– Only 52 more weeks til Wrestlemania 29 and 44 more until pointing at the sign season. Hooray!
– Let’s have a party in the comment section. I’ll (guest writer Chris Trew) will hang there all week long and we can discuss how exciting next week is gonna be when Brandon is not in an airplane during Raw.
– Thank you to Casey/THESTINGER for helping me out with gifs and pictures. Be sure to visit his gifs Tumblr for the stuff I didn’t use.
– Brandon will be back tomorrow with the Best And Worst Of Wrestlemania XXVIII, followed expeditiously by The Best And Worst Of Wrestlemania Weekend.
Okay, it’s my big moment! Here is the Best and Worst Of WWE Raw for April 2, 2012.
WORST: COOL PARTY YOU GUYS
Quite a gathering before Raw where a bunch of guys who don’t like each other can all manage to sit real close together. Someone interrupts Johnny’s speech and the camera can’t find who it is. It’s obviously Punk but he comes through the crowd like he’s Too Soon Hall of Famer Edge and it’s weird that the champion would be in the back of the room of an important meeting. the Great Khali is wearing a dress shirt.
Brodus Clay thinks Punk calling Laurinaitis a “toolbox” is really funny. Like, he’s super into it. Great Khali doesn’t get it At ALL (but he’s wearing a great dress shirt). Punk is a prankster, always telling jokes, says Johnny. Pranksters mainly play pranks though, not tell jokes. He should have said “Punk is a prankster, always pulling pranks” but I guess I can’t have everything I want.
People Power is said a couple of times but it doesn’t appear to be trending on Twitter so maybe we’ll never hear it again. All in all, a really cool party.
WORST: USE BOLD MARKER FOR POSTER BOARDS
Put your Twitter Feed Poster board in marker, bro. Because I would be following you right now but instead people are following me because I put my twitter handle in bold.
WORST: HEARING THE END OF ROCK’S INTRO SONG
Rock posing so much that his intro song (available on iTunes, I guess) got to that weird part where it slows down and sounds like Guitar Gary messed something up. So you know, I’m all for posing and was first in line for the WBF magazine when I was a kid (what up Gary Strydom!).
Later The Rock shows us his goosebumps and we get it. Then he shows us again and this time explains what he’s doing. Show don’t tell, Rocky. It’s like, you wouldn’t hand your girlfriend some roses and then stare at her for approval and then 5 minutes later hand her some more roses and this time say “I want you to know what I’m doing here so you don’t think I’m crazy. I’m giving you roses because I have passionate feelings for you.”
Then, when they mute the “Christ” in “Jesus H Christ” it’s awkward and I’m curious how many people thought of “Jesus HHH Christ”. You know, King of Kings. The Cerebral Savior.
BEST: MICHAEL COLE APPRECIATES CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE HUMOR
Dwayne was all like “you gotta be really terrible to get cut from the CFL” and then Michael Cole just laughs and laughs. Pretty sure that anyone watching Raw tonight who also happens to be a former Canadian Football League player who got cut felt Rock’s boot in their own ass. Way to alienate your fans.
BEST: CHANTING “YES YES YES” WHEN ROCKY SAYS HE’S STAYING
Maybe they felt bad because they started the “thank you rocky” chant right after the YES YES YES as if they were following a very precise script but let’s think for a minute that the crowd was like “oh, rocky is staying then i want him to fight daniel bryan” and then they all immediately started chanting YES YES YES.
Or let’s imagine that Daniel Bryan is so over that anytime anyone ever says anything that the live crowd appreciates they will YES YES YES it up real good. Or let’s imagine that YES YES YES is the new WHAT which would be great.
While we’re imagining, wouldn’t YES YES YES beat WHAT in a catchphrase casket match in less than 18 seconds?
WORST: ROCKY WIPES A MONKEYS ASS WITH THE WORD IMPOSSIBLE AND ALSO HE WANTS TO BE WWE CHAMPION
It’s impossible to do a physical activity with a word because a word isn’t something that you can hold in your hands and wipe an ass with just like it’s impossible to win a championship in a sport you don’t compete in anymore.
Or is it.
WORST: FIRST TIME SEEING SANTINO WEARING HIS BELT WHEN WE SAW HIM 24 HOURS PRIOR TO THIS IN A HIGH STAKES WRESTLEMANIA MATCH
Yeah, I know he wasn’t defending his title last night but geez, he’s the United States Champion. Can’t he walk to the ring with his damn belt? It’s awful enough the belt wasn’t being defended but when he can’t even wear it you’re just draining the importance away.
This kind of thing breaks my brain. If you’re the champion of something (anything, really) you should have your medal/belt/certificate on you at all times, especially when you’re working in said field you are champion of.
– If you’re the Veggie Hot Dog Eating Champion you should always carry around a room temperature veggie dog and wag it with pride.
– If you’re the Air Sex Champion you should always be doing your moves when you walk into a room.
– If you’re the Air Guitar Champion you should find a new hobby.
BEST: I TOOK IMPROV CLASSES WITH DOLPH ZIGGLER’S LITTLE BROTHER IN CHICAGO AND WE’RE FACEBOOK FRIENDS
But if you’ve watched wrestling with me once in the past 12 months you already know that.
BEST: TRIPLE THREAT MATCHES WITH EXTRA OOMF
Dolph does situps on Santino’s body. Jack does pushups on Santino’s body. That’s enough for me because I’m a huge sucker for training montages and playing pranks on people while they are sleeping. This might be the closest I get to a combination of both while watching my favorite sport.
But for reals, I love these types of matches because it’s difficult to predict what’s going to happen and that means if you just don’t let yourself turn into Pro Fantasy Booker Person then you’ll be surprised. I could see Jack Swagger establishing himself as Dolph’s #2, I could see Dolph setting his sites on the world title so he’s cool with his pal having the US title and I could see Santino overcoming the odds and planting a seed for the Dolph/Swagger split. It’s easy, it’s entertaining.
BEST: DON’T STROKE DOLPH ZIGGLERS HAIR
Because you might get some weird ooze disease and also you might give your opponent the upper hand and then lose your shot at a secondary title that appears to important but yeah, it’s not really.
BEST: BRODUS CLAY HAS SOMETHING TO DO
I’m sure most children and Brandon Stroud were confused when Brodus Clay came out looking real tough and like he wanted a piece of someone who’s had more than five minutes of television time. What was he doing there? Why isn’t he dancing? Is he shedding his Saturday morning cartoon candy shell and actually being intimidating? This is exciting!
BEST: LORD TENSAI TIME
I actively avoid a lot of rumor sites because I don’t like feeling like a prisoner so I had no idea who Tensai was until Mr. Stroud said so on this very column a couple weeks back. I’m not mad at him, but if I hadn’t known then I wonder what my train of thought would be.
– Is that Prince Albert?
– No, it’s not, it’s A-Train.
– Aren’t they they same person?
And then Trish Stratus would have appeared and said “Test and Albert. T and A.” real awkwardly. And then I would have been so excited I would have popped in my Wrestlemania 2000 DVD to see Test and Albert destroy Steve Blackman and Al Snow back when tag team wrestling and questionable Wrestlemania undercards mattered.
Anyways, sometimes I do want to feel like a prisoner so I watch Wife Swap and one time I saw this kid go to a tattoo shop as part of some sort of family team building adventure and when asked what he wanted to get permanently inked on his body he replied with “I don’t know some art shit”. I imagine that’s what Tensai said as well but he wanted that art shit all over his arms and chest and head and face too.
Pop quiz, if you had to either have Tensai’s face thing or Alex Riley’s giant cross on your body foreves, which would you take?
WORST: SAW YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, BRA
I smell a big meeting with the WWE Production Division of Producers sometime soon. There were a handful of flubs at Wrestlemania (cameras kept going to blur town, HBK’s pyro didn’t go off) and we just saw Tensai put something in his mouth because the production truck cut to the wrong camera I think.
I guess it’s part of his finisher but isn’t it cooler when we don’t see how the whatever got in his mouth the first time?
BEST: MARK HENRY BACK IN THE PICTURE
It’s cool when WWE pushes someone near the top and we’re all like “oh, this is interesting” (like Mark Henry) and then that person does a pretty good job of being at the top (like Mark Henry). It’s also frustrating when someone just kinda gets tossed out of the main event picture after a title run (like Mark Henry) because it doesn’t really take much effort to keep that person as “whoa, good” in our minds. Giving this title shot to Mark Henry the night after Wrestlemania makes me happy. It keeps him high status which is what you want your main eventers to be at all times, right?
Mark yelling “I AIN’T TOLD YOU TO MOVE YOU MOVE WHEN I TELL YOU” while Punk is all sprawled out and beat up is pretty awesome because man, I believe him. When people hook his leg in a pin it’s like they are trying to lift a trunk packed with sap (heavy). This guy is legit looking so shouldn’t he be legit booked ALL OF THE TIME. He also works out at Hyde Park Gym in Austin, Tx sometimes and I chose this column to let Brandon know that to make sure he’s actually reading.
BEST: COUNTOUT TO WIN
I don’t care, I’m into it. We hear the word “countout” so many times every week and we also see the referee counting to ten all the dang time but it doesn’t ever happen. I mean, Mark Henry is no (huss, huss) Berserker but he should be at least somewhat satisfied at getting a victory over the WWE Champion. It means he deserves a rematch. It means he’s legit because if anything, it at least means that he didn’t get pinned. That’s probably good enough criteria for a rematch at the next pay-per-view, right?
And if you were running a wrestling fantasy league you award more points for a countout victory than you would a disqualification, right?
BEST: NATURAL DISASTERS COMING BACK!
I know everyone on Twitter made this joke all at once as well but come on. This is huge news. Was Johnny talking about Typhoon or Earthquake? Or maybe The Hurricane? Wrath? Meltdown?
A hybrid of Typhoon and Tugboat named Tugphoon or Typhoat? All of the above? The Ministry of Natural Disasters? The Natural Disaster World Order? The Disaster Foundation? The Natural Disaster Mafia? The 4 Natural Disatersmen? The Nation of Natural Disaster Domination?
If there was some online petition to create more stables in pro wrestling I’d sign it with every email account I’ve ever opened.
BEST: BOING! Y2-WHOOPS! AYATOLLAH OF SLIP-OROLLA
I know we all knew that Jericho and Punk had more time in their feud and that Wrestlemania didn’t really solve anything and really I’m fine with that. But I always feel a whisper of disappointment when the night after Wrestlemania the same dudes are messing with each other all over again because they ain’t done yet.
Let’s say you ask Katie Parker out to the Winter Formal and she’s like “sure” and that night you dance with her twice, nothing happens because you don’t have chemistry and then you leave her at the dance because you went to a much cooler party. The next Monday at school do you even interact with Katie? No, because you settled your relationship at the dance that everyone paid $65 to see the previous weekend.
That said, Punk vs. Jericho at Extreme Rules is going to be fun and Punk is probably gonna break a glass of crystal pepsi on Jericho’s head because Jericho is probably going to break another half dozen bottles of liquor on Punk’s head and hopefully the bottle doesn’t CLEARLY START TO BREAK BEFORE IT REACHES ITS DESTINATION. Also would be cool if Jericho doesn’t slip in the mess he made but yeah, wipeouts are pretty funny.
Also, logic is fun and it makes sense that Jericho (being a huge dick) would pour booze all over Punk while he’s incapable of defending himself. Let’s all cross fingers that pouring booze all over someone who is repulsed by alcohol doesn’t become the new jumping off the roof of your house on some dude laying on a table in the front yard.
WORST: SLIDESHOW RECAP LONGER THAN MATCH
They are definitely rubbing this in, right? Right? Daniel Bryan gets the Chavo Guerrero treatment (times fartrillion) and then they show a slideshow recap that took longer than the amount of time the match took.
It also bugs me that Sheamus walks onto the ramp and does his pose before the really important part of his intro song hits. It’s like he’s in the Gorilla position and he hears “It’s a shame to…” on the speakers and he’s all “THAT’S MA MUSIC” and trots out, strikes his pose and is halfway down the ramp by the time the chorus hits.
BEST: INSERT DEL RIO HERE; FUN ENSUES
Sheamus is wrong, people don’t want to see you brogue kick anyone in the face.
Del Rio is right, nobody will remember Sheamus won the title, they will only remember Daniel Bryan getting totally boned.
This crowd is right, DAN-IEL BRY-AN DAN-IEL BRY-AN DAN-IEL BRY-AN
Ricardo is wrong, don’t give Alberto your mic because then we won’t be able to hear you plus Del Rio will be distracted (but we know you meant well).
Anyways, Alberto Del Rio!!! He’s back and man it feels like we have a LOT of talent on our hands these days. Exciting times.
WORST: JOHN CENA “CALLS OUT” THE ROCK
John Cena lost in the most important match of all time so what gives him the right to tell the graphics department at WWE that he’s “calling out” The Rock and why would the graphics department even bother with making that image. The following things never happened so Cena “calling out” The Rock also shouldn’t have happened:
– The Colts didn’t call out the Saints after losing Superbowl 44 (because they lost)
– Chris Paul didn’t call out the Hornets after losing his first game in New Orleans as a visitor (because he lost)
– Oklahoma or Ohio State didn’t call out LSU after winning the National Championship those times (because they lost) and no, I don’t remember what happened during last January’s National Championship
– Sean Payton didn’t appeal his suspension after getting caught lying
So why would Cena do this?
WORST: MACHINE GUN KELLY IS NOW SELF AWARE
I didn’t know who this corny kid was until last night and I’m cool with that. Also, very cool with the crowd booing him because, well, he was pretty terrible but then again I think that you could have had Whitney Houston’s ghost sing John Cena’s entrance and she would have gotten a nasty response.
What I’m not cool with is Machine Gun Kelly recognizing his position with the WWE Universe and joining in on the boo’s. We’d like to not like you and hurt your feelings in the process, please.
If there was anyone backstage who Creative wanted to get some heat on they should’ve sent a production assistant to MGK and say “hey, we’re giving you a mic, just talk about how Heath Slater is a rocking and rolling legend” and then voila, mega-heel.
BEST: SIGNS LOBBYING THE WWE TO BRING WRESTLEMANIA TO THEIR CITY
Only noticed a Vancouver one last night and (pretty sure) the same guy brought the same crisp sign again to Raw. This should happen more since having Wrestlemania in your city is rad because
– it’s a huge boost for the local economy
– you can sleep in your own bed after waiting in line all day to get an autograph from Eve then you can think of Eve while laying there if you wanna
– the more signs that the WWE sees in the crowd like this the more likely they are going to take it serious and sure, I’m not being totally real here but I guess I just wish there was some public criteria for choosing the city so we can all follow along. It’s pretty obvious that Dallas is coming up somewhere on the rotation because of that giant screen (also what’s the wrestling equivalent to touching it with a punt?) but who’s next ahem New Orleans who’s next?
WORST: CODY RHODES NEEDS TO FOCUS UP
I think Cody losing a match because he was watching a video of himself is much more embarrassing than what happened at Wrestlemania so if I were Big Show (or anyone in the future who has a problem with Mr. Rhodes) I’d come out during any one of his matches and play a video of the time Big Show played a video of Cody losing to Big Show at Wrestlemania because I guess it’s going to distract him every single time. Also, Big Show’s video was only about 12 seconds so it won’t even take that long to put one together.
If I were Cody Rhodes my next move would be to splice footage of Big Show winning secondary titles with him winning major titles and then write some speech about how it’s weird that he always seems to go back and forth and how that makes it hard to take him that seriously and how nobody cares when he drops the secondary titles because it’s inevitable and I’d practice it in that cool mirror I used to have during my entrance.
Cody Rhodes World Title shot by Survivor Series, right?
BEST: MARK HENRY GETS THAT PEANUT BUTTER?
I don’t know who this guy is backstage getting his network on with Mark Henry, but it’s pretty fun. Until I learn his name I’m calling him Peanut Butter because (sexual) Chocolate is awesome and Peanut Butter makes Chocolate even better and maybe we are all witnessing Mark Henry becoming really really tasty.
That said, some fun tidbits from this segment:
– pretty sure he meant to rearrange the words “hustle” and “muscle” because if this guy is providing more “muscle” for the World’s Strongest Man then that’s not gonna work out
– Someone very close to the camera is clearly saying “who are you” in reference to Peanut Butter
– Someone else very close to that same guy realizes that could be a chant so he repeats the first guy’s thing with rhythm
– Some guy just says “nation of domination” as if he was giving them an idea
If this means that WWE is exploring the world of managers again then hot damn.
BEST: I LIKE EVE BEING MEAN LIKE BRANDON LIKES AJ JUST STANDING THERE
Eve was always just regular pretty and never dang whoa pretty but something about her being a bitch now is dang whoa pretty or maybe I’m just lonely because I haven’t seen my wife in two weeks.
You guys think my wife will wear an Eve wig and start manipulating me and then my internet show will get really popular but then I’ll hurt my back real bad? Cool.
BEST: MIZ PICKING UP STEAM
See, giving Miz the pin at ‘Mania and getting him another clean pin tonight gives me hope. Unless you just flat out hate the Miz (and I guess I can’t really argue with you if you do but I kind of like him) then you have to feel good about a former WWE CHAMPION not looking like worthless doodoo. Because if a guy can win the title and successfully defend it at the biggest show of the year (regardless of how. See: Lakers/Kings and Michigan/Duke) that guy deserves a place on the List of Wrestlers Who Matter for at least two years after said victory.
BEST: OKAY JOHN CENA IS NOT HERE TO CALL OUT THE ROCK
Thanks for clearing that up (really) because all night long graphics have been shoved down our throat that you’re “calling him out” and some of us were confused because see above. Cena explaining this actually was pretty good because it makes the people who hate him hate him more the way you hate that the nice dude at work keeps bringing good donuts and it just drives you crazy. John Cena is driving his haters crazy and he’s doing a really good job of it even though at one point he says nobody goes undefeated at life and well to some, Wrestlemania is life and Undertaker is undefeated so he’s wrong there.
When Cena asks “Will this be the day I lash out at the WWE universe?” and then the crowd responds with “YES YES YES YES” and then Cena is like “It won’t happen” and then the crowd is pissed and starts chanting for Lesnar and then Cena says “Daniel Bryan you owe me one” it’s pretty amazing. So many worlds colliding and catch phrases becoming 100% DEFINITELY a thing and then there’s that anticipation because we all think we know what’s about to happen and I guess Cena forgives Bryan for choking him with that cable a while back and then WICKED GUITAR SHRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEST: BROCK LESNAR F5’S JOHN CENA
One of those “kind of knew it was going to happen” things but it’s still pretty incredible and I stood up and kind of pumped my fist and felt kind of embarassed
If I’m being super critical, Brock doing his old poses in a bit of a robotic way reminded me of Robot Mike Tyson calling back his days in Robot DX doing Robot Crotch Chops during the Hall of Fame Ceremony. Unfortunate, but I don’t care anymore. I’m excited about this and in honor of Lesnar’s F5, here’s 5 opponents I’m excited about him facing this year:
– John Cena because duh
– Chris Jericho because I want him to start smashing bottles of liquor on everyone’s heads and I get the feeling he won’t need a prop bottle to smash on Brock’s head which is probably made of cement
– Mark Henry because duh, see my previous gushes
– CM Punk because double duh
– Kurt Angle’s brother because sike, just kidding
WORST: HAVING TO FILL BRANDON STROUD’S BOOTS
But I tried my best and had fun doing so. Thanks all for reading. Can I plug some stuff? Okay.
I have a new weekly web series where my real life pro wrestling manager character, ChrisTrew.biz, cuts promos on whatever he wants. Watch that here, follow me on Twitter here and if you live somewhere on the East Coast I’m touring there this summer. And if you live in New Orleans let’s watch a Hornets game together.
BEST: TOP 10 COMMENTS OF THE WEEK
Top 10 (well, more than 10 so CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE)
Tonight on RAW, the Road to Halloween Havoc begins!
I really wanted to see R-Truth run out yelling “THE PTA IS DISBANDING”
“Cena for President Sign” Let’s not get too crazy Florida, remember the last time we let you decide an election?
he just buried Canada, go kick his ass….uhh, Tyson Kidd maybe?
Does The Rock even know who Daniel Bryan is?
LET’S GO ZIGGLER CHANT?!! I HAVE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN!!!
So Brodus Clay actually has the ability to summon Funkettes out of thin air now? AWESOME. This is the character development we’ve been looking for.
I LIKED YOUR MATCH WITH JERICHO!! (Things Mark Henry can yell tonight.)
It took ten years but we found something to replace what, and it’s glorious.
KILL HIM, MARK! INDUCT HIM INTO THE HALL OF PAIN!
You can’t solve all your problems by kicking everyone in the head, Sheamus. This isn’t Irish Parliament.
Even Big Show thinks it’s embarrassing to lose to him.
DB should enter that contest to win the trip to WM.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SH*T!? I’VE COMPLETELY LOST MY SH*T.