This Half-Assed John Cena Piñata Is The Greatest Thing You’ve Ever Seen

12.22.14 3 years ago 25 Comments
John Cena WWE Raw

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I can say without exaggeration that the best part of living in Austin, Texas — besides the food, the art, the culture, the endless cycle of festivals and everything else — is driving down Cesar Chavez and looking at the piñatas. The east side of the street is basically the Hammock District from ‘The Simpsons,’ but for piñatas; every third porch is covered in crudely-made, bootleg cartoon characters that’d cause a lawsuit if they didn’t exist solely to make a kid happy while he beat it with a stick.

They’re so bad, too. There isn’t much work created for the love of the game in the piñata community. All you’re gonna do is fill it with candy and break it, why put that much effort into it? You end up with octagonal footballs, zebras with horizontal stripes and other almost-recognizable favorites.

Please enjoy this John Cena piñata, and by “enjoy” I mean “never stop thinking about it.”

Look at that face. The longer you look at its face, the less human you become. I think it sucks out your life essence and tries to take your place.

I know what you’re thinking. “How do you know that’s John Cena? That could literally be anything. That could be Spongebob.” Well, first of all, look at those calves. Second of all, it’s not the only unlicensed WWE piñata at the store: they’ve also got two varieties of Rey Mysterio.

Yes, that’s a furry Power Ranger in the first photo. Yes, that’s supposed to be Olaf from Frozen. Piñata stores are the greatest, and I hope whoever gets the John Cena misses on their first few swings, but never gives up. I also kinda hope the kid who gets it loves Brock Lesnar and breaks it open with German suplexes.

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