The New England Patriots and the Jacksonville Jaguars are gearing up to have one of the most unlikely AFC Championship Games in recent memory on Sunday. (Well, one-half very unexpected, anyway.)
CBS, the network running the game, knows that pretty much everyone in the NFL-loving world is going to be watching this game, which is one of the few fun and/or interesting things to happen in this whole miserable season. Their first order of business was to get the legendary John Malkovich to talk up the game, which was neat, but as it turns out, that was just the appetizer.
Yes, CBS somehow managed to tap Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson into hyping this game, and the Rock did what he does best: just cut a big old-fashioned Rock wrestling promo to hype up his buddy Tom Brady and the unlikely-as-hell Jaguars. He even manages to squeeze in most of his catchphrases, but somehow entirely avoids saying the word “Bortles.” YOU HAD ONE JOB, ROCK.
Here’s the transcript of the promo, where he sort of loses the plot when he starts reeling off catchphrases, but the production and epic music underneath it really makes it go a long way.
“You wanted big? Well, it doesn’t get any bigger than this. Championship Sunday. Tom’s day. Oh, you’re not a fan? Well, you don’t have to like the guy, but you cannot ignore the facts. Seven straight AFC Championship Games. Five-time Super Bowl champion. Four-time Super Bowl MVP, and arguably the best of all time.
“But the Jacksonville Jaguars and their monster defense are here, too. And they don’t care about Tom’s day. They’ve heard the predictions. They know most of you wanted Pittsburgh, but they’ve only got one thing to say: bring it.
“Do you hear that? ‘Cause it’s coming. It’s called greatness, and every player on that field has the opportunity to seize it. That’s not an opinion; that is a message, straight from me, the jabroni-beating, pie-eating, trail-blazing, eyebrow-raising, Championship Sunday, test the limits of your soul, leave it all on the line for the Super Bowl.
“60 minutes from now, the ultimate AFC battle begins. It is David versus Goliath. Sacksonville versus the hoodie. Both of these teams know how to go big. But, to have a chance at immortality, the question is: who goes bigger?”
“Who goes bigger” seems like a personal question, my dude, but we’re not here to make jokes about low-hanging fruit. I think that’s how that goes. If this all leads to Blake Bortles hanging out with the Rock and/or someone finally tricking the Rock into saying “Bortles” a lot, it all will have been worth it.