‘The Wrestling Hipster’ is a column dedicated to a deeper, enlightened perspective on professional wrestling for people who think having an opinion about pro wrestling makes you deeper and enlightened. If you’re one of those people who reads the italicized disclaimer, the headline is unnecessarily confrontational on purpose to make people who don’t read italicized disclaimers mad. Do not take his seriously, but obey every word I type.
WWE Money in the Bank 2014 is on Sunday, and because I want your web traffic, here is web content.
The Money in the Bank briefcase was created back in 2005 as an excited, unprecedented way to instantly elevate a superstar and get people talking. Nine years later it’s pro wrestling’s best way to give a championship run to someone who doesn’t deserve it. John Cena’s got the belt. Think ZACK RYDER should be champion? Give Zack a win in a PG prop gimmick match where he doesn’t have to pin anybody, have him pin Cena only after Cena’s been excessively beaten up by wrestlers that actually matter and then NEVER TAKE THE NEW CHAMPION SERIOUSLY BECAUSE HE’S A COWARD. Rinse, repeat. Twice a year if possible. Nobody gets anything out of it, but hey, when Zack Ryder goes back to the indies he’s “former WWE Champion Zack Ryder.”
By my count there have been 14 cash-ins of the briefcase between 2005 and three days before Money in the Bank 2014. You can find 3-to-6 barely-updated lists of cash-ins from Bleacher Report at the top of your google search results for Money in the Bank, or you can read an indisputable, definitive ranking of those moments from the only voice on the Internet that matters: me.
Or Dave Shoemaker. But Shoe’s busy podcasting with Bruno Sammartino and Jesus and I’m sitting at home in my underwear, so here’s mine. Years indicated are the years when they won the briefcase, not necessarily when they cashed it in.
14. 2013 – Damien Sandow cashes in on John Cena (and loses)
In very last place forever is reason number 6 to justify your hatred of John Cena, Damien Sandow cashing in his 2013 Money in the Bank briefcase and failing miserably.