends the post-match getting zip-tied to a post like a goober and forced to sign an Intercontinental Championship match contract for Fast Lane, which will almost assuredly just go through without issue despite being the least legal thing in history. I hope Ambrose wins it at Fast Lane, walks up the ramp with the title over his head and gets run over by a street sweeper.
Best: The Miz
Just to say it again, Miz is next level right now. He’s such a good heel that I kinda hate his guts and want to see him get his ass beaten because of how good he is. Far too often you see a heel being good at their job and getting no response, or getting written into these pointless situations Human Torch couldn’t get heat from. Here, Miz is ringing a bell and making 10,000 people want to rip out his throat. That guy gets it. I’m glad his brain’s okay again.
Worst: Mixed Tag Matches
For the however-manyth time, mixed tag matches are the very worst concept in WWE. They’re a line drawn across a room people are forced to share against their will on sitcoms. You’re saying “these are the men, and these are the women. They aren’t allowed to touch.” You’re simultaneously trying too hard to avoid real problems with your audience, and ignoring 30 more.
The major issue is that they’re just bad matches. You aren’t running a tag match, you’re running two concurrent singles matches and ruining the momentum of both of them. Who came up with the bright f*cking idea of a tag match where a tag SLOWS IT DOWN? You can’t build any drama when the match starts and stops arbitrarily because you’re too archaic to let Natalya punch Jimmy Uso in the face and tell Jimmy to sell it.
The stuff with Naomi and Nattie was pretty good, too. Couldn’t you have just done them one on one and had Kidd berate her for the loss afterwards? Did he need to be standing on the apron for it to matter? Terrible.
Best: The WWE/Parks And Rec Crossover
First of all, good to see John Cena hasn’t changed at all in 2017.
Second of all, I came to a realization. This show’s character lives in the woods, builds furniture and has intense facial hair. Most of the time he’s spouting nonsense but he’s charismatic, so people follow him. Am I talking about Ron Swanson or Bray Wyatt?
Best/Worst: Stupid Roman Reigns
Roman Reigns stands around during the Daniel Bryan/Big Show main event and signs a bunch of autographs for fans in the front row. It’s basically the same thing Bryan did to him earlier in the night, but it’s Roman Reigns so it makes me mad. That’s how wrestling’s supposed to work, right? Okay, whew.
Here’s what I don’t like, again from a total fan perspective: when Roman realized his act wasn’t causing enough of a distraction and Bryan was gonna win anyway, he gets in the ring and punches Show in the face, drawing a DQ and forcing Bryan to lose. It’s a total heel dick move in my brain, and I can’t see how to justify it beyond “I was trying to be cheeky and went too far.” That makes me want to see Bryan kick his ass on a whole new level, and motherf*cker deserved that missile dropkick to the chest. Bryan and Show were having a really good match, too. That’s the worst part. I was watching and enjoying a BIG SHOW MATCH, and Roman Reigns ruined that for me. You’re dead to me, Succotash.
Best: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Seriously though, Roman Reigns (and most of Raw, by proxy) would be so much cooler if he’d stop trying to be a sassy wiseass and just fight the shit out of people. That’s the Roman we liked in The Shield. He didn’t constantly squint in confusion and tell wacky fairy tales, he showed up in a dog mask with some swat shit on and put his hand through peoples’ faces. If going back to that persona’s enough to get him into/through Bryan and into a WrestleMania match against a guy who will shoot kill him if he starts talking about magic beans, let’s do it. All I know is that Raw went from a brisk jog to a full-on f*cking sprint when the faces stopped acting like dumb babies and started throwing hands.
The one great Best for Raw is that it made me want to watch Fast Lane, which I suppose is the purpose of most Raws, isn’t it? The stuff on TV should make you want to pay money for the important stuff on pay-per-view. Or in this case, the stuff on TV should make you want to bother downloading an app and signing up for a free month to watch a live special.
I already miss “pay-per-view.” The term, not the service. I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL THIS SUNDAY’S SPECIAL ON THE NXT WATCHING DEVICE.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
None of this would have happened if J&J Security hadn’t been banned from ringside.
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YOUVE GOT TWO BIG TATTOOS OF TIIIIIGERRRRRRRRRS
Mr. Royal Rumble, TheCensoredMSol
I’m not sure that’s how contracts work. But then again, I’m not sure this is how wrestling shows are supposed to work, either, so I dunno.
Miz became The Millon Dollar Man so slowly we barely even noticed
1 point 21 Punkawatts
TITUS O’NEIL IS CHEATING ON HEATH SLATER WITH DARREN YOUNG
Next week on Total Playas.
HHH: “Sting was and is TNA.”
Flair: “You know what? You’ll probably be fine actually.”
“If I remember, you said I should have a wing of my own with my own name on it right? Yeah? Well hey, can I crash there for a little while?”
If Paige took the clothes off the Rosebud dressed up as a sexy baseball player, this would have been awkward.
Kane: “…when you knocked me out on Smackdown.”
Big Show: “Oh, that doesn’t count.”
Triple H: “Why not?”
Big Show: “Because…it was on Smackdown.”
*all three laugh and freeze in place*
Not Roman’s mouth! That’s where his promos come from!
Thanks, everybody. See you next week.